Getting used to depression?

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Thanks, I'm still below the line but now it's just tired, not suicidal.
Yesterday my husband took the kids shopping - they needed new pants and shoes for winter - and I stayed home. Apparently, it helped everyone.

But....why do you feel so sad....when you have so much knowledge in your head?

The current concept is exhaustion.
I'm trying to live up to very high expectations and I find out I can't even remember to feed myself.
Maybe there is something genetically wrong with my brain, mental illness runs in my family.
I'm using my pattern-thinking skills on myself and find out I need lots of time alone to remain above the bar.
It's really hard to maintain this with a family.

Whenever I smell Polish food, I never forget to eat----maybe that's why I'm chubby?

Seriously----I know what you mean. Being a parent is hard. It's good that you can come in here and hang out. I hope it helps you that you can hang out with us.

Yes, it helps. Thanks.
I hope I'm not draining others too much in the process.

It's our perception of those things. If you are struggling then your current situation is a high bar, and yet you are thinking it's low. And I totally get it. I'm a great mom and yet I suck it. Recognizing the things that are difficult for me and knowing those are a high bar FOR ME and not feeling lesser for it would be sublime. For example, my husband called and was running late. As much as I wanted to, I could not say, "that's great, I'll get dinner going and see you soon". Instead I was in tears (alternatively I yell at him) thinking how incompetent I was relative to that "low bar". What I would like to do is recognize that's a challenging situation for me ("high bar" for me), offer myself grace, and commit to one thing or nothing: "I would love to get dinner going but my Focus is elsewhere right now, so..." In the past I though I had to do it "right" or was a blubbering mess of not at all. Now I am exploring doing it MY WAY.

So, if husband calls late and says "please update our financial and health charts and give the kids the snacks in the lower cupboard on the right." I'm on it. And if he says "I'm late, you're on your own..." well, I get to be on that also --- ok, I'll go update our financial and health charts; the kids know where the snacks are."

Not good.
Mental illness from inside, by a keen observer:
Some threshold has been crossed, beyond which I don't feel pain any more. I know the pain is there but I dissociated from it, I don't feel it on myself, because it's not myself experiencing it.
I'm quite functional in that state, in a mindless, mechanical way.
We are evolved to survive, after all.

As I wrote it, I started to feel pain again.
Good. Pain means I'm alive. Pain means I'm willing to survive.
It's on and off, I'm on some threshold.

One of my “cures” for depression when I was younger was to think about the Descent of Man.

Great. Out of spoons again. And it's my daughter's birthday.
Sorry for leavig all the fascinating discussions in PPR. Might come back.

One achievement of today: I described my Friendship Token model to school psychologist and she appareared to listen.

Happy Birthday to your daughter! How old is she now?

8. The diagnosed Aspie one. The party starts in an hour. I'm trembling.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

What did you get her for her birthday?

Is your daughter having a bad day?

She would be very sad if you weren't there on her special day.

I wish your husband could give you a hug.

I called it my "top of the mountain" moments. The huge anxiety I have before big moments. My husband and I actually climbed to the top of a mountain and I was an absolute grouch ---- now I think if I could have articulated it, I would have said "I am concerned I might slip and fall to my death". Now I know that I am extremely coordinated except when I am not (Aspie thing?). At the time, I was inexplicably irritable and grumpy. At home, I kicked a hole in the wall the night before my daughter's 1st birthday (7 yrs ago). I've handled the subsequent birthdays with less property damage. I like to focus on: by Wednesday, tomorrow, etc. this will be past and that will be good. (And most likely I will be alive.)

My daughter has had meltdowns during her parties. When she was younger I would take her aside, but now that she's older, she wants to deal with it right there and then. It's challenging but refreshing for me to see my daughter stand proud during distress (when I was "taught" otherwise).

I hope it goes well (enough) for you and your daughter!! !

It went well.
From all the guests together, she got a drawing tablet (for drawing computer pictures).
She's very happy.
I'm drained.
And it's only the beginning of December.

Happy Birthday to your daughter Magz
Well done with the party, you made it through.
Did she enjoy it?