Help- I feel like a prisoner in my own home!

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I'm new and I need your help. Thank God for Dr. Phil's show. My son, soon to be 21, has aspergers. I have been telling the doctors for years, but doctors don't like to be told how to do their job. On the show I saw my son. As my son gets older, his episodes get worse. I am a prisoner in my own home. I can not leave his siter and brother alone with him in case he has an episode. Our family is split apart, father is gone. When people at work bother him, he takes it out on me. He uses the F word with me, tells me to shut-up, the world is going to pay. He tells my youngest son plots of killing me and getting away with it. He scares everyone in the house. He was comitted for 17 days last year for a violent outburst that caused injury. At one point he was taking dexadrine and an antidepressant. It helped alittle bit, but he refuses medication, and because of his age, I can not make him take it.
I feel sorry for him, not having any friends, no girlfriend, no social life. When his eyes glaze over and he says inappropriate things, people are afraid of him.
I have not had any peace in 16 years. Can anyone help me?

Hey Mom, if you are from U.S.A you can go to your County Mental Health and let them know what you have shared with us. (I can't speak for other countries) Your son is a time bomb ready to explode, and his threats cannot be taken lightly. period..There is more than Aspergers going on with your son, as I'm sure you know. You do have, as well as your younger children, a right to a safe environment, and since your son is refusing his medication that has helped him, then he dosn't need to be there. And thats just the way it needs to be, but you cannot handle this alone, and it would be dangerous to do so. Maybe the Doctor Phil show can give you further advice on intervention as well as your local police department as they do have pyche units set up to help with these kinds of situations. The thing is, are his doctors aware of his threats and plots? If not, they need to be. I'm not saying abandon your son, I am saying though.......if he has a history of dangerous behavior, and harms one or both of your younger children, then Child Protective Services will want to know why you have allowed your adult son to be around your minor children, unfair but it is a fact, so please document everything you have tried with your son.And mentally ill or not, he needs to know, if he is to continue living at your house, then he must be respectful........and thats just final. I work with the mentally ill, no excuse.And as a rule they aren't dangerous. But he needs help, he needs it now and he needs to accept it. But PLEASE, under know circumstances, do not confront him alone about this. I want to stress, I'm using the word "Mentally Ill" not because he has Aspergers, but because like I said earlier, there's more to this than aspergers. As you see this website more, you will discover, aspies as a whole are not violent dangerous people. On the contrary, wise,honest and amazingly insiteful.

I do not know that I can. Fear, however, has often proved to be an excellent weapon, both offensively and defensively, like skirmishers, as a first line defense or added to other defense mechanisms. For the most part, I simply avoided things that would disturb me to such an extent of outburst. As far as friends and girlfriends go, im clueless myself, as i have neither. And probably never really did. I do not know your son's particular case, for me though, i often wanted to be left alone to let the steam out. Aggressive engergy and anger would build up, bottled in from one major incident to the next. I never let it out in small amounts, sometimes i do that now, and i do not know if i would ever have such an episode again, as i have not had any cause for a long time. But like steam building up in a sealed bottle, it blows up when it gets to be too much pressure to contain any longer. Causes could be various things, like misunderstandings, not fitting in adequately, mistakes (i still hate making any mistakes), finding some things too illogical to comprehend its very purpose, instigators or other humans or human like beings (its argumentative to think of some people as human) of questionable character, and such other things. Put simply, things that are too difficult to deal with rationally. Where as in video games, for example, the video game character has a sense of direction or a goal, the character is supposed to reach. He also is given skills and tools to reach that goal and options to get more or others that may help. Real life is harder to understand, in part, because there is no logical path to follow to get even moderate basic life success. It is not spelled out anywhere. Just as parents are not given either tests to prove their capacity to raise a child nor instructions to do so successfully, though humans must take tests for driving, need a license for a dog, tests to become a lawyer or a cop, and on and on.

One could argue, and probably so pretty effectively, that average or NT humans, have many of these basic skills born into them or easily acquire them perhaps by instinct, it may be said that the autistic range person, lacks said inborn skills or ease to gain them.

I used to ask my mother for a punching bag, with which to release my built up aggression, that may or may not help. Your son, though, must have moments of extreme peace, calm, or something, if not, he may have more than aspergers. Since many autistic characteristics, are what one would call "random", or like a rollercoaster with ups and downs of feeling.

If your doctors tell you that then go to another doctor, preferably one that has some or alot of experience in aspergers or at least Autistic Spectrum Disorders. You may have a difficult search. Though if you try hard, you will find one willing and able to determine what he has. Just be careful though, some doctors actually, diagnose such things too easily, like the disorder of the day. It must be legit. I for example, went to more than one to see a pattern.

I hope that little speech helps somewhat.

Thank you for your input. I have tried all those measures. They kept him for 17 days, then had to release him. His anger is over all the years kids at school have bullied him, co-workers putting him down, and no one wanting to be his friend. I am all he has. We have no family. I can not put him on the street, he can't take care of himself. When he is not having an episode, he is a wonderful person.
I was wondering if there was different medication suggestions, in case I could get him to take it? What do other aspies take? Are there support groups out there for parents? I will not put my son out on the street- that's why I am a prisoner in my own home. For my other children's protection, I will not leave them alone.

Also Paula, and Mom,

Aspergers and other ASDs, often have a wide range of other co-morbid (or additional) disorders, so its not uncommon that he may have more. I do myself.

Epimonandos-

Could you explain what those may be? may I ask if you take any medication?

Yes I take medicine now. I had many years of depression, it seemed a relief to my mom to learn that I may have had a reason for my unique but unusual behavior patterns.

Some co morbids include but may not be limited to:

ADHD, schizophrenia, Obsessive Compulsion Disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar, catatonia, Tourettes Syndrome, and a few more.

Mom:

I agree with some of the other people. There's a lot more going on than Asperger's. You need a good psychiatric evaluation. There are all sorts of medications and all sorts of ways to go. But you can't handle it yourself.

I know. I've got a kid with the same problems.

Good luck
Beentheredonethat

Dear mom-I feel for you. It seems like your son is not getting the professional help that he needs. Also, is there anyone, friend, neighbor, uncle, teacher, that would take an interest in him and help you out? He probably needs broader horizons. Is he involved in any physical activities? I think it's necessary for boys because of their testosterone. I have noticed my sons get more surly and aggresive if they do not get some heart pounding exercise. My 12 year old AS son is very negative because he want to do things that are either cost prohibitive or things that he's not old enough to do. He conflicts with us a lot. He is not violent, but has been slamming doors, stomping his feet and using negative phrases like, "break the barrier", or "Rip the Paper", or "Tear down the door", and even "Explode the Bomb", and "Saw with a Chainsaw to bits". I like to think that he is just trying to come up with analogies to how he is feeling. I sympathize with him and try to get him interested in other activities, but he does like to obsess on his disappointments. Sometimes I'll just tell him that his behavior is innappropriate and he'll have to "shadow" me to keep himself out of trouble; if I cook, he cooks: if I go to the store, he goes. Sometimes I can even get him to laugh about something. Thankfully, we have a great relationship but I do worry as he grows bigger and begins to get more frustrated about his differences and limitations. Obviously, with the age of your son, these techniques may not work. One thing I've learned is to constantly engage him with positive activities and encouragement. I do not, under any circumstances, allow him to talk to nor treat the other family members with disrespect. If he does, he will be isolated or have chores or have video games taken away. I do think that keeping him engaged is the main thing. Wish I could be more helpful.

My heart goes out to you. I was a lot like your son when I was younger. I felt like the world not only didn't understand me but was too lazy to even try and found it easier to put me down. I blamed my parents for giving birth to me in the first place. As the line in the Tears for Fears song goes, they gave me life and in return I gave them Hell. The resulting anger crippled me for many years. It's only through a combination of therapy, medication and having friends to talk to that I am as social as I am.

You and your son both need someone to talk to--if not a therapist, than a priest or a trusted friend/family member. If there's a support group in your area, that would be good. You could also encourage your son to join this on-line community so he'd have a safe place to vent his frustration and rage.

I know there aren't many positives but I heard two:
1) He has a job.
2) He has moments when he seem to be at peace.

I would look for any common factors in those moments--they might explain why he's at peace and suggest ways for him to find such peace more easily and more frequently.

Good luck to you. My thoughts are with you. May God be between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk.

Hi, Mom. I'm glad you posted.

You may wish to also visit www.conductdisorders.com

Many of the parents there will be able to relate to what you have written. The forum owner and mods have seen it all. You probably want to start in their general forum but they also have a forum for parents with adult aged children.

Good luck to you and your family.

BeeBee

Thank you all for your suggesstions, but believe me, writing here was the last cry for help. My son as been under intense observation since grade school. He has tried every kind of medication. We have been to therapy. We are close friends with the pastor of our church. When he was in a mental health facility, they tested him for several things, unfortunately they also had him drugged. they came to the conclusion to put him on Abilifi, which put him in the hospital from having a bad reaction! Before he left the hospital, he agreed to sign a contract with me that would allow him to come home. The conditions were, he had to take his meds, be respectable, no violent outburts, pay $150 rent (needs to learn some responsibility).
the meds didn't work, he kept one appointment and told me he just said what thwey wanted him to say, he doesn't pay the $150 and argues that "he is taken care of the family" by doing so, and I am worn out arguing the point of learning how to take care of yourself. He thinks he is right and the whole world is wrong. he obsesses over things that happened years ago. Pretty women are "preps", guys are "jocks",any one with ambition he hates.
He works almost full time where he most make sure everything is done perfect, of course this causes co-workers to make fun of him being slower than they are. He does have auditory processing issues, and frequently does not understand what is being explained to him without asking things over and over. I have to let him do things himself. I can not go to his job and tell his boss and co-workers his problems.
He tells me everything is my fault because I "helped him to much" in the past. EVERYTHING comes down to it being my fault with whatever problem he has.

Mom,

-There could be a few possible reasons why he does not pay rent:
One, he does not think it is a serious offer (since, perhaps, the hospital suggested it and not you), and therefore, does not feel obligated to follow through.
-Two, he may have had a past experience that caused him to distrust regular payments or contracts, such that maybe the other side was not fulfilled properly.
-Three, he maybe paranoid about having enough money to make it on his own, and therefore hoards it, rarely goes out or spends much, if any of it, does not pay his share, and so on.
-Another thing is, has he ever had to live on his own before? If not, he may not understand fully or appreciate what it takes.
Oddly, I still do not see a great difference to some of my experience, save the hospital trip.
Is he not respectable, even when calm? If not, I would have to suggest it maybe more than just Aspergers. As far as violent outbursts, it depends on the nature, if its hitting walls, or such, he is venting the steam of bottled up rage from incidents piling up that cause stress. If he simply, yells or hollers, once in awhile and pretty much nothing more, he maybe experiencing stress of intolarable experiences. For me, i hate having to repeat myself, or being ignored, which are among the most common. Another one, could be, if he has nothing to do. Like no music, entertaining tv or movies, games, reading, hobbies, then he may start thinking about how crappy his past was and how unsatisfying his present maybe because of his past.

I hope this helps some.

If he breached the contract, shouldn't he be back in the hospital?

EDIT:

OK, I should explain why I said that in context. I was, all my life, in and out of hospitals, residential, etc. and I don't have the same repugnance for them than most people here do. I think, if you cannot live with him, you cannot live with him.

I don't know your financial situation but this is a unique thing my parents (first mom, then dad) have been doing since I was 16 (I'm almost 20 now and a junior in college): They pay my rent and utilities (basically everything because I currently get disability- once I get out of grad school I plan on being financially independant, I'm not going to be a slug forever) and I live on my own. We kinda started out with baby steps, the last half of my last year of high school I lived in a place less than a mile from where my mom was living. Then I moved to be near my college (then last year moved to be nearer). It was one of the most aewsome things she could have done. I have craploads of life skills for someone who's still 19 (I have a 22 year old friend who can't do laundy! my god, I was doing mine when I was 13. Well, I had to, the staff at the treatment center wouldn't do it for us ) and the anger's ironing out (sllooowwwlllyyy, much to my frustration, but it's better than it was). It also helps that I have a goal/see coherence in life. I'm also in therapy and medicated (Zyprexa- not for the AS, I kind of have disordered thinking or something).

Anyway if that is something you could afford I'd suggest it. Also, for the social aspect, I am doing soooo well on that in college. And I was a HUGE loner in high school. If he's working he probably can't, but maybe trying to get him to join some kind of group, even group therapy or something. Social stuff is really important to me, personally- I think without freidns I'd still be extremely depressed. If I'm alone for even a couple days without seeing anyone (remember, I live alone, it happens), I get really funny in the head.

Oh, by the way- my mom would have probably said something like what you're saying when I was 16, and definitely all the time before that, basically, if that helps.

I probably shouldn't be posting this, but I feel an unexplainable urge to, so forgive/ignore anything you find inappropiate.

I'll have to piece your situation so I can discuss what I'm going to work on.

You - Mom
Your eldest son - Catalyst Agent
Younger son - Hooks and chains
Younger daughter - Hooks and chains

Extra Information
Eldest son has a job - Yes
He lives in your home - Yes
He cannot take care of himself - Indefinite
He feels no fear to curse at you - Yes
He uses you as a conduit to take stress out on - Yes
He plots to murder you - Yes
Medication - Not on a steady basis

You feel that you trapped - Yes

This is important, my mother and I suffer from this 'feeling trapped' mentality. Our pleas to fix the situation go unanswered or noone seems to understand or give us the magical solution which doesn't require any effort or walking down a path frought with guilt, regret, or putting yourself in a bad light. This mentality, I have seen proven, is a harbringer of calamity.

I brought up the conclusion of this trapped situation before and it led to me being reminded that it is not an appropiate subject (Where's the book on that) so I'll be brief on the details. The exit towards my mother's trapped mentality led to her making insane decisions since none of the doctors, her family, or herself could give her an easy solution to her problem. Now she finally did something that someone has to take notice of, she now resides in a State mental facility, I wish I knew what she is diagnosed with, but discussion about her brings a foul mood amonst the renmants of the family.

I actually seen myself caught in feeling like I was trapped, I would do things (minor) to try to get people's attention to get rid of me so I would finally be out of it. None of them noticed, I couldn't sleep at night, I was stressed out immeasurably. Up to now, I'm still in the same trap, but I now view it in a different light that has not caused me any stress.

I do not have any easy solution to get out of the trap. I never did, but I just changed my outlook on it so I don't consider it a trap. I can sleep better because of this. How you figure out how to change your outlook is up to you, but staying in the trap is only going to cause more misery.

Your son blames you for EVERYTHING - Yes

From a logical standpoint, the answer is both yes and no. I actually blame people for my problems too, and I also blame myself.

To understand the logic contained in this.

There is a rattlesnake den. You stick your hand in it. You get bit. Whose fault is it? Using my point of view (logic), it is your fault.
Using this logic, your son probably blames you just like if you are sticking your hand in the hole.
It seems I blame people for 'doing' things rather than them not doing them.

By the sounds of it, you totally believe he cannot live independantly. Since getting through this stage, like everyone else suggested that he might have more than aspergers within him so I do not know anything how you might construct a way for him to live alone.

He has a job, well if it pays well enough, I suppose it is helpful. Although working along with other humans creates a trap in of itself which leads back to the above explanation of ridding your mind of that mentality.

What skills does he have that one needs to possess to live indenpendantly?

Basic decision making skills that are paramount to me is something I cannot do. Going by his obvious hate for confident individuals, he probably also lacks ambition to do things like decision making.

You are asking him to apply amition to learn how to take care of himself - ?

I love my days structured and organized. Decision making done by my parents and other people seems freaking weird to me in how random it is. I need something solid so I understand how to maintain the balance.
Everday chores that I know that doesn't require any decision on when or if you have to do them are a blessing.

Now does he adhere to things that he knows that he has to do that doesn't include a decision on if or when it's appropiate. I wash clothes everyday, it's a pattern for me, I do the dishes every 2-3 days. This is definition, there is no guesswork, or if/when/or situations. It all makes sense.

I hate cleaning, why? First of all, you have to decide if something is dirty. The next thing you have to do is decide when it's clean enough (No matter how long I clean, it doesn't seem clean enough. There is no goal that is infallible.

It seems that I have to teach my instructors in how to teach me. For example, my father was trying to get me to learn how to tie a specific type of knot, whenever I couldn't do it. He would grab it and do it himself thinking that I would learn from this, the fact is I don't. I had to force him to not grab the rope and to explain in literate detail the exact methods to do it. I then converted this information so now after forgetting it numerous times and reworking with it. The knot is burned into my head. This doesn't mean I'm a slow learner, more that there is a communication barrier because of sight and poor usage of words.

What methods do you use to teach your son?

My mother once when I told her that if she wants to gripe at us over the dishes, that I would do it to prevent me having to listen to it. Instead of teaching me how, she just pulls me towards the sink where the dishes were and left me there. I asked her for an explanation on how to do it but she replied curtly, "Figure it out."

My father doesn't explain things intelligently, he thinks that just because I'm with him, that I would learn how to do something since I have been with him while he does it. This does not work either, I have to do the task, I have to know it well enough that I can explain it to someone how to do it.

Since I abhor decision making where it isn't definite on when to choose something (How clean is clean, when is it dirty enough that it needs to be clean?) I want to look at the terms your son was set with.

The conditions were, he had to take his meds, be respectable, no violent outburts, pay $150 rent (needs to learn some responsibility).

1: Take medication
2: Be Respectable
3: No violent outbursts
4L Pay $150

I hate medications, so I'm not going to comment on those.

Be respectable
Define respect, I know I can safely say that the way I communicate is quite disrespectful when I look at it in hindsight. However, most of it is caused by my rattlesnake in the den logic.

No violent outbursts
I only violently outburst when I've been confronted. Which during the past 4 years, I used to do it alot initially, but given solitude I have only blew up twice in the last two years. It isn't a decision of if I want to blow up either, if I am given the right stimulus, I'll blow up. It's as simple as that.

What causes your son to blow up? Since you don't trust him with your younger son or daughter alone, what stimulus does he receive from them? He comes home from school/work and needs to vent his frustration towards people?

My uncle said something to me that made me angry the whole day, so angry that I started talking to myself about him. Someone heard and thought I was talking to them, I was in such an irrate mood, that I didn't take the time to explain that I was merely ripping apart my uncle's words and that it has nothing to do with this other person, so instead I just played along with their intial choice of my words as that path seems to work the easiest for me. Finally at the end of the day, I talked with my aunt and she gave a lame excuse that my uncle was stressed out from ordering something and tried to make it seem like I should forgive him for it. I have not spoken with that man since so I do not know if I have forgiven him, but the next time I do speak with him, I hope he doesn't rouse the same stimulas that caused my anger.

I believe everything I said is probably not going to help you at all. I have no idea what you are going through, and it seems quite scary/stressful by the way you wrote your posts.

My only suggestion is that you are looking at the situation where it needs to be correct and that everything else is a trap. My mother has escaped the trap with great consequences, I have not escaped it, but rather changed my outlook on it. Maybe you can use some magical pill to get yourself out of it. Talking about your problem is a good first step though, I believe the other users on the board have alot of wisdom etched into the syllables that make up their words.

Wow, this is more like me ranting about my problems rather than helping you about yours. I actually feel better about myself now that I typed this. Don't take what I say seriously, it is completely ungrounded and only supported by the ramblings contained within my mind.

Taruby- thank you so much for taking the time to write. You, and the others have helped so much. Because my son has a hard time trying to tell me in words how he feels, you have in a way been his voice. Unfortunately I made the mistake of telling him about this site and how I wrote asking for help. I only wanted to try to understand what goes on in his mind, how I can help him and protect my family. He read what I wrote and it triggered an episode. A bad one. I was shocked at what I saw through his bedroom window.
After a sleepless night locked in my room with the other children, he went to work and was "ok".
Of course he needed me to take him to work, help him with a bank transaction, and call the DMV. ( he paid $900 cash for a 5 speed he does not know how to drive because he wants to "drift") He has finally agreed to listen to me about selling the car and getting a car without a stick, because he has driven it into the garage, stalled out in the middle of an intersection, and admits he has anxiety about driving. Thank god for small blessings!
I'm sorry about your mom Taruby, you don't say what happened to cause her to go to the hospital, but I can't get to that point myself because I am all my children have. It's draining, discouraging and hard because I love my son so much and want him to have a "normal" life- but who's to say what's normal. I do know that having only one friend, and no girl friend, no social life does bother him.
Thanks again to all of you for your help.