Highly gifted boy student, 16, would like girlfriend

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Looking for others who can relate and share support/possible solutions regarding my Aspie son. He's HIGHLY gifted academically, almost 16, will continue science magnet program in 10th grade (4 AP classes), above-average looks, perfect speech patterns — but terribly socially isolated. While he claims it's by choice, he's lamented his situation on occasion, and moreover, has stated his desire for a girlfriend for more than a year. I don't see that happening any time soon (nor does he, realistically ) since he doesn't communicate with virtually ANY peers outside of school, at best maybe a couple of rotating pals, if that. Typical of AS, he's exceptionally awkward -- and/or just appears disconnected -- when he does enter social situations. At home, he's a pleasant, low-key kid who has zero interest in e-mailing, texting or phoning anyone. Every interest, from computers to reading, science, building, political humor, comedy, and educational television, he pursues solo. Obviously, the days of mom arranging play dates are long over. (Many former chums are now outgoing teens who’ve drifted away from my son.) He can be warm and engaging with some family members and others -- mostly adults or younger kids -- so he seems to "have it in him" IF he feels a total comfort level. He plans to join several clubs at school next term (mostly academic and community service), but even in small student groups involving common interests, he appears truly lost socially. I haven't found any like situations in the Boca (FL) area, just one Asperger's group that drew mostly teens with learning/behavioral disorders. I'm assuming he'll find a niche in college (hopefully by graduate school!! ! ), but we have 3 years to go. Three years to help and prepare this sweet young man! Again, I'd love to network with others in similar situations -- parents, older Aspie students themselves, or anyone who knows this type of teen-ager.

He isn't comfortable with the situation at all. He envies the other kids but suppresses it by filling the gap with his interests further. None of his peers are going to understand him, and that is probably already his reasoning. Find other aspie kids!

Your son sounds like the perfect kind of catch, I'm glad you're looking out for him. What you'll have to do is understand what he finds attractive in other girls, he might not want to open up about it (I'm a little shy myself to admint what I find physically attractive), but there's a reason to do this. Playing set-up is a very well intentioned game and in your situation, it could actually help him out. Where most people go wrong is they assess personality without giving looks a second thought, people are just looks based too and what you find attractive might just turn him away.

There are plenty of church groups and volunteer organizations that he may enjoy. You might want to find a place with college aged women because he seems to be more mature than his peers in many ways. In the end, you just have to turn him loose and let him wander to find who he would enjoy spending time with, but he can have some positive experiences with your guidance. Dancing and yoga classes are other great places to interact with women, the real plus is that many males don't try this, the women at these classes are more than understanding and are glad when any kind of guy shows up to help them on their routines, he could have a lot of fun at these places and learn to dance a little.

Sounds like me at that age Pretty socially isolated, relatively happy with being so (due to social anxiety and just being really picky about how I spent my spare time and what I identified with in youth culture, which wasn't much), but an empty hole where the girlfriend should be.

Assuming he is as you describe (because Mom can be biased about her kid's looks) things should work out. In my case, I had several girls approach me over the years, and finally one came that met my requirements and came at a time when I was comfortable to let her in. He can help accelerate this process greatly by sacrificing a little of his time to do some extracurricular stuff or a school organization, and things like Facebook make it easy to effortlessly stay in touch and be semi-social.

This "extra effort" part is pretty critical, as it is what allows girls to get to know him and give them a "face-saving" opening to approach him or signal that they are available and interested. Without this, he's like a store with a permanent "Closed" sign in the window -- someone may "break-in" eventually, but it will be a very aggressive girl/woman who may not have his best interests in mind. It would be much better for him to get some regular "foot traffic"

One warning though -- landing a girlfriend will bring up an entirely new set of emotional buffeting, so there may be some rough riding ahead. Also, are you prepared for him to become sexually active? These things can steamroll, and he'll probably want to do it at your house, in his room. That's the way it happened for me -- my first GF was very sexually aggressive, groped me on our first date (unitiated by me), and the second time she ever came to our house, we had sex. I think Mom was very surprised and alarmed to see how quickly things progressed, so be prepared for that eventuality.

One other thing -- once he does land a girlfriend or the chance for one, you might want to go through this checklist of what he will need, as he might not think of this stuff out of lack of experience. These are all pretty much of equal priority:

1. Car or some other reliable form of transportation -- even if it's just the shared family car, he's going to need access to transportation to get out of the house and go on dates. This is not optional.

2. Cell phone -- you need a way to get in contact with him away from the house.

3. Spending money -- I suggest beefing up his allowance, even if he does have a job. I also recommend a low-limit credit card that you pay the bills on that he has rules on acceptable spending for. This will also help him build up credit early in life.

4. Birth control and sex education. Make sure he understands all the facts, how to use things like condoms, knows how easily STD's like Chlamydia are spread, etc. Make sure he also knows to get tested periodically, and that Planned Parenthood (at least here in the States) usually has low-cost or free birth control, testing, and some medical procedures (like abortions). It also makes sure some stealth disease like Chlamydia or Hepatitis C doesn't ruin his reproductive chances or his liver over the long term (and don't forget about HIV).

5. A calendar or some way to keep track of important dates, like anniversaries. Young or first-time couples sometimes celebrate on the month for the amount of time they have been going out (e.g., 3 month anniversary, etc.) He'll need money for that too, usually just a card and a little gift like chocolate.

6. Privacy. He's not your little boy anymore. Expect that he probably wants to have sex with his girlfriend, and often (twice day when I was about that age, no joke). See #4 RE: birth control so that you or he doesn't end up with another mouth to feed and a ruined life.

That's all I can think of for now -- hope this helps.

Wow, that sounds exactly like I would be if my family hadn't moved across the country. I was "exceptionally gifted" in school, being in this program called IB, but when we moved I dropped down to regular classes and my confidence jumped quite a bit because I found myself at the top of the school. I'm still in the top twenty in my high school, though that's because I stopped caring about grades, lol. I'm gonna see if I can Ace senior year, get a couple scholarships just because...

but yeah, this last year I focused on girlfriends, because I was exactly like that. Everything I did was solo, and I just plain didn't know what to do. I just hoped having a relationship would improve my spirits. So, there was just one girl I knew would go out with me because for whatever reason, she was in love with me. I finally asked her out and we kinda dated, though I was still pretty awkward. After a while, I broke it off because of my own stupidity in regards to an online relationship I deeply regret, yet don't at the same time, because it gave me some much needed experience. So I dated another girl after that, and I've become fairly proficient at figuring out how to get them. I was emotional at that time though, so it didn't last long. After that I dated a boy, and it was a much much better relationship, and I personally think it explains why I've never honestly been interested in getting a girl for the purposes of sex. I've thought sex was a waste of time unless you want children, but after him, well lets just say I understand it a little better. My drive is still low enough that I make the ideal boyfriend, being totally honest when I say I don't care if we never do it, lol. A lot of people don't understand that.

But I dawdle, I dilly and dally. It's annoying to talk about myself in someone else's thread. I want to be helpful if I can, so lets see... If you want him to have a girl in his life, you need to find a girl who will agree to make it blatantly obvious that she likes him a lot. If there's even a hint that she doesn't like him, at least for me, it could make it impossible for me to ever ask, because I'll feel like a burden and an idiot for asking out someone who obviously doesn't like me enough to date.

So, yeah, make it obvious that she likes him, and present multiple opportunities to ask her out, or even have her ask him out if he refuses to do it out of respect for her feelings. I know I hated to ask anyone out, because I feared that I was being super selfish and making them think I thought they liked me, resulting in a jerk-face outlook of myself... hehe, well, good luck!

Pack him off to ballroom latin lessons when he starts at university it is a good time to take up the hobby, but if you arrive there already knowing how to do it then he will be more desireable as a catch by the young ladies there.

Just tell him not to expect to be able to pick up a girl there. But he might meet one there.

If I was a girl would I choose Bill Gates or O. J. Simpson?
Wow, that was an easy choice!

Where to meet a nice sweet girl?

Well it won't be at a bar or a disco or rave party.

Try church groups or art societies or charities etc.

The other thing about this thread that occurred to me is that while Mom can show an interest in her son's well being, aside from some very gentle prodding to the son about getting out there and joining some club, there's not much she can do directly.

I remember being the same age, 16, and my Mom asking me about girls and if there was anyone I was interested in. There definitely were, but my assessment of the situation at the time (which was a bit overly pessimistic) was that no one I was interested in was interested in me. Weighing out the reality of the situation (most of the girls I liked were popular or at least had a lot of friends, while I was a nobody), I felt my odds were pretty slim.

Turns out I was wrong, as many teenage guys are about their chances -- I had a girlfriend about 6 months later, and even before that, had one of the very popular girls show interest in me (though it would have never worked out, due to my social deficiencies). While guys are often too optimistic about their chances with certain select girls, overall they are much more attractive than they know, or than girls let on at that age.

Just get him out there, involved in some way with a co-ed club or organization, and nature will take its course.

Bocamom -- just saw your PM now -- Please check your inbox, and I would be glad to elucidate further.

try to post his pic here or something like that so that others could see..maybe on the adolecent section...

try to post his pic here or something like that so that others could see..maybe on the adolecent section... [/quote]

I appreciate the interesting possibility suggested by visnoskygirl, though it might be a bit risky for my son (he'll "die" of embarrassment/won't be able to handle outcome ); or risky in general -- possibly opening door to the wrong kind of attention. So, I have a question to throw out to both adolescent and post-adolescent Aspies about this web site actual "date-seeking" or "matchmaking." I'm very new, and don't have time to read a lot of threads, so I'm unsure if this even takes place frequently, but for anyone who's actually used the site to find romance, am curious how successful it has or hasn't been?

I appreciate the interesting possibility suggested by visnoskygirl, though it might be a bit risky for my son (he'll "die" of embarrassment/won't be able to handle outcome ); or risky in general -- possibly opening door to the wrong kind of attention. So, I have a question to throw out to both adolescent and post-adolescent Aspies about this web site actual "date-seeking" or "matchmaking." I'm very new, and don't have time to read a lot of threads, so I'm unsure if this even takes place frequently, but for anyone who's actually used the site to find romance, am curious how successful it has or hasn't been? [/quote]

If there is any romance going on here, then I don't know about it. I think us guys go here to work out our relationship issues and aren't expecting to attract girls in the first place. I can't tell you why all the girls show up, but there's enough to ask. I honestly think that his chances of a real hookup are better in the real world. There aren't many women who devote their time to any internet site other than myspace or facebook (major speculation here, I could be dead wrong). When the subject is brought up, just about any woman will explain that anyone trying to start a relationship on myspace or in a bar is going to get shot down (I'm assuming this is pre-drunkeness). Most women I know expect this sort of thing to happen unexpectedly, but will gladly show up to a real group to get to know her prospects (people don't trust the internet like they used to). His best option is learning his demographics and putting himself in a better situation (a set-up for success).

Highschool is so socially stratified that it's just hard to get a decent relationship without some status symbol, and the straight shooter approach isn't as popular as being on the football team or having a nice car. College is where the fun starts, it's where people with the life plans are separated from the people who just want to enjoy or show off.

I'm not sure about the "romance thing" but I did gain alot of friends over that we even chat everytime on MSN...I prefer to talk with aspies than talking with those nonsense NT....
I am a NT as of today and I am trying my best to escape my psychiatrist.. I dont care if i'm a NT or aspie..well,everybody is unique