Self conflict over being on this site

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Stuki
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01 Jul 2009, 7:52 am

This is a bit difficult for me to explain, I signed up to this site a month or two ago, introduced myself and havn't been back till now. I guess my problem is, I'm having a self conflicting thoughts about being here, hoping somone who has been in a similar situation can offer support. Also noting that it is not to do with anyone here, you guys made me feel very welcome here and I am thankful for that.

My issue is, I guess, one part is I can't help feeling that my parents would be disapointed if they found me here, as they obviously know I have it, but would rather not talk or about it or have me focus on it, becuase after all I'm just normal like everyone else, right? I know I'm old enough to make my own decisions and whatever, being 19, but I always have a fear of disapointing my parents, I dont know why.

On the other hand, I came here to find help for problems, maybe make freinds and talk to people. And with that decision, I have to face that I have problems, which is never easy. I haven't had any real freinds for years, i have trouble socialising blah blah blah its all too much.

so yeah, thats basically my issue, it's difficlt to explain, I wish i could just decide and stick with it.
anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, i dunno



makuranososhi
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01 Jul 2009, 8:04 am

Stick around; you're not here for your parents or your acquaintances... you're here because you are looking for answers, looking for support, and asking questions. There is nothing wrong with that, and remember - you are taking care of yourself by doing so. Glad to see you came back.


M.


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itsallrosie
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01 Jul 2009, 8:59 am

Do your parents need to know it's an autism forum? Just tell them you're finding friends. Maybe one day there will be social meetings in Australia so you could even find face to face friends. I believe there are meetings in Brisbane but elsewhere I don't know.
Pleased to meet you anyway.


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ToughDiamond
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01 Jul 2009, 9:04 am

I can relate to your wish to avoid worrying your parents. Lots of the things I did when I was younger, I kept hidden from mine. I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I also sensed that they wouldn't have seen it that way. It's sad that it had to be like that, but I needed to grow, and at the end of the day it was my life, and I honestly think I'd have been a lot more unhappy by now if I'd not lived my own life.

I guess it's difficult for most Aspies to "go underground" and hide stuff from people they care about, but I think there are times when it's the best thing. Hopefully it'll be enough to simply not tell them....I would think that at the age of 19, they don't have a right to know everything you do, even if they're paying the bills.

It might also be worth your while to reflect on whether or not they would be so gutted if you did tell them.....though I don't advocate taking the risk of doing that if you think there's a chance they will be. Are they the type to come to terms with things over time? Also, they might not both have the same level of inflexibility - you might find one of them is less scared of these things than the other is.

I think it can sometimes be very hard to stand up to parents, as the son or daughter has usually grown up with them calling all the shots, so it's difficult to establish themselves as individuals in their own right and to begin to change the power relationship from authority to friend. Often it's difficult to even weigh up what sort of people our parents are, as we're too close to them to view things veery clearly. There's often a lot of conflict in the rebellion process and neither party feels good about it for a time.

The good thing about Wrong Planet is that you can be as anonymous as you want to be.

Anyway, welcome aboard, and I wish you luck with finding out about yourself and treading your difficult path re your parents.



whipstitches
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01 Jul 2009, 10:00 am

Don't feel so put off by your parents wanting to downplay your diagnosis. Perhaps they are doing this because they don't want you to focus to much on the negatives. Does this make sense? They probably wouldn't be disappointed by you wanting to connect with other people.....even other people who also have AS. I think it is a fine choice to want to learn more about yourself. Wrong Planet is a great place to do that, too - by the way!

Welcome! 8)



RoisinDubh
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01 Jul 2009, 10:33 am

My mother, whose father most likely had Asperger's, and is possibly an Aspie herself, just recently came around....I mean, I was dx'ed in 2000, and my mother was fighting me tooth and nail about it till roundabout 6 months ago!

Stay! Being here will ultimately make you feel better....for the support, advice, and of course, the chance to (finally!) meet a whole lot of like-minded people in one place.


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01 Jul 2009, 10:35 am

Stuki, does the fact that there are others here just like you, dealing with this same issue, make it easier for you to start exploring your own perception of things, of yourself, of your possibilites and limitations as separate from your parents' expectations?

Even though I spend a lot of time in here, the nagging internalized voice of my late mother nudges me all the time, saying "Stop wasting your time with those good-for-nothings and start looking for a job! So what if you were fired or pushed to leave from all jobs till today? Just be nice and work hard and it won't happen again!" My family always denied my condition even in the face of the clearest consequences of it, and therefore I grew up believing all I had to do was make a bigger effort to be nice. I chose to go my own way ideologically and accept reality and deal with my real pluses and minuses, but you're not in any obligation to do this. All choices have advantages and disadvantages.


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sbwilson
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01 Jul 2009, 11:43 am

Stuki wrote:
This is a bit difficult for me to explain, I signed up to this site a month or two ago, introduced myself and havn't been back till now. I guess my problem is, I'm having a self conflicting thoughts about being here, hoping somone who has been in a similar situation can offer support. Also noting that it is not to do with anyone here, you guys made me feel very welcome here and I am thankful for that.

My issue is, I guess, one part is I can't help feeling that my parents would be disapointed if they found me here, as they obviously know I have it, but would rather not talk or about it or have me focus on it, becuase after all I'm just normal like everyone else, right? I know I'm old enough to make my own decisions and whatever, being 19, but I always have a fear of disapointing my parents, I dont know why.

On the other hand, I came here to find help for problems, maybe make freinds and talk to people. And with that decision, I have to face that I have problems, which is never easy. I haven't had any real freinds for years, i have trouble socialising blah blah blah its all too much.

so yeah, thats basically my issue, it's difficlt to explain, I wish i could just decide and stick with it.
anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, i dunno


I can only imagine the position you're in. If my parents were still living, I could almost garauntee you that they'd think I was sitting around on the computer wasting my time.
Your parents likely would rather you be focusing on the things in your life that are going well for you. However, what they might not realise is that the WrongPlanet boards just MIGHT BE one of those things. This is the first place I've ever come to talk to people who I feel are running in the same race as me. And for people who have difficulties 'relating' neurotypically, I think this is one of the best places. I have 'friends' here in real life, but only maybe about 2 of them actually 'get' me. So when I feel like I really desire to be understood, I come here. Most times, just reading other people's posts helps me feel more settled inside. Seeing that others face the same hurdles and reading their ideas for how to get over them, helps me feel much better. I'd say, feel free to come to the boards whenever you like. No one here will disown you if you don't show up for a while. If your parents have an issue with it, tell them it was created for people exactly like you and that we ALL benefit in one way or another from your presence. Sort of like group therapy :)



Willard
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01 Jul 2009, 3:15 pm

Stuki wrote:
I can't help feeling that my parents would be disappointed if they found me here, as they obviously know I have it, but would rather not talk or about it or have me focus on it, because after all I'm just normal like everyone else, right?



Since you say they 'obviously' know, I'm assuming you've been officially diagnosed? Otherwise, they may very well not know. In any event every case and every family has different sets of reactions to the idea, but not all are negative. My parents always treated me as 'just like everybody else' even though I clearly was not, because in those days nobody had ever heard of AS. In some ways, that was probably good, it forced a self-reliance I might not have learned otherwise, but, as you say I felt overall as though I were quite the disappointment to them. They never said that, but I knew what they expected and that was never me.

When the DX finally came, well into middle age, the reaction was mixed and uncertain, but I can tell you I sensed a tremendous relief on the part of my Mother, who I believe had for years thought I was odd through some parenting defect on her part. So for her at least, my being an Aspie actually relieved a lot of disappointment. My Dad, on the other hand, I think, feels somehow responsible, as though one has any control over a chromosomal burp that only pops up randomly throughout the gene pool.

I guess what I'm saying is: Life gives us enough to worry about, without borrowing guilt on behalf of others who simply cannot understand what it's like to live inside an autistic brain. On some level, I've probably disappointed nearly everyone who's ever gotten close to me, or tried to. But I have learned to be very up front about what I have to offer and what I don't. If they refuse to hear it, and expect too much, that's their problem, not mine.

Some people wouldn't get it if you tattooed "I Yam What I Yam" on your forehead.

Welcome back. Hope you find some solace here.



Stuki
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02 Jul 2009, 2:08 am

In reply to Willard, I have been officially diagnosed with Aspergers since I was 13.

Well, thanks so much guys for sharing your knowledge and wisdom, you have easily convinced me to stay here. It would be great to hear more about you and have a conversation, it would be very intresting to me. I have only ever properly met one Aspie in real life, and she is affected a lot differently than I am so it was a strange expereince. I am veyr shy myself, and she was very outgoing. hmm. I attended a conversation skills course for a week a few years ago but it didn't help me, it was more about what to talk about, where i know what to talk about I feel, I just can't express it verbally easy. thats me anyway.

you guys rock, so thanks so much again.



whipstitches
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02 Jul 2009, 9:50 am

You're welcome Stuki! Thanks for sharing your predicament with us. That is really what it is all about. There are not a lot of folks out there who really do understand what we are going through; although people do try sometimes. That is why forums like this are so important. We all need to function in the real world, but we also need a place to be ourselves and discuss the trauma and pressure and stress that day to day living brings us. No one can really relate to the difficulties that folks with AS have better than other folks who also have AS. 8)



makuranososhi
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02 Jul 2009, 1:10 pm

Stuki wrote:
In reply to Willard, I have been officially diagnosed with Aspergers since I was 13.

Well, thanks so much guys for sharing your knowledge and wisdom, you have easily convinced me to stay here. It would be great to hear more about you and have a conversation, it would be very intresting to me. I have only ever properly met one Aspie in real life, and she is affected a lot differently than I am so it was a strange expereince. I am veyr shy myself, and she was very outgoing. hmm. I attended a conversation skills course for a week a few years ago but it didn't help me, it was more about what to talk about, where i know what to talk about I feel, I just can't express it verbally easy. thats me anyway.

you guys rock, so thanks so much again.


Glad you decided to stay; would enjoy the chance to talk more. I did not find out about AS until after I was 30; my mother sees it, even if she doesn't understand... and I've never bothered to broach the topic with my father because I don't think it would coalesce for him. Keep breathing, and will see you around here.


M.


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My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.

For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!