Alien Sighting

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Hello my name is John,

I'm 34 years old, have two children (11 and 9), and I've been married for 14 years. I was diagnosed with Asperger's and biploar disorder about 5 years ago--most of my life I have been simply diagnosed with "Major Depression." I have been in mental intitutions 3 times during my life.

I find the URL of the site to be very interesting, since one of the first things my therapist (the one who correctly diagnosed me) said to me was "I think you are an alien on this planet."

It's true; ever since I can remember thinking "Something is wrong with me," "I'm not like everyone else but I don't know why," "I will never be happy."

What can I say about my childhood? I was kicked out of every daycare and school that I remember. I was a social pariah: people hated me, made fun of me, pulled pranks on me, and even physically abused me.
My father didn't know what to do with me and basically beat the hell out of me.

This may sound strange, but I'll tell you what Asperger's does for me; it gives me the ability to make anyone hate me in a very short amount of time. That's right, I can meet anyone and they'll hate me within a very short amount of time, no matter who they are--I'm a master at it, without even trying!

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In high school I took up football, and was very successful. Everyone on the team (and not on the team) hated me, but I was a good player. I spent years 16-17 in a mental hostpital, and then joined AA (they told me I was an alcoholic). I stayed sober for 6 years without much trouble, but still didn't find what I needed. Today I know I'm not an alcoholic--I'm an alien.

After high school I went to college, and got a degree in Chemical Engineering.

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Let me back up a bit. I've been programming since I was 11 years old, nearly 24 years. I started with Apple Basic, then moved on to 6502 assembler. In college I managed many AIX RS6000 servers, and got a job programming on the side. I also had a business building computers to help work my way through school. During and after college I was always programming, I never used my degree in Chemical Engineering, but went directly into software.

I joined Microsoft in 2000 as a Software Development Engineer, and promptly left in 2003. I now consult back to Microsoft. I work from home, in a dark room, avoiding meetings and people at all costs.

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That's right, I avoid contact with humans, eye contact, etc. Why? Because I've learned very well over the last 34 years that, as much as I try or want it, I'll never get along with people. In fact, the more effort I put into it, the worse the results are. You may know what I'm talking about.

I've tried to hard to get along with normal people, but it just doesn't work. This may sound old and cliche, but the only people that matter are family. For so many years I've tried to find acceptance everywhere else, while my family loved me all the time. Church, believe it or not, has also been amazing. They accept me and my family no matter what, and I've even found others with aspergers and bipolar disorder in church.

Now, my oldest son is showing signs. We home school him, keeping him away from the public school system, and he's maturing well. I would say that the most damaging thing in my whole life was the public school system--I don't believe anyone with aspergers belongs in the public school system. College is fine, but elementary, middle, and especially high school are a tortured existiance for kids with aspergers.

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My jaded advice, take it or leave it:

1. It's a simple fact that the world is mean, and *most* people do not care that anyone has aspergers. If they sense weakeness, or something out of the ordinary, they pounce on it. Never give them anything to work with, never get too involved with "normal" people...stick with family.

2. Get a sense of humor, if you can make "normal" people laugh, it goes a LONG, LONG way. Keep them laughing!

3. Be heard, and not seen. It's true, absence makes the heart grow fond. The less people see me (see the rule #2 about making people laugh) the more they love me. The more people see me, the less they like me. Simple as that.

4. Learn to force eye contact. It sucks, but I just stare in someones eyes for about 3-5 seconds and then look away. I do this a few times during a conversation. Yes, it feels like climbing a rope in gym class.

5. Don't be shy or timid:

"Audentes fortuna juvat - Fortune favors the bold." - Virgil

I used to be shy and timid, but I FORCED myself to be the opposite. Most people are mice, take control from the start.

6. Get a job that doesn't require "people skills." Working from home is the best route.

7. IMPORTANT: Think 24 hours (AT LEAST) before making any major decision.

Any time you send an important email, save it and send it the next day. TRUST ME!

8. MOST IMPORTANT: Shut up. Don't talk. Keep it inside. Listen!

The hardest one of all--people want to hear themselves talk, not you. Just let them blab on. Remember rule #1, people only care about themselves and their own issues. The more you talk, the less people like you, and the dumber you look. The less you talk, the more people think you are a genius, and a good listener.

This stuff may sound quite obvious, but trust me, these simple rules have been VERY hard for me to learn. I cannot express the pain and suffering I've gone through learning these simple things.

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And lastly, remember this: If you were really an alien, living in a strange world, trying to keep a low profile...don't these rules make sense?

The more I try to be like an earthling, the more unhappy I am. The more I live my own, private, alien life...the happier I am.

There's some good advice in that post.

John,
Hello and Welcome. So glad you are here. I'm looking forward to reading more posts from you as we seem to have many of the same ideas and perceptions.
Again, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I have always had a talent for irritating people also. When I meet new people or start a new job, I let my co-workers know that "at some point I will p**s you off. Its nothing personal. It doesn't mean I don't like you. Its just fact that the longer you are around me the more likely I am to say something offensive." The worst advice I was ever given about going to college "get to know the teacher, make sure they can put a face with the name so they will get to know you and you can get a better grade." Yeah, right. More like get to know me, I say or do something offensive. I fail the class.
At one job, a couple of us had to go through "sensitivity training". They told us to just not say anything that people would find offensive. I asked how would we know what was offensive. They said to stop and think about what you were going to say and see if it would offend you, and I realized the problem. There are very few things someone could say that will offend me, so therefore I don't have an accurate basis for comparison. My solution has been similar to yours. Minimize time with non-immediate family, speak as little as possible.

hi john

you were good at football?

i couldn't even catch a ball!

That's right, I avoid contact with humans, eye contact, etc. Why? Because I've learned very well over the last 34 years that, as much as I try or want it, I'll never get along with people. In fact, the more effort I put into it, the worse the results are. You may know what I'm talking about...

...Now, my oldest son is showing signs. We home school him, keeping him away from the public school system, and he's maturing well. I would say that the most damaging thing in my whole life was the public school system--I don't believe anyone with aspergers belongs in the public school system. College is fine, but elementary, middle, and especially high school are a tortured existiance for kids with aspergers.

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with that kind of attitude you wont get along with people. The thing with aspergers is you have to actually work at getting along with people, otherwise you'll never be completly happy. Also, i went to a public school from K-12 and i made it and i couldnt IMAGINE being homeschooled. a public school setting, IMO, can be helpful. It gives them social experiences that will help them adjust to college. yes, it is harder for Aspies then NT's. but they get through it. and its important for them to go through it. yes there is teasing, bullying, crying yourself to sleep at night, ect. but ends.

You sound a lot like i do but i have one friend that I've had ever since i was 3. All the other friends I've had since just leave me after a few years when im about to warm up to them because there not used to me. I think its because i find it easier to be friends with boys then girls. I read ur rules but i find it to hard to find new friends but I have 2 online ones that are alright to talk to and I hope to meet them one day but the main problem have is getting used to the hate thing can talk to some one in half an hour and be able to get them to hate me which disterbs me because I'm just being my self and if I cant give them that then i find i cant do any thing else because I'm not going to lie for some one else to understand me. Also i get really depressed when i come home angery at some one because i feel that there have insulted me when they proberally haven't. I have slowly lost the enthusiasim to do home work because I hate school so much. and every day I know im going to come home angery and wishing school was over already I know im different and like it but it always annoys me to feel this way.
Can you give me some abvise for this because your older then me and know stuff I don't?

ok thanks a million

Hi John

haven't got much time to post but I just wanted to add my voice to the welcomes.

In the main your advice sounds sensible, coming from years of painful experience. I work in a low paid part time job with a high staff turnover. Just when I think people have got to know and like me, things change. At the moment only one person on my team talks to me, other newer people treat me like I have a contagious disease. This happens even when I am sure that other members of the team disrespect their 'friends' behind their backs. It all seems to be normal NT behaviour, and it is hard to find a way in without being as dishonest as they are.

look forward to your posts

Alf

Really now? Care to tell the story, I'm interested.