Help Please. Ten yr. old hates being Aspie

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First off, I am a mom to a now 30 yr. old Asperger's son. And I am a support teacher at a middle school. One of my former students from an elementary school will be coming to my program a year from now. I have kept in touch with this family-I supported this young fellow in his regular class from kindergarten to grade 3, then our elementary school closed. His family has asked if I can think of a way to help him come to grips with being autistic as he moves on to becoming a young man. He has told them that he does not need a teaching assistant in class any more and that he is not autistic anymore, and he becomes angry and pinches family members if he hears the word autism. I remember how my own son felt as he became more aware of his differences. For those young people who have Aspergers, do you have any thoughts or recommendations for me, and for his family on how we can best help him through this time?

Is he embarrassed about having a TA? Why does he need to have one? I've never had one, but I can see how it might cause unwanted attention. It might make him feel too conspicuous or self-conscious.

And as for getting mad when he hears the word: maybe they should just leave the subject alone for a while and let him come to terms with it in his own mind. (I think he's sure to think about it weather he wants to or not.) I know it really annoys me when my mom talks to me about any problems I have, even if it's just a short mention. She doesn't need to say it more than once. I'll have gotten the idea, even if I can't fix the problem right then, or fix it very easily. I'd rather she just let me deal with my own problems on my own time. It was the same when I was a kid.

Anyway, that's how it sounds like he might be feeling, in my opinion.

.... has anyone told him that having ASD is not a bad thing and explaining how.. for example... higher intelegence is a common trait.. does he have any extraornernary talents.. if so explain that it's linked to his ASD.

I think he's going through the 5 stages of acceptance. It's difficult and sometimes people take a step backwards from time to time, but all you can do is give him loads of reassurance and support and he will gradually accept that he is different. Help him to understand that normalcy is a lie, everyone is developmentally different at some level and that thousands of people have an asd and live with it very well.

You could also sprinkle over some stuff about how his autistic traits may be desired by people he considers to be normal. Something like that.

Good luck.

My instinct says to give him his space with it. Even if you had some awesome therapy to offer him, it would be useless unless he was interested in receiving it. I can't judge the severity of autism on this child based on your post, but if it's mild, maybe he really doesn't need any assistance beyond the social stuff. You can still offer therapy and assistance on the social behavior without linking it to autism. If it were me, I'd be like..."I'm different enough on my own. You people don't have to make it worse." That might be what is happening. He's getting to that age where stuff like the label of autism enough is going to impair his ability to make friends just as much, if not more so, than just being different. If you are in his future in the school system, the best thing you can do is tell the parents to let him have time to accept his autism and respect his wishes about not using the term and not to push it on him; meanwhile, at work, make sure nobody is pre-labeling him.

Also, I tell everyone this...Don't shelter the autistic kid. That's the worse thing you can do. The best therapy he can get is already out there for free, and it's called living. My sister talks to her 9 year old AS son like he's a baby still. He's only allowed Rated G and some PG movies. You can see this in the way he talks and behaves, and other kids make fun of him for it. I personally think it's cute and makes him all the more pathetic, but he just wants to make friends and has no idea that this interferes with it. Naive doesn't make you friends. It just makes you a sucker more often than not. Many parents for whatever reason think their autistic kid has to be naive and keeps them there until they are old enough to rebel. I know it's hard as a parent to watch your kid grow up, but if you don't let them grow, then how will they be able to take care of themselves in the parent's absence?

In addition to all the good suggestions from the other posters, I would say that it is very important to pay attention to how the term "autism" is used in this boy's life. Some families blame all "negative" behavior on autism. I've seen parents (particularly parents who have no NT kids), consider every typical, but challenging behavior that their child exhibits, a "symptom" of autism. If this is happening, then "autism" becomes synonymous with "bad."

Hey, there's a kid in my school who's sort of like that. Except for the age restrictions on stuff, so he's ended up in the weird situation of acting and speaking like a baby adult/adult baby/whatever. It's hard to verbalise it in english. He acts like a baby, but does all the common stuff people his age do (i.e. brag about sexual conquests, girlfriends e.g. and watching 18s, considering everything a euphenism...) It's strange. The worst thing is that some of the staff try to perpetuate the situation.

It's a sign that he's asserting his independance, and wanting to prove himself. He's associated the word "autism"" with "stupid", and "bad" so he wants to distance himself from those words as well.

It's probably time to wean him off the special ed services. He's probably noticed that the other children keep their distance from him, and talk down to him. It's pretty common for children with TA's to be shunned by their peers (especially when the TA isn't around). If he wants a fresh start in middle school, then he doesn't want the baggage following him around. If he can meet some new kids who didn't know about the special ed in elementary school, then he might have a chance at actually making some friends.

It may not be a very kind thing to say, but your profession kind of is social suicide to a child who is already different enough. No one that I've ever known who had a TA ever had any friends in the time period that they had the TA.

What's sad is a lot of children with behavior problems end up in special ed for the behavior alone, and then other kids associate it all to learning disabilities (in the sense of incapable of learn...I know bad behavior temporarily disables one person's ability to learn due to the behavior, but you know what I mean). Either way, it's not really fair to the kid, and I don't understand why people think it's a solution for those on the spectrum. I understand severe autism needing special education; however, I'm amazed at how many mild forms of autism end up in special education (also add ADHD to that group as well). Like the whole point of Aspergers is the social deficits, so let's isolate the kids with social deficits because it will help them how? I can't help to think funding has an influence, at least in the states. What's worse, concerned parents can almost be equivelent to gullible parents (not always, but often), and I feel like many are taken advantage of for one reason or another (not just by the schools, but also by the medical community including psychiatry).

Edit to add.. my daughter is 2, and we are seeing the possibility of her being on the spectrum (she's diagnosed on paper, but the psychologist would like to re-review it in a few months). Either way, we are in the birth to three program to help her with her speech, and because she's almost 3, we are talking with the special education office in our county to get her into speech classes with the school when she's too old for the birth to 3 program. It's funny because they ask all these questions, and I finally just said, "It doesn't really matter if she's Aspergers/PDD NOS or whether she's "autistic or autism disorder" because I only intend on using your services to help her speech and it's obvious she has a speech delay. I'm sorry, but the worse thing I could do for any kid is label them in special education, so I won't do it unless it's a life or death situation."

I don't mean to knock the program because it's absolutely necessary. But it also is social suicide, so not ideal for those with social deficits. After living life of being Aspie, I've learned that intelligence, money, and even good looks won't get you anywhere if nobody really likes you or worse than that sometimes, sees you as very different. So I think the program is better fit for those with extreme cases of anything, but if they can fly in the mainstream, well don't clip the wings.

try getting him a big brother that also has aspergers and just let them do things

Just stop saying the word around him and to his face.

Thank you everyone. You have given me much food for thought. I appreciate your responses.

I say good to the kid by doing what he's doing i shows he is pretty mild and he obviously has a lotta guts to do what he's doing being Visually impaired, and dyslexic/dyspharaxic I had a TA come in once a week but to help develope skills like touch typing and sometimes she sat in in class LUCKILY thank god I never god chastised because I was obviously blind well close to it back then I could only read like an inch from my eyes so people knew

But this poor kid obviously does not have that perk and people even though kids at that age are quite innocent they can be freaking mean believe me some kids to me who were obviously stupid were like oh why do you get help what makes you special? and this kid probably is starting to have questions raised and even alienation raised by his peers, he obviously is a rebel with a cause and I know mild aspies who eventually talk freely they just got to sit next to the person long enough then they'll talk.I don't think he wants the words you're AUTISTIC rammed down his throat, he knows he is autstic but he wants to be normal now if he can get a few friends and still pass he is certainly more than capable to say no I don't need assistance and he just wants to fit in as much as possable know I was offered to go to the special class in school an I said no even though I did not talk much I wanted to prove myself and I am sure he wants that and only that

I think what he wants is for you to keep your distance because those with aides are shunned by their peers.I have seen it myself.I know of one possible aspie in my old high school who went to the special ed room.She was in grade 11 and I was in grade 10 when this one year, we were in a drama class.When the aide wasn't around, the other students there were very mean to her.Many referred to the special ed room in a very derogatory way and called it the "ret*d room". I was lucky that I was mainstreamed in grade 4 and didn't have any aides and didn't go to special ed at all.I made a few friends for short intervals and although I was bullied, I was lucky that it wasn't as bad as that other girl.

This kid wants to assert his independance.When I was 16 my parents kept saying I should go see a psych over my AS, but I was stubborn and didn't do it...I wanted to do things on my own and was successful as such.I got angry when they mentioned my AS, because I already knew I had it and didn't want to be reminded.I have NEVER told any employer I have it either because they tend to not hire aspies.The whole equal opportunity employer thing is just lip service to keep the litigants away.I think and suspect my parents did tell my high school, but luckily, i think the school made sure that I wasn't isolated and kept their distance.

I was diagnosed at 11, though I was homeschooled for all but two of my educational years. I personally thought it was interesting at the time, but really didn't care, I just did what my mom told me too. Later in my teen years, I started to hate having Aspergers. You really need to be the judge of it. Can he function without a TA, or does he fall behind, get distracted, cause problems in class without one? If he doesn't function well without one, then obviously his wants will be surcumceeded by his needs in the class room. If this is not the case, allow him to have what he wants and at least give it a chance. Yes, don't shelter your child, that will only hurt them. From my experience and my limited life experience, teenagers (not young kids), need to know drug slang and sexual slang and the idea of these things. Not to encourage the behavior, but so they won't get made fun of or talked into doing these things just from lack of experience. I hope I helped, and good luck.

If there is going to be a teaching assistant, it is best for the assistant to appear to be an assistant in the classroom, rather than an assistant for the individual student. By assisting whatever students need a bit of help, and keeping an extra eye on the one or two who need it, the ones who need it get what they need without being singled out. The rest of the class also benefits by having an extra set of hands in the room. This set up also makes it much easier for the teaching assistant to provide social facilitation by modeling appropriate interaction for other students in the class, when the assistant already has an ongoing relationship with them.