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Hershel_Numanox
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18 Aug 2009, 6:07 am

Has anyone ever overcome freezing up when talking to someone you really like? I'm really struggling with this at the moment. There is a girl that I see through work everyday. I deliver to her work so I have plenty of oppertunities to speak to her. She seems as much inerested in me as I am in her as far as I can tell. But when it comes to talking to her beyond the usual plesentries such as: Hi, how are you today. I freeze up. Usually I say something like ok then I'll see you tomorrow and leave which leaves us both dissapointed because I can tell she would like to expand upon the conversation. I did manage to have a conversation of sorts with her last week but ended up getting so nervous my hands were shaking. It would'nt be so bad if she had no interest in me. So it hurts all the more when I can't open up to her. It takes me so long to get to know someone that they usualy think I'm not interested and loose interest themselves.

I'd really appreciate any advice, comments, etc.

Thanks.



TB
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18 Aug 2009, 6:16 am

no advice but i can say i am exactly the same.



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18 Aug 2009, 10:36 am

In my youth I thought a girl really liked me but because we were "friends" in the same youth group I didn't "hit on her".

That is the biggest regret of my life.

I think she really did like me and if I hadn't been such an idiot then she would have probably become my girlfriend and then my wife.

Don't make the same mistake.



ToadOfSteel
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18 Aug 2009, 1:07 pm

I don't freeze up, but I end up keeping any prospective woman at arms distance so that I don't become overwhelmed, and it's only after I get to know her (and how she reacts in certain situations) that I lower my own defenses...



deadeyexx
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18 Aug 2009, 1:34 pm

I think the only way to stop freezing up is to stop caring so much about what someone thinks about you. Holding back like that often comes from the fear of saying something stupid that lowers opinions of you. If she doesn't like you when you're being totally free & open, then it's never meant to be. Holding back around her to preserve her good opinion is just self-delusion.

Take the leap & stop caring.



ToadOfSteel
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18 Aug 2009, 1:40 pm

Oh I can be open around women, fairly easily... it just takes some time for me to start trusting said women, and then I'm in the friend zone anyway...



Hershel_Numanox
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18 Aug 2009, 2:03 pm

Deadeye I think you are right. I do seem to add too much value to someone I like. The thing is I do care and have no idea how to stop caring. I can talk to pretty much anyone nowadays after years of practising but when it comes to someone I like the same thing happens. When I freeze up it's seems like an automatic reaction, not a conscious one. I'm not even at the stage where I want to make a move, I would simply like to get to know her on a more personal level.



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18 Aug 2009, 2:44 pm

yeah I freeze up to, or start chattering my usual nervous nonsense. I really don't know what's worse :oops:


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MDD123
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18 Aug 2009, 2:44 pm

Hershel_Numanox wrote:
Deadeye I think you are right. I do seem to add too much value to someone I like. The thing is I do care and have no idea how to stop caring. I can talk to pretty much anyone nowadays after years of practising but when it comes to someone I like the same thing happens. When I freeze up it's seems like an automatic reaction, not a conscious one. I'm not even at the stage where I want to make a move, I would simply like to get to know her on a more personal level.


Ihave t same problem, and I'm not just going with the flow here, I'd honestly rather get to know someone before any level of physical intimacy happens. I've already slept around and it isn't fulfilling in any way. My luck is that someone has feelings for me and I don't even see it. I mean this is like alice in wonderland or quantum dynamics, even looking for signs seems to change the outcome.

My solution is looking at every female oriented magazine and looking at what they look for. This is easy enough, the hard part is getting the career (being a professional is on a lot of lists), then it's working out, and having some level of social awareness.

As for the freezing up. I used to have this job where I'd take vitals on young men/women. I remember freezing and unfreezing because of all stress I had from the attention. I was on celexa for awhile, but that made me lethargic. What helped me out was hitting up a mail-order-bride website, when I figured I had that part taken care of, I just acted normal, I acted so normal that I was doing pretty well with everyone. Now, I just try to smoke so much weed that I don't even care to begin with, I think the bottom line of social interaction is just not caring. Appreciation is a plus though.



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18 Aug 2009, 3:24 pm

Hershel_Numanox wrote:
I'm not even at the stage where I want to make a move, I would simply like to get to know her on a more personal level.


That's a tough one. Increasing sexual tension is likely the easiest & most effective way to keep a woman interested. Without that, it's vital that you share a specific interest you can both talk lengths about, which isn't always easy to find. Otherwise, the interaction drys up real fast.

You'll have to make a move sometime, but of course do it when you're ready. Just make sure the reason you don't want to yet isn't an offshoot of the "freezing up" problem where you think you'll look stupid by trying. I've blown several good opportunities by being too "asexual"; thinking I was doing something right.



Hershel_Numanox
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19 Aug 2009, 11:43 am

deadeyexx wrote:
Increasing sexual tension is likely the easiest & most effective way to keep a woman interested.


I would'nt even know where to begin. I need at least some level of connection before I can get to that stage which is where the freezing up comes in. It's pathetic I know.



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19 Aug 2009, 11:07 pm

Pathetic, maybe, but you're in good company. :wink: I am that way, too. I'm fine flirting and bantering until it actually means something to me. Then suddenly I'm super-conscientious of every move and my mind switches to white noise, and I'm afraid the other person isn't going to like the real me. And they don't, because the 'real' me is the frozen boring person that I present to them. doh I don't know of any way around it, either, but I'm working on pushing through it. This may sound kind of dorky, but I have found that if there are things that I really want to talk about with the other person, I have pretend conversations with them. (perhaps I shouldn't have admitted that out loud?? :duh: ) Usually, I can find a way to start at least one of the topics I wanted to say, and if you can ad-lib just a tiny bit, if you already have most of the convo outlined, it can make you feel really good when things start flowing. I found that when I'm at ease (because I got to direct the convo) I can relax and keep things going better. Just be sure to run it around your head enough times so that when you do talk to her, it doesn't sound like you are reciting lines for the school play. :D

Even if you have to do this several times, eventually you can build a rapport with someone and it ceases being necessary to rehearse. Even better if you find you share a common interest/interests. :wink:

I hope that made some sense?? I'm less eloquent than usual tonight. :roll:


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19 Aug 2009, 11:23 pm

deadeyexx wrote:
I think the only way to stop freezing up is to stop caring so much about what someone thinks about you. Holding back like that often comes from the fear of saying something stupid that lowers opinions of you. If she doesn't like you when you're being totally free & open, then it's never meant to be. Holding back around her to preserve her good opinion is just self-delusion.

Take the leap & stop caring.


Exactly. 8) It's not an easy thing to do, and I don't know how to explain to do it. All i can say is that if you meet the right person things will automatically click. I could be wrong though, maybe it just happens when you're ready? There are very few women I have met that I could speak freely around, and something about them let me do so. Hmm....a mystery? :scratch:

I was also going to mention that self-confidence can play a part in it, but that's variable also. It's hard to be self confident before you start chatting and get to that level of relaxation where you feel comfortable enough to open up and be free.

That wasn't much help, was it? :lol:


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20 Aug 2009, 1:27 am

jawbrodt wrote:
Exactly. 8) It's not an easy thing to do, and I don't know how to explain to do it. All i can say is that if you meet the right person things will automatically click. I could be wrong though, maybe it just happens when you're ready? There are very few women I have met that I could speak freely around, and something about them let me do so. Hmm....a mystery? :scratch:

I was also going to mention that self-confidence can play a part in it, but that's variable also. It's hard to be self confident before you start chatting and get to that level of relaxation where you feel comfortable enough to open up and be free.

That wasn't much help, was it? :lol:


It's kind of hard to get a foot in the door for any social context, it's hard to know when you're even welcome to participate. I do some volunteer work when I feel like a shut-in everywhere else; and it's the same reason why the guy from fight club went to all those support groups, because there was something bothering him and he just needed an outlet. It takes some work, but the real you can come out with practice. The good thing about the real you is that you know people will either accept it or they won't, and it isn't your problem. That's a bottom line that I'm trying to get to for myself.



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20 Aug 2009, 9:20 am

Not sure of the best way to stop caring so much, but I like to tell myself that I've got nothing to lose. The good impression people have of you, based on not knowing you well enough means nothing. It's all just an illusion. Therefore, you're sacrificing absolutely nothing in letting them know you better. Any change in her impression of you is 100% gain. Obvious if she likes you, but a gain too if she doesn't as you no longer have to worry about it anymore.

Of course, this strategy is just to get you in the right mindset & calm your nerves. It won't help much with the interaction itself if you're prone to just ramble on about boring stuff (like I am). A little preperation like kitten suggested could help there. Think of some interesting questions.