Need advice on finding similar people

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Hello,

Since I'm amongst fellow Aspies here, I hope that you all can relate to my situation; " Neurotypical " people have tried to act like they can understand where I'm coming from before, and failed miserably at it.

I've been going through a 6-year-long social dry spell. Ever since freshman year of high school I've had little to no luck in the social department, since I had several bad experiences there ( to sum up exactly why, a quote from a classmate; " I like you, but my friends don't like you, so we can't hang out anymore " ). I have one best friend from junior high who I trust implicitly, and that's it. I spend way too much of my time alone, the vast majority of my friends are online-only, and even when I go to youth-oriented groups on or off campus, I never seem to get friends any closer than the acquaintance level. I really want to make friends, but because I've had so many social misfires, in comes the problem that I've become very depressed and embittered.

I'm hoping that I'm going to meet some people who understand me and appreciate me for who I am, which is someone who's very obviously an Aspie; shy, introverted, a bit withdrawn, and has thoughts and interests and a sense of humor that most people can't relate to, but is otherwise a fairly decent person. However, at the same time, I realize that most people won't, and I can't tell who will. Most people at Santa Barbara City College are neurotypical, nay, stereotypical. They seem to have little concern beyond hanging out, going to parties, and indulging in things like drugs, drinking, and casual sex. They have huge social circles and act really overbearing and chatty, and don't seem to have much interest in any intellectual pursuits. I realize that I'm stereotyping greatly, but that's how I see the world around me.

And I also realize that not all people are like that, so here's a question; how do I find the right kind of friends on campus? The kind who I can actually relate to on an intellectual level, the kind who don't just chatter on endlessly about their social lives, the kind who can appreciate things and people who differ from the norm? Is there any way to tell by a person's apperance and demeanor whether they're someone who'd interest a person like me, or just another face in the crowd? Or is it just blind luck, where I have to suffer several dissapointments until I find someone I actually click with?

I know you specifically wanted an Aspie to help you, but I really wanted to reply. I hope you don't mind. I'm NT, but I wanted to let you know that finding people you can become more than acquaintances with is hard for any person. Actually, maybe some people can be friends with anyone, but I know that I'm not that person. I have two friends that I trust. I have about ten friends that I know I'll lose touch with when I go to college. I know a bunch of people that I've never become close with. My point is that I'm really picky about my friends, but this way I gain friends that I really treasure. Honestly, if i go through college and only have my two friends from junior high I'll be happy.

I can't tell you how to pick out a friend from what they wear or what they look like. If anyone on this board has that knowledege, please share it. The person who ditched you because of his/her other friends was, in my opinion, not worth having as a friend. There's always some disappointments, you just can't give up.

If you want another online friend I'm always happy to talk.

hello, Just look for the other kid whos sitting on his or her own and talk to them for a bit or if there is none then look for a kid who looks like they maybe interested in what you have to say. and screw all the other pretend they dont exsist because your proberally a loner but unless you have your mind in the right place.

Hi, I see it as , birds of a feather flock together... There may be 10-15 other people in a social event for school, and I may only find 1 other mom who I feel comfortable enough to talk with. One of the dearest people I have met is one I met 2 yrs. ago. and we click like true friends...We both have autistic children, NT children, and share asperger traits..it is quite refreshing. You do not need to make yourself known to others, you will feel drawn to those who are like yourself. Keep a confidence about you, be proud of who you are...I always felt that a good single friend was more valuable than a group of friends..cherish you being you, with all of your talents and interests.. Take care .Peace.....

Thanks for the advice, everyone. And don't worry, any advice, Aspie or not, is worth having as long as the person knows the emotional place I'm talking about.

One thing I'm found out is, mostly due to some emotional " scars " I have from some bad past experiences ( one of which I've already mentioned ), I am almost completely incapable of introducing myself to people. Today I was able to talk to people in a class discussion, but outside of class, I see people I know and I just look at them from a distance, unable to say anything. Even people who consider me a friend, I can't talk to openly, and if they come up to me I just say hi and answer their questions about " what's up " and the like, and ask how they're doing, but can't continue the conversation past that. Amongst people who I'd like to spend more time with, it feels like there's some chance to ask them to hang out sometime that I just miss, because I never know when the opportunity arises.

The thing is, I have acquaintances, people who say hi to me when they see me, but I don't want just that. I want real friends, the kind of people I can relate to on a more than superficial level, people who actually care about my existence, and who I care about back. But I can never make those because I can't get past the first steps of a casual conversation, which is because I can't know who people really are and always assume the worst of what they'll think of me.

I know the conventional wisdom is to " Just Do It ", to force myself into conversations, but I always wonder...how? How do I get past the constant anxiety of new social situations with people I don't know or only vaguely know, and once I'm in social situations, how do I keep that anxiety in check so I don't just withdraw completely? I know that it's hard to tell from first glance who you can count on and who you can't, but I'd at least like to put myself in more social situations so I don't feel constantly isolated.

HI, It is always difficult for me as well, I am amazed at those who just walk up to someone and start yapping with them..How do they know what to say? How? Do they practice in their minds, or just rattle anything off of their head? I have found that to emulate another is one way to begin. There was a newscaster who spoke so fluently, I tried to speak how she did. Use your eyes to emphasize certain words.. To speak with others is like walking to the gallows, I do dread it.But I also want to connect with others.. We all understand this.....p.s. I tried so hard to speak properly that a woman asked if I was from England... NO, Ohio. Be yourself, but speak with a confidence that a young fellow your age has within him...It is there.....Peace...

Overcoming anxiety is easiest, I find, by just shutting down your thinking entirely and jumping in. It's never as bad as it seems it will be, never as uncomfortable as you think. Thinking is baaaad.

Hey, it's interesting that I found this thread. I used to be in one of your youth-oriented groups some odd years ago. I was the shy red head who played piano and stuff. Don't know if you remember me, but, yeah.
If you wanna talk, I've got AIM.

Common ev'ry body *head bobbing*, we're gonna head to a dark room and stim together! If anybody thinks they are in the wrong migration, say so now. ... Ack! Itch! *starts preening*

Sorry... Couldn't resist the visual.