AS dating article

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I'm a member of this site and will be pitching an article about the unique difficulties that people with AS face in the dating world. I would love comments from the other members. I will protect privacy as much as you wish(being an online forum, I don't really know who any of you are anyway), but would like your input. Write your responses under this topic. I'll let you know if the article ever gets off the ground.

I'll contribute more tomorrow, but first off, is this for a major magazine/newspaper? I'd be happy to contribute regardless. All I'll say for now is the following. If you wish to quote me, please identify me only as a 20-year-old male from Canada, who has a mild form of AS, diagnosed shortly before my 17th birthday.

Having Asperger's is a lifetime curse on one's love life. No matter how high functioning someone with the condition is, or how positive they try to be, they are constantly judged in a negative light by members of the opposite sex who cannot see anything except the symptoms of the condition, thereby making them very bitter and depressed.

I wish I could contribute; but, since I've had no success in this, I have no ideas that might work.

Is this for redicule or not? Most men with AS are almost paranoidly scared of women.

Life sucks. Get a helmet.

I'm a 20 year old female with confirmed ADHD who either has AS or AS tendencies in conjunction with ADHD. I date other females. My dating life has been nearly nonexistent. I have enough problems just being out and about; others do talk behind my back about how I 'stare at people funny' and things of that nature. I can fake NT for a bit, but the more people talk to me, the more apparent my oddness is.

I'm sort of dating a girl who knows all of this about me and is accepting, even if she doesn't understand it. She's mostly my polar opposite (more extroverted, more intuitive of emotional things, more sensitive, has more interest in people, and generally charming) so we've had to work very hard to make it so that our differences aren't a powderkeg in the middle of a bunch of welders instead of complementary. It's been worth it, but it requires a lot of communication on both sides. She is fairly intuitive when it comes to picking up on my feelings (well, for the most part) and my unique body language, but I make it a point to tell her things directly. I can become somewhat attuned to individual body language if I work at it enough and systemize it (i.e., if her eyebrows do x, that means y, if her mouth does this, it means that, if her face does a, it means b, if her voice is suddenly quieter, she's hiding something, if she's being cagey about something, i can say that it doesn't matter and drop the subject and she'll tell me...), but she's learned to tell me directly what's going on. I've also made it clear that I'm either unaware of mind games or choose not to participate, so not to bother with them, just as she's told me that I have to control my impulses when it comes to making wisecracks about her former gf.

Well, I wouldn't go as far as saying "paranoidly scared". For me, it's more like "extremely cautious around women of certain types", which includes pretty much any women that NT men go crazy for. The more attractive a woman is, the more suspicious I get about her motives. Also, I absolutely can't stand that "keep away unless you're really hot" look on their faces. Not that I'm jealous of the men those women go for; it's the "keep away" factor that really bother me.

I recommend writing an article that teaches aspie men how to deal with the obnoxious attitudes I described. If you must quote me, use "an man from the U.S., with relatively mild Asperger's". Thanks.

Or simply learn them to stay far, far away from women, or for that matter, people in general.

I wouldn't say I'm paranoid or scared of women. Anxious around them yes, but I'm anxious around anybody I don't know. I think my difficulties with dating fall into two categoreis:

1. Actually meeting women

I'm not a very outgoing person; I don't handle new situations or strange people well. And even if someone DOES drag me out somewhere I am totally oblivious to whether or not a woman is flitering until well after the fact, when I've had time to analyze the situation and compare it known patterns. I simply can't do it on the fly. I'm not wired for it. It requires actual brain power to decode and when I'm actually talking to someone I'm usually too busy running my "normal person emulation" to do much else.

My ex-gf and I met on AIM through a common friend in summer 2001 and were together about six months before it fell apart. I haven't met anyone since then.

2. Keeping them interested

The last "real" date I went on was very awkward and I totally weirded the girl out. I can't do small talk well; I tend to drift towards technical or "deep" subjects like science, philosophy, politics, etc. And of course if I get going on something I will ramble on and on. Those of you who were in the chat room a few weekends ago when I gave my impromptu lecture on superstring theory know what I mean.

WTF? Women are awesome.

20 year old male, from central US, dx aspie.

In a relationship with a 24 year old female, though she isn't local (we met online through an autism support site) she is dx hfa iirc, and I must say, it is great to even just talk to her we think so alike. I have dated about a half local girls in the past (all NT) but none of them ever really just "clicked" with me, couldn't think like they do, sure I understood them, but never was able to understand the motives for their actions or predict them. One almost worked out, but it ended abruptly and by neither of our choices (she had to move out of country and back to the middle east where she was from, long story)

To be honest I think the main problem I had with most of the local girls was being able to think of things todo when I was with them, like going to a movie, etc. things that they would enjoy, since I thought so differently then them. Not so now that I am iin a relationship with someone else on the spectrum. We have yet to meet in person, but we are always finishing eachother's sentances, thinking about the same or similar things, etc.

The relationship that almost worked out was with a girl who, while not being very controlling, had VERY clear ideas of what she wanted to do, I'd go over to her house, and she'd ask how I would feel about going downtown and walking around the shops,etc. If I didn't like an idea she had another, but because of that, we almsot always found something fun to do together. She had some mental instability issues, but not too bad, and I could predict her, I had a very good idea how she would react to things. The more time I spend around other people analyzing them, the more I find I understand and can get along well with those with conditions such as bipolar, simply because they, depsite apperances to the contrary, are MUCH more predictable and to a degree logical, though in many cases it's their own version of logic which differes from what I see as logical, I can at least learn how it works. NTs have what amounts to a huge random factor in their behavior, male or female, and those with any sort of abnormalitiy always have that influencing their behavior, makes a stable point of reference for all their actions. Were I not in the relationship I am in now with the 24/f girl I meet online, I would probably be looking for someone local either on the spectrum or with some discernable "anchor" in their life that I could use as a point of reference for all their actions, since it would allow me to understand them and relate to them.

Salomedesade, you may quote my topic "Had a chance to get a girfriend online, but I blew it". It shows how the bullying many Aspies go through when growing up often makes it totally impossible for many of us to trust and believe people.

I've been in a few relationships, and all but one were initiated by the other person. I'm told that I look pretty good (I really don't see it when I look in the mirror, but guess I can't complain) and that I impress people as being rather kind and approachable. Usually the other person comes up with ideas of where to go and what to do, and I'm just along for the ride. Eventually one of two things happens: (1) They get tired of taking the lead and insist that I start making plans and taking the initiative. They get a quick lesson on autism as I generally want to do the same things over and over again. They get bored or frustrated, particularly when I would rather be alone. (2) I have a shallow appreciation for other people and stop accepting their invitations. I'm not shallow in the "you're not pretty enough" sense, but in the "I don't relate to people very well" sense. If a relationship is not working or isn't interesting then I'm more likely to walk away than to try and improve it.

Nothing kills a relationship faster than when a person asks "did you miss me?" NTs seem to get a strong sense of value from how their partner reacts when reconnecting after a brief (or prolonged) absense. Simply put, I don't miss people. Ever. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate their company, but simply that I don't get excited at the prospect of being with them or regret having to be apart. I think it's because my memory of the relationship doesn't fade over time and doesn't need to be renewed. I could go away for a few weeks, and when I come back it feels for me as though I'd never left. Although this drives NTs crazy it seems to have the opposite effect on other Aspies. I have one Aspie friend who I only see once every few years. Whenever we get together the relationship feels just as intimate (in the platonic sense) as if we'd never been apart. We both appreciate the fact that we don't have to go through the whole "getting to know you" routine again every time.

I was in one long-term relationship. Although affection and attraction brought us together, a good part of what kept us together was convenience and the comfort of mutual-aid. As you get older you start to appreciate having someone around to take care of you when you're sick, to come rescue you when you lock your keys in the car, etc. It's more like a "best friends with benefits" kind of thing, though, rather than a traditional relationship. If I could form that kind of relationship with another Aspie then it would probably last a long time. NTs want more than that.

Jetson, your posting could easily have been written by my SO who looks puzzles when I tell him that I've missed him like crazy and never initiates anything (not now that he's got my attention anyway). Thanks for being so honest.

The girl I'm dating has openly expressed before that she wants me to initiate things more often, so I've been trying to work on that more. She's also said that she wants me to be more aggressive in sexual play, but despite my trying, it's just not happening. I only do what I'm comfortable with.

Surprisingly enough, I do miss her in terms of spending time with her and getting constant pleasant physical contact and then having that end suddenly. But I think that's an issue of adjustment to one thing and then having to adjust to another, more than anything.

It's been hard for me to get her to understand that I can have very satisfying sexual contact without having the one thing NTs seem to give a lot of priority to. I think she's starting to get it now, or at least not take it personally.

Sorry to pry sin_nombre, but this is really intriguing me. Do you mean 'going the whole way' (I'm trying to avoid the censor) when you refer to "the one thing NTs seem to give a lot of priority to" - as opposed to 'oral' or just general 'play'? If so, my aspie SO seems to feel the same though he's never given any explanation - and I have been taking it personally!