dwelling on conflicts

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When I have a conflict with someone (dear) I cannot get forget it. I dwell on it for days or weeks. Is that OK and NT ish or Aspie ish?? I mull on it can't get it behind me.

Some things similiar, like when I have an artshow and 100 people will write how wonderful my work is and one will leave a message saying it was s**t, it is the latter that I keep obsessing on, sigh.

yup.. I do that.

Oh yeah definately do both of those. I take critisism much more seriously than praise, which I tend to blow off.

And if I have had a confrontation or even heard an indication that someone was upset with me or know myself that I made a mistake even though maybe no one else got mad, I obsess about it for days, even weeks, and it makes me feel rediculously terrible. Some of these events can bring on sharp feelings of regret and remose when recalled even years later

I take any kind of 'wrong' behavior on my part (and if there was a confrontation, I did something wrong) extremely hard and it greatly impacts my feelings of self-worth. When I'm involved in anything like the above-mentioned situations, I feel like a completely useless lothesome creature who shouldn't exist.

Yeah, I know. I'm way too hard on myself. Knowing that doesn't stop me from doing it, though.

Definitely Aspie-ish... though I've certainly known some NTs who would whip up quite a storm and go on and on and on over some little insult... they're also known as Drama Queens. I think Aspies tend to be quiet about it (mostly) and just die a little death every day all by themselves.

It's called perseveration and it's part of our wiring. I understand some medications can reduce it if it's really interferring with life; I find meditation has helped, but it's taken quite a while.

I try not to let things bother me and I move on trying to not let it upset me. I was upset I offended my aunt but I got over it. So I made a mistake so I wrote a letter and apologize and I haven't heard from her.

I have this problem a lot. Even if someone that I don't know says something rude to me I seem to get worked up about it. Especially, when it was a direct result of different communication styles, and I never felt that I had the chance to stand up for myself, or explain myself. I'm mulling over something that happened last night on facebook as we speak.

The second example that you gave is something that I'm working hard on changing about myself. People will say that I'm being negative, and pessimistic when I only focus on the one bad thing that someone had to say, but never the good. I think they're right. It's just that I take criticism very personally. However, if the person said something rude about/to me that I know isn't true, or that I think they said out of spite I don't seem to perseverate over it the same. I can usually let it go.

I do that. I can't forget many conflicts.

I think part of it is not being liked. If someone is good with people and generally well-liked, then criticism doesn't mean as much, 'cause they feel alright about themselves, and most people they know think they're okay. But if you have general trouble understanding and getting along with other people, it's hard to take praise seriously, and easy to get lost in anything negative other people say about you.

Yep exactly while I had fun on my summer vacation to NY I can't let go of my sister's family friend (after I jokingly went to pick up the table she wanted her boyfriend to move) she said NO! (very stern to me in ALL MY YEARS of knowing her she had NEVER treated me like that and it still hurts.) Also on the sub back to Boston my sister&friend said I didn't want to do what they wanted to do. (So yes I tend to hold onto things like that) I still can't get over my college suspension which will be 5 years Feb!! !! !

I've been down that road before.

I do this, although I'm very slowly getting more resistant to it.

Thanks! I didn't know what I was doing had a name LOL!

Additionally, part of what makes praise meaningless to me is the general "polite" nature of the culture. You never know if someone really means the good things they say about you or if they're just being "nice."

If my boss gives me a good review, I feel great. I don't really think she'd say those specific things about the good job that I do (and at the same time suggest things I can still work on) if she didn't mean it. If someone tells me I 'look nice today' I blow it off. It's a stock compliment that everyone gives everyone.

If you dwell on arguments, it's probably more to do with your basic personality than anything to do with AS.

I still do it, though not as much as I did 10 or 20 years ago. Now, it mostly happens when the conflict requires not only resolution but a decision regarding future plans. Then I mull, analyze, ruminate, and evaluate for weeks or months.

Not sure if it's an AS trait per se, or a result of other AS traits combining with circumstances. Also, I've known several non-Aspies who did this.

Yes it happens to me all the time.....I take criticism very seriously and find it very difficult to resolve. It used to be enough for me to just rationalise things to make it look as if I was 100% correct and they were 100% wrong, but eventually I began to feel that I was just papering over the cracks by doing that. It's hard to grow when you just dismiss all criticism. But it's no answer to cave in and try to be all things to all people either. Really it's a good thing when somebody points out a problem, as long as it's a genuine comment and not just scurrilous, because it offers the chance of improvement, but it's not easy to work out what changes to make.

I think it gets a little easier with age though. More recently I've been able to just let some stuff wash over me without letting it bother me so much.