Challenging the idea of conventional relationships

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As I've posted previously, I'm recently separated after being with my husband for the past 10 years, and knowing him for 20 years. Throughout this process I've had to do a lot of thinking about what works for me and what doesn't.

One of the things I realized is that my success rate for conventional relationships pretty much sucks. Every relationship that I was in that involved either living with someone or seeing them daily and having them in my living space constantly has resulted in me ending the relationship. But I've had 2 long distance relationships, both of which were incredible experiences for me. And both times it was the guy who broke it off instead of me.

I was talking about this with my ex (also an Aspie) and we both say that non-conventional relationships are where it's at for us. I prefer a long distance relationship where I can go and see him, he can come and see me, but neither of us have to give up our personal space long term. There is a chance this could change for me at some point in my life if I found the right person who really gets my quirks but for right now, distance works. I like having someone to do something with, including the intimate side of a relationship, but I don't want to have to do his laundry every day, figure out the bills etc. He has his freedom and I have mine.

I'm just curious if there are others who would find this situation no ideal. Not with me (I'm not looking), just in general.

I cant say anything for unconventional relationships other than my past experiences have been boringly typical, and ended. So I think you are on to something.

There are also a couple really good friends I have that I met in unconventional ways too. Not your typical coworker/neighbor/school pal friends. People I havnt known for that long at all, but where as in the past i've passed off every friendship knowing that i'd probably not have anything to do with them in a year or two, I now actively think 'man, that would suck if i ever lost contact with them'
A friend i just really chat with online, and another person I knew from years ago and I just randomly ran into recently and we really just hang out every so often at the book store chatting it up about stupid s**t.


So ya, I think the typical relationship can be too uncomfortable at times.

I hear you on conventional relationships. Lord knows I've tried. The one long distance relationship was fine until she wanted to get married and I didn't. So I can't really say.

At this point in time, I have pretty much given up on relationships. Each one has taken a chunk of my soul and I just don't have anything left.

This post and comments make me feel a little less like an alien for being so relationship averse. I have a desire for connection like anyone else but the idea of losing my alone time is too much. I don't feel that way about my son but that's a different kind of relationship.

Aimless - I have 2 kids, so I know what you mean. I love having my kids around me. It's what grounds me and I know I'm an excellent mother (my oldest is an Aspie and my youngest NT).

CJ - But I think you do know. You had a good long distance relationship that worked for you until she wanted to get married and suddenly your world and her world collide on a daily basis. Maybe you just haven't found the person supports that idea? I think one does need to take time out to let themselves heal. I've been doing the same.

I think there are Aspies who can pull off a marriage and do it well. But I also think there are those of us who think they should be able to pull it off and then beat ourselves up when we can't. Because the majority of society believes in conventional relationships, one can be led to believe that it's a good thing and we should want it too. But I honestly believe it's not for everyone and that's okay.

I think people should be allowed their own space to do whatever the hell they want and not have to give up the life they love and also have a companion who supports that.

Willa - I've developed some incredible online relationships that mean more to me than my real life ones. I know where you're coming from.

Most of my relationships have failed because they don't understand i need time alone... a lot.

Then why not seek out a relationship that supports the need you have for a lot of time alone?

I really think that for people who cannot be happy in a conventional relationship, they need to feel that it's okay to ask for more. To find someone who feels the same as them.

There are people out there who believe the same. Just takes some hunting to track them down.

Perhaps you can have a distance relationship (but have the distance manageable).

There is nothing wrong with having a long term, monogamous relationship and not living together. Heck, you could even have apartments in the same building (even next door) so that you can maintain your own living space and then meet up at mutually convenient times at each others apartment.

I have a co-worker who is divorced and has grown children. She is neuro-typical. She is in a relationship with a man and advises that she has no intention of getting married or living with him. She likes her independence and her own space. They both live in the downtown area of a large city (so they are geographically in walking distance of each other) and this arrangement suits them just fine.

If you think that this type of arrangement would work best for you - then go for it. It certainly works well enough for others.

Just my two bobs worth,

What ever floats your boat. As long as it's fair for all involved I say 'Just do it'.

Cheers

heh, I'm at the point where I wish I could just turn into a cat and be someone's pet. That seems like a lot less hassle.

What is a conventional relationship?

I love watching TV. Both the TV shows and the commercials show a dad, mom and a couple of kids. They live in a 3 bedroom house. They are happy and fulfilled, everyone knows exactly what role they play. The mom has a job, raises the kids, keeps the house clean, does the laundry and all the cooking. The dad has a job, sits in an easy chair and is a bit of a dolt. When a kid is sick mom jumps out of bed while dad sleeps peacefully. Mom chooses all the cleaning products. Dad goes to the hardware store occasionally and watches football.

Who are these people?

Because when I look up and down my street I see a mishmash of people in houses. Lots of 2 earner yuppies with no kids. Some aren't married. There are groups of single people in houses. There are lots of single people in houses by themselves. The only married couple with kids are interesting because the father has been beating the mother for 10 years, she looks spiffy with those bruises, wouldn't want to be them.

I think the actual joke is on people that are attempting to live this fantasy life of married with kids. I think this is what our governments and employers want us to be because it makes the citizens easy to control. But the fact is that 50% of women in the US at least, are single.

Fewer and fewer people are buying into "conventional". I'm not sure there ever really was a conventional.

CG,

You could be right.

At this point in time, I am not optimistic about healing. And contemplating much beyond that just isn't something I am up to.

Granted, I have made the acquaintance of some people online, and have bantered with some women, yourself included, in ways I wouldn't have the nerve to do in real life unless I knew them much, much better. But that is just a bit of harmless fun.

But, i digress.

Sounds like you are in a good place and headed in the right direction.

I wish you luck.

Distance definitely works best for me, as well.

QFT

My fiancée and I are gonna give the unconventional things our best whack. We have to kids but we live together very badly. He's not aspie, but I am. Without getting into too much detail I'll just say that we interact badly when there's stress and all the little practical details completely kill what's actually good about our relationship. So instead of just pushing through it to end up hating each other's guts a couple of years from now, we're separating to try and rescue our romantic relationship. The fact that we have two kids add to the motivation I guess. So he'll be living down the street and I'll stay here with the kids (who can go see him whenever it's convenient of course) and then we'll see each other when we want to and hopefully appreciate each other more.

Well, that's the idea anyway. I haven't stopped loving him but sometimes the sight of him when he's in one of his moods makes me wanna jump of the balcony. I guess when he's moved out he can be in a mood in his own place and come see me when he's all nice and cuddly

I don't think it's a joke for people who actually want it and do well at it. I look at my parents who have been together for 43 years. They have loved having a life together. For them it works.

But I do think there's a conventional relationship that is almost marketed to us since birth. That when you grow up, you're supposed to date, get married, possibly have kids. Sometimes I think people try to fit into that mold instead of trying something different. Something that works uniquely for them.



But I would venture to guess that a lot of those women have lived with a partner.



Although how many posts do you see in this section about people looking for that ideal? I just think sometimes people should stop and think about what would really make them happy.

I also think people's needs change as they age. Right now, I don't need to live with anyone. But maybe one day that will change. That's what I like about the power of decision. You can make up your own mind and shape your own adventure.