Asperger relationships

Post Reply New Topic

Do you really think that two people with Asperger's can have a meaningful relationship? My boyfriend and I both have Asperger's and our relationship is going very well, but I am just curious to know what other people think about this.

I think it's different strokes for different folks.

Some people are very selfish in their exectations. For aspies, I think the selfish expectations mostly come from frustrations in expressing and sharing feelings you see between most romantic/intimate relationships. There are aspies just as well as NTs willing to try and understand eachother's different point of views just as there are those who don't.

The trouble with aspies is it's not easy to process the emotions and cues all at once, so we study and observe from other people's consequences then make up our minds. I think it's this is where we get short-sided in the little details without having experienced that full emotion and empathy to begin with. But again, I think it depends on that individual aspie or not.

I have AS and so does my boyfriend. We really struggle at times as we both have difficulty expressing our needs and feelings. However we can understand some of each others differences and work on understanding the differences that it does not come natural with us to understand.

I have bad social phobia and issues with closeness and intimacy and my boyfriend has problems with self esteem and insecurity so sometimes these clash and exaserbate each other.

We are quite commited to working through problems and although we split up every week or so we always get back together to work some more on it.

I think people with AS have to be very honest with each other to work things out and very commited to working hard on the relationship from the start (rather than just when the love goes).

I think we feel a warmth and comaradary with each other that we would not get from an NT partner and want the same sort of things from life.

When I think back to past relationships, I can see that I over-compensate for my social/emotional difficulties. Each relationship would become my Special Interest & I would spend virtually every waking moment thinking about how to make the relationship better & be a better partner.

Unfortunately, it can be a double-edged sword, if both partners don't put the same amount of effort into the relationship. An imbalance of power can breed resentment. (I've been told that I'm "too nice.")

I think I've had the most difficulty when the person I was in love with was clearly NT. It's hard to know, since this was way before people thought in terms of the Autistic Spectrum. It's possible that in two of my past relationships, the girls were either on the Spectrum, or shared a lot of AS traits with me. Those relationships went better - but in both cases, I think we were both pretty clueless about how to act with each other.

I guess my point is that if both AS partners are aware of the possible relationship pitfalls & actively try to make it work - I don't see any reason why their relationship shouldn't succeed.

I think it depends entirely on the individuals involved. I married an Aspie and was with him for 10 years before we separated and we had some real issues with communication. I've dated an Aspie who brought out the best in me and we communicated in a very similar way so it was a positive experience.

I've been in relationship with two aspies. One, I was with two years before I discovered he had an ongoing drug addiction problem. So, that didn't work. Now, I'm in a new relationship with an aspie who is far more compatible for me and healthy.

The secret, I think, is to balance the needs for space with togetherness. We need space as aspies, no matter how far the relationship progresses.

AS does not automatically mean "selfish." In fact, I believe we give more easily to each other when we have the similarities offered by AS.

me and my bf both have aspeger and we have been together for 3 months. if you want it to work then it will work. just give it time. The best thing ti do is share your fears and be open.
Hope this helps

When one AS suffer tells another AS suffer "I didn't mean to hurt you", at least the recipient would actually know it's true and believe it.

I figure they'd work. Given that any role I played in the failure of previous relationships largely stemmed from autistic mismanagement, having someone on the same wavelength who could see an error as just that would probably be fairly helpful.

Going well, why question it.

I am old, fat, in poor health and never was fond of dating so pretty much out of the market. But I know from experience, I am incapable of staying long in a relationship with an NT, even as a coworker or casual friend of the same sex. If I were to date someone tody, I would try an aspie. Very simply they'd at least understood why it was hard for me to make keep friends and that would make it easier to have meaningful dialogue about what it would take for us to stick it out. That would creatie more security in the process of finding out if we were compatible as individuals because the toughtest part of the relationship started out open for discussion in the tough times.

It is going to vary by individual, because not all Aspies have it to the same extent.

I think it's possible to have a good relationship with an aspie I've been with mine for almost 4 years

Last edited by Katidid24 on 29 Sep 2009, 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think that those with Asperger's can have meaningful relationships, and in some cases, have even more meaningful relationships than those who are NT in some cases. Those with Asperger's I think (I've seen it myself) tend to well, be less cocky in relationships, and personally, I can relate. I'd never try to be cocky around a girl (at least not intentionally, sometimes I do get way too flustered). Anyways, I see too many of my friends of the opposite sex getting hurt by jerks, and I would never want to stoop down to that level.

And that's why my ex-girlfriend ditched me, because she wanted to be able to flirt with every Tom, Dick and Harry out there. My problem was that I was too much of a gentleman, and not a jerk. Even with AS, I'm not afraid of commitment, and I'm not afraid to be honest. Basically, if you're going to be my girlfriend, be prepared for me to be a total sweetheart.

It's so true though I hate the overly cocky guys they do always tend to be massive jerks. I love the overbearingly sensitive guys like my boyfriend who happens to be an aspie It's easier to share feelings with them and not have to bottle them up and pretend like oh I do love you even though I really don't ya know? plus most of those a**holes usually only use girls for one thing and i'm sure you know what that is. So yeah I totally agree with you here and every girl who thinks that a jerkey,cocky asswipe(pardon the cuss) is right for them should read your's and my post and then go out and date an aspie I bet you and everyone else that they will have the best realtionship (as long as they know how to deal with guys sharing thier feelings) ever.

Sadly, you're in the minority. In the animal kingdom, it's always the dominant male that's most sexually attractive to females. Sure, you get along with a "sensitive, nice" guy, that's the coveted friend zone. It's just like when guys say, "oh no it's not the looks I like girls for". lmao ok, insight into a guys mind: he's walking down the street, almost every girl he is sizing up as a potential mate. How does he do that without talking to her? By looks. Alright, so maybe some of it is personality, how does he make judgments on their personality? By looks, every guy has that one look that makes them excited.

Obviously there's going to be oddballs (chubby chasers and that rare girl that can envision the future instead of the present).

It's really early, so I probably left out some good arguments and most of this can probably be picked apart. Have at it, give me more opportunities to explain that all we are are animals with very little free-will.

whether people are aspie or NT they prefer people who are confident and not needy, and easy going rather than hard work.

I think aspies are probably more likely to have 'issues' such as low self esteem and insecurity due to their life experience and I think these are likely to be off putting to others and make problems for a relationship.

I think people also should keep open the option for themselves of not having a relationship as it really is a lot of hard work for very little benifit (and if your single you can devote all your time to your special interest!! !).