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Hi all,

I don't post very often on WP. I mostly just read through topics when I have a chance. I probably should post more often. I could use your help and insight.

My parents and I have been having a large fight lately. They feel guility about the fact that I have AS, and it's causing them to smother me. After I didn't call for a week, they assumed that I was either hurt or dead. They almost drove to State College (the town) without telling me because they were paranoid that something had happned. My parents and the rest of my family members often misunderstand me because they've refused to read more about AS or ask me questions about what life is like and how I think and feel differently in certain situations.

Does anybody have any advice about what I could do? I get very depressed. My family's lack of understanding about where I'm coming from makes it much worse.

I can relate.
My family is a big part of my problem. I just can't relate to them, and they don't understand me at all. When I am around them it is very stressful, and when I go for long periods without talking to them then they take it personally or something. They also have a tendency to freak out and start calling my friends looking for me when they don't know what I'm up to.
I'm sorry I can't offer any advice.
I seem to do better when I just stay away from them, but then I get the whole guilt trip.

Spacemoney, thanks for your thoughts. Your artwork looks really cool.

-Scott

Strong family support would have really been helpful at that age. Many do not have parents who are even willing to accept that there is a reason for acting "different" (AS) and say "it's all in your mind". (Which is not altogether true).

Based on this short scenario they sound concerned. While pursuing your independence I would encourage you (and others) to value that family support.

Of course (on a general note), the same difficulties with socialization and social venues can be generalized to the family unit as well. I have had the exact same difficulties with relatives as with the public. AS makes relationships difficult at any level.

Well the problem is that there's not much to be concerned about. I live on my own just fine in an apartment. I have a great social network of friends. I'm in the second year of a Ph.D. program at Penn State. I reglularly speak to parent groups and at conferences about my experiences living with AS. I don't drink, and I don't smoke. I'm a perfect bill of health. I exercise regularly. Heck, half the parents I've spoken to in the past have joked about wanting to adopt me. I'd like to think that I'm functioning on a pretty level for a 25 year-old, yet alone a 25-year-old diagnosed with AS, dysthymia, panic disorder, generalized anxiety, and tics. I'm functioning well enough that the diagnostic process last year was rather arduous though I did eventually end up with the official AS diagnosis.

I have a recommendation where to start:

In this situation, there are matters you can control, and matters you can't control. The matters you can't control are named Mom and Dad. The truth is, I can give you stellar advice about how to handle the folks, and Mom and Dad are going to go right on doing what they're doing, most likely.

You can control your reaction, though, and I recommend starting there. As an aid to this, it might be helpful for you to examine the thought, "My family lacks understanding of me." I see your viewpoint. But should the world be different? Ask yourself, "Is there a rule written somewhere that says parents must always understand their children?" Of course not, right? It's an absurd thought, when you get right down to it. Parents misunderstand their children all the time throughout the world. Heck, it seems to be part of the parental job description. That thought is just a thought, with no basis in your reality.

So see if you can get some distance from that thought. Laugh at it a little. Once you do, you may find that it's the thought that makes you unhappy, not really Mom and Dad. And once you own that thought and acknowledge its effects on you, you will realize you are at cause over everything in the situation, not a helpless effect of your parents' behavior. Thence forth, you will most likely find it easier to withstand their smothering attentions without reacting to your own thoughts; and ultimately, your new patience and calmness with them will probably go farther than anything else to allay their fears for your safety and future.

You have some really good thoughts there. I'll try that. thanks.

You've been offered some really good advice already, so there is not much to say. My parents worry about me too when I am not in regular contact, so now I try to send them or my brother a text message every couple of days.

Try telling your Mom and Dad that they have done their job well. After all, you're on your own, speaking to groups, going to college, maintaining friendships, staying out of trouble; what more could they hope to see?

Are they people of faith? Tell them that worry and fear and the opposites of faith. Explain that when they display worry it communicates to you that they don't have faith in your abilities. Get some of your friends' parents and college professors to write letters of recommendations, as if you're looking for scholarships or jobs, and send copies of them to your parents.

(I know as a parent, I'll probably be the same when my son leaves. I'm always concerned that he'll end up in "situations". Realistically, I know he will, but he'll handle it somehow. Every parent wants to protect their kid from everything negative; a total impossibility.)

I am seeing several different issues here. (I am responding as the mother of a child with AS who will probably, in 10 years, being doing the same thing to him LOL). I agree wholeheartedly with Alex that for your own sense of wellbeing how you need to handle this internally.

As for your parents, the first issue is their guilt. My husband and I both felt guilty when we found out our son's dx. Was it something I ate? All the vaccines he got? The fact that he was early? All kinds of things run through your mind as a parent when something goes a little off kilter because you are convinced it was something you did. My girlfriend is sure her daughter has a port wine stain on her face because of the scary movie she saw when pregnant! Perhaps to assuage their guilt a little you may want to invite them to one of your conferences? Do you discuss the fact that there is no known single cause? It might help them to see you both in a professional setting and to hear the information. If that's not possible, maybe just mail them just clippings to help educate them about that.

As for them refusing to read or gather more information about it - I've found there seem to be two kinds of parents: information junkies who need to know it all and now - it helps them feel some sense of control over a situation they may have little or no real control over; and the ignore it and it doesn't exist group who hope by pretending you don't have a dx, you won't have a dx. Many bright, educated people take this route. It seems that the truth is more than they can maybe bear.

My last suggestion (all of which you can certainly take as a grain of salt) is to make an arrangement as to frequency of contact. I'm 43, NT, married, with kids a house and a job and my mother freaks if she doesn't hear from me every week. Decide with them what makes you all feel comfortable - often enough for them, least enough that you don't feel leashed in.

You certainly sound like someone your parents should be very proud of. I am sure you guys can work something out.

Just my .02 as always

Tell your parents that they have to read about AS, or you will no longer talk to them. If they don't want to put forth the effort to become informed about Aspergers, then they do not have any right to be the way they are being. Is it laziness that keeps them from understanding and learning? I don't know. But discuss it with them, and lay down the ground-work. You have to take some control if you plan to separate yourself from them a little.

I feel bad sometimes, because I only call my parents when I need something... its not because I dont miss them, or dont want to talk to them, its just that "small talk" is a concept I cant wrap my head around. What am I supposed to do, call them up and ask how the weather is there? That just doesnt fly in my head.

However if I find its been a while I'll call and ask something I already know... like a few weeks ago I called my mom and asked her for help cooking a roast. I know how to cook, really didnt need any help, just thought she'd appreciate that I wanted her advice... plus then from there, since I had her on the line, we made some small talk (very brief) and that was that.

My parents dont typically call me to chat either, I'm not sure if its because they know I'm not into the whole chit chat thing, or if its because we both lead busy lives. I've never had them complain about me not communicating enough, so i can only hope my lack of contact with them isnt causing any hurtful feelings. I guess I'm lucky in that they understand me, w/o actually knowing that I have AS (let alone what AS is).

honestly i kinda envy you. i mean having you parents somther you kinda sounds nice. i mean a couple days ago i ran away because i didnt think my mom would care. she seemed really busy with her headaches and stuff and i just felt like i was too much trouble for her. i mean, i'm sure it's awful but think about this: would you rather they didn't care at all?