Saying vs. Doing

Post Reply New Topic

Today I told my mother I loved her. She started crying. It was so random. She said I've only told her that three other times in my entire life, while I've told every pet we've ever owned that I love them at least once a day. I asked her why she needed me to tell her when I thought she knew it already. I guess I just figured that since words like that don't mean anything to me because they're used so often in so many different ways that they wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, either. And I always figured that people know I love them because I show it--or at least I think I show it.

I am like Wesley, the stable boy in The Princess Bride. "As you wish," actually means "I love you." If I do something for you, it's because I appreciate you...unless you are my boss, in which I case I do it because I fear you.

Does anyone else have this problem? It really threw me off today. All of a sudden I don't know if anyone I know realizes I like them.

I'm so glad you got that feedback, though. Love = doing is such a common thing that so very many people, especially Feeling-type people, are simply not geared to see unless it's explained to them, and yet it's very common, especially among guys. Suppose you tell her that to you, love=deeds, and still give her the verbal feedback she longs for? This is one communications thing that does a whole lot to oil the machinery I consciously learned it and kept it in mind forever.

The only place it doesn't work is when the verbal communication is (or comes through) as hostile or cold, and I don't think that's a problem here.

Well, anyway, *congratulations!*

I know what you mean dexkaden. I feel love for others but never really tell them as I think that they already know. I dont really show it either apparently. I first told my mum I loved her when I was about 18 and this made her eyes well up. I dont usually initiate hugs either but I actually approached my grandmother for a hug a couple of weeks ago, and this made her happy as I'd never done that before. I am learning though. Ive had relationships where partners have got upset because I never went to them for a hug so I told myself to do it, and I do now occasionally go to people for hugs. As for telling someone I love them? I still dont really do that. I always thought that some of my actions would be enough to tell people that I care but sometimes they just wanna hear it but I find it difficult, dont know why.

I finally started just saying things like 'I love you' to people - but I do think that love is doing - you can say whatever you want but it is what you do that shows who you are more . . .
Then I have the opposite problem sometimes - people say I do too much for them - but I point out that I only do as much as I want to - the fact that I do not need people at all means that if I chose to do anything for a person on a personal basis it means that I care about them . . .
It is wierd . . . apparently there is some line between saying things that you don't mean and doing too much and I don't know where it is - more reasons to be asocial, I think . . .

However, I tell my animals I love them several times a day - but animals really know what love is - theirs is unconditional . . .

Yes, I've always felt much more comfortable in showing my love as opposed to saying "I love you"-- unless it's a response like "I love you, too."

I'm not good or at ease with emotion words. I avoid them. But I do things for my loved ones to show them I love them. I do realize they want to hear the words sometimes, too. But for some reason, it feels like rocks in my throat if I ever try to say it. It doesn't come out. It feels so abnormal...

I don't get it.
I'd much rather see and experience how a person loves me than here them say the words. In fact, I don't care if they ever say, "I love you". Whatever happened to these sayings?

Pretty is as pretty does.

The proof is in the pudding.

Actions speak louder than words.

I don't understand why people get upset because you don't verbalize your feelings. If you show your heart through your actions, that's better than talk.
I have had this conversation with my husband. (He's always the woman and I'm always the man!) I have to remind myself to say "I love you" so he won't feel neglected. (I can't believe this!)

I don't know. I do teach my AS son to give me a hug, though. It's kinda stiff and awkward but he doesn't mind. I just tell him that this is one way people express the fact that they love someone. Then I have to explain the different kind of hugs and people you would never hug but give a high-five or hand shake, etc. (People who will beat you up if you hug them)
It's all so difficult and bothersome!

hmm..

I was thinking about this last night.

I told the cat no less than 10 times that I loved her in one night. I probably say that to my family once or twice a year.

Huggings the same. I sometimes hug my family but it seems very out of character. But a lot of NTs don't like hugging their family.

Well, I think most humans end up feeling unloved if they aren't both shown and told that they are loved. Because someone who only receives verbal "I love yous" won't be happy either.

It's strange, with either of the forms lacking, someone will start to convince him- or herself that they are unloved.

But I must admit, I'd probably feel a bit put-off if my mother had never said "I love you"...

Now that you know your mother's dependence on verbal reassurance, you will have to tell her "I love you" much more often!

To me the saying thing is just a rule - I have lots of rules like all of us do - and one of those is that people like you to say you love them . . . it is one of those rules that the answer to 'why?' is 'just becasue . . .'

But I still say that when I do something for someone it is better - because then I'm not just following a rule . . .

We had a long talk about this over dinner tonight. My mom had a whole bunch of books and something about Primary Love Language. All six of us had to take some silly test to find out which one we had. I was surprised that my mother, and my youngest sister all were Words of Affirmation...which means that just showing someone you love them isn't enough, apparently. So now that I know this, I am attempting to incorporate it into everyday living. It's kind of weird, because even though I DO love them, saying it just somehow cheapens it, I guess.

Dexkaden wrote:
It's kind of weird, because even though I DO love them, saying it just somehow cheapens it, I guess.



I feel exactly the same way and I don't know why. I know the book you are talking about and I have avoided it like the plague. Some day I will read it. It is very big of you to try to communicate to your family in the way that they will recieve it. You are better than I. Good luck.