Hi All,
This is my first post. I'm so glad to have found this forum!
I'd wondered if I had Asperger's for some time but never really looked at it seriously until today. I did the online tests and wandered in here and now I'm certain I do.
I'm 42 and have already come to the place where I like myself in spite of being *really* different than most everyone around me. Instead of wondering what's wrong with me and trying to be like everyone else (fail) I've just learned to accept myself and patterned my life around who I really am. I'm alone most of the time but only occasionally lonely. There are a lot of things I love about myself - I'm intelligent, and have some great skills and abilities. I'm strong-willed and capable, very independnt and I love to learn.
I wanted to start this off on a positive note, of where I am now, but I have so much of the difficult background that is shared here: a nearly friendless and miserable childhood and adolescence, constantly wondering why I never fit in anywhere and seem to repel people now matter how good my intentions. I've gone through periods feeling very depressed thinking- If I wanted to call someone up and say, 'Hey, how about we go to a movie tonight?" or whatever, there'd be virtually no one. It became easier to just decide I wouldn't want to anyway. I have a lot of the 'little' traits- mild OCD, ridiculous attention to detail and needing things around me to appear 'balanced' to my mind, eating and wearing the same things over and over againm adherence to ritual and schedule (as much a shift-worker can), detesting interruptions or unexpected visitors, etc. When I was married my husband was always chastising me for doing 'inappropriate' things socially, which I could never see. I have never really had the ability to see that other people minds seem to work much differently than mine. It's taken me a long time to put together a big picture but I'm there now and it gives me peace.
I read a lot of the posts in which people were talking about jobs for Aspies. I am a 911 dispatcher. Recently our entire protocols were changed to a 'script' that everyone seems to hate. It's unnaturally worded and we are required to follow it TO THE LETTER. Everyone is struggling with it because in order to do it the way we're supposed to, they feel they have to run all over people, interrupt them constantly and basically not care what the person they're talking to thinks of them. Surprisingly (or perhaps not) I am the only one who seems to be able to consistently do it. My employer has held me up to my coworkers as 'the only one with *perfect* call audit scores' which unfortunately has not helped my already dismal image. Certain aspects of my job I LOVE, others I hate- mainly, sitting in one room with 5 to 11 other people for 12 hours at a time. It was a brutal adjustment at first and I was beyond miserable for the first couple of years but I have found ways to adjust and my coworkers have seemingly adjusted to my idiosyncrasies.
Anyway, quick question- my two sisters also had/have major social difficulities, do many people have siblings with the same problems? I know it does run in families.... I did a search on the site here but couldn't really find much. On a positive note: my children seem to have wonderful social abilities and as far as I can tell, are free of the problems that have always plagued me. It *amazes* me to watch them doing all the things in their childhood and teen years that I really never could. It makes me feel very good.
Thanks for listening. Cheers to everyone!!
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"When seeking guidance, don't ever listen to the tiny-hearted. Be kind to them, heap them with blessing, cajole them, but do not follow their advice."
? Clarissa Pinkola Estés
29 Oct 2009, 10:15 pm
