Unsure of whether I have AS

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Hello,
I've been wondering whether I may have Asperger's and it would relieve me if I did- not because I want it, but because it would explain a lot.

I'm obviously uncomfortable in social situations. When I was younger, I had friends but I always felt really withdrawn and disconnected. I was never interested in most of the things they liked, and so I never really fit in- but I tried to. I'm 16 now, in my third year of high school, and I just moved last year. For the last two years I have been even more withdrawn, and I don't feel the need to even try and fit in or socialize. When I see a person, in public or at school, I look the other way and hope they don't try to talk to me. My first thought is whether they are a threat or if they want to harm me. I HATE small talk and I feel very awkward if I attempt it. It's difficult to make friends because I feel people are so different. I rarely accept other opinions since I think they're wrong or just stupid and illogical.

I notice things. A lot of things. I don't count objects or anything like that, but I always see tiny details in my surroundings, especially if they've changed. I'm very anal and dislike changes. I do nearly the same thing every day and I panic if something is different. This year I have the same Biology classroom as last year and I had to get the same seat. On exams I bring two calculators- one solar and one battery-powered, with 4 or 5 extra pens. I'm usually the first person to notice movement in my peripheral vision and I'm very aware of sounds. I can rarely listen to music while working (I'm writing this in silence) because I'm easily distracted. I do very well academically.. I've taken a few IQ tests and I normally get ~140. I took the Queendom EQ quiz and got 73, but I think that test is hard for neurotypical people as well. I'm very left-brained and I can pick up on certain patterns. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with information, though. In grade nine, I took a Tech course and we were working with AutoCAD (a program). We were given a diagram of a house that we had to recreate, and there were lines to label the different measurements. I couldn't differentiate between the labels and the actual house. It looked like a mess and it made my brain hurt.

I don't really have many obsessive compulsions that stick with me. Sometimes I develop some small habits that I can't stop. A while ago I would bite my teeth together a certain number of times, but I've stopped doing that. There were some other small quirks that I usually abandon after a few months. My biggest obsession is with germs. I can't stand it when people lick their finger to turn a page or to clean them while eating. Even around the house, I'm very cautious when touching things. I don't necessarily NEED to wash my hands as an impulse, but I just hate other people's germs. I dislike humans in general, but I like dogs. Occasionally there's a person I'm interested in. With girls, the feeling is rare. It has happened twice and both times I sort of became 'obsessed' with finding more about them. It's difficult to maintain eye contact, especially with strangers, but I can do it with people I trust or know a lot about.

And yet.. I'm unsure if I actually have AS. I can usually read facial expressions and I know what most people are thinking. I'm quick to pick up whether someone is sad, and I can normally figure out why they're feeling that way through deductive reasoning. Even though I know what they're feeling and why they're feeling that way, I can never empathize with them. I just think they're being overwhelmed by their emotions and are stupid for feeling that way. I'm very good at presentations and speaking loudly to a group, but I hate individual conversations. When I talk to people, I feel that I'm using a fake personality; I may say something, but I rarely mean it. If someone says something funny, I tell myself "Okay. You should smile now.." I volunteered at an event in the local library where I worked with kids for 6 hours and I felt incredibly exhausted at the end of the day for trying so hard to be someone else. My closest friend, who I only talk to online now, doubts I have Asperger's because he sees me differently. He doesn't know what I think or how hard I try to seem 'normal'. My actions are very mechanical, and I wonder whether I'm socially awkward or if that's just me coping to Asperger's.

Another big thing is that I can't remember expressing any of these symptoms when I was younger. Which leads me to suspect that I just have a social phobia.. Possibly combined with OCD. But that doesn't account for my ability to notice things and the odd way I think... Yet, it seems so extreme to say that I have Asperger's syndrome. It's all very confusing

It feels good to say all this. It's probably the most intimate I've ever been. I don't know how much of this is actually relevant, but I hope it helps clarify things. This seems like a great community, it feels very comfortable here. Thanks.

It could very well be. Ask if your parents can get someone to get you a diagnosis.

That's another thing. They would say I don't have it since they're unfamiliar with the syndrome. Their only view of autism is that it is extreme and people with it scream for no reason and bang their heads on the floor.

I forgot to post my results for the Aspie Quiz.

Your Aspie score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

I got 40 on the AQ test.

I really think it is of critical importance to get a diagnosis. After all, the law does accomodate people with differences, in schools, jobs, colleges, etc. It would be most beneficial for you.

You could have it, you may not have it... I suggest you do a lot of research, then make a decision instead of asking everyone cause people will come up with different answrs and no one has the power to diagnose you.

Welcome to WP though!

^^ What WhittenKitten said.

You have traits that are similar to AS, but there are other disorders that can look very similar.. You need to do lots of research, both on AS and differential diagnosis.

Thank you. I knew I wouldn't get a definitive diagnosis, I just wanted some advice.

I've been through my own personal hell, (sorry for the drama), and after finding wrong planet, I feel a little relieved, even without a diagnosis. A couple hundred years ago, a diagnosis wouldn't have even been possible, so it is of no importance to me. I just think it is comforting to know that there are other people who feel similarly. My advice would be, if you identify with this so called disorder, so be it. Unless you would like government assistance, think of yourself as a double agent. As far as your parents are concerned, I think we forget how much NT's compensate for their own deficiencies. No one is really NORMAL, most people are faking. Be free kemosabe....