Am I trying to have my cake and eat it?

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Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

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Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 160
Location: North England

07 Dec 2009, 10:33 am

So, as some of you may know, I'm very into girls and have even wondered if I were gay, despite many relationships guys and only two many years ago with women. My boyfriend of three years has told me I can explore this, as long as it remains sexual and not romantic.

A couple of weeks ago my best friend told me the girl he is seeing (in a no strings sort of way, she's not his girlfriend) had seen me on facebook and thought I was attractive. I didn't think much of it till I briefly met her when I went to the place where they both work to thank my friend for helping me out with something. The next day he told me she thought I was sexy and had always wanted to see what it was like with a woman. My boyfriend told me to go for it so I've been talking to her online and texting her. She's very sexually open and upfront but doesn't seem interested in me for much other than that. Which is of course ideal as I don't want a relationship, I'm already in one.

But I'm feeling rather confused right now.

We hung out together, the four of us - my friend, my boyfriend, she and I - and it was fun. Now that I've spent a little time with her I really like her. But whenever my friend was touching her and kissing her it was really bugging me. There's more to it than simple jealously. I don't like to see other women get attention from guys and my friend is my ex too which makes it slightly more bothersome. I had all these feelings of inadequacy and kept wondering why even though they're only seeing each other and aren't exclusive she lets him treat her like his girlfriend and only talks to me about sex.

I think what it is - I'd rather we were friends with benefits than strangers who sleep together. I want a girl who genuinely likes me for my looks and personality to spend a few nights with me so I can a) assess how gay I am, for my own identity and for the sake of my relationship and b) stop crying every time I see lesbians on TV.

On Thursday we're all hanging out at my place and she has said she will kiss me this time. But my friend acts so territorial with her and she acts so cold towards everyone...

...argh!! !


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Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

07 Dec 2009, 10:53 am

I think you should look at Dan Savage's archives for some ideas on how to manage a polyamorous relationship. (Dan Savage writes a column "Savage Love" that is full of very direct and typically very good advice about sex, fetishes, alternative lifestyles, relationships, etc. - link below) ... id=2873069

I can only paraphrase Dan, but it's very important to work out all the details in a poly relationship (expectations, what type of activity is okay, what's not okay, etc.) in advance of the actual activity. Also, you need to be very aware of how to protect yourself and your partners from STIs - don't skip that step. Personally, a poly relationship wouldn't work for me - I know my own limitations - but I think planning is key for people that are able to make it work successfully.