Why I don't understand some aspies... (A Pseudo-Rant)

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anneurysm
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11 Dec 2009, 1:01 pm

One of the things that tends to set me apart from other aspies is that I have a good "social compass"...meaning that I have a good judgement of what to say and what not to say to others. I'm also very eager to please, and as such try to make people feel at ease around me, so I think that adds to it.

The trouble I keep having is knowing what to say or how to react when an aspie friend of mine says or does something that unintentionally hurts my feelings. I've been in this situation more times than I can count and try not to take it personally, but as someone who is wired primarily in emotions (rather than logic), it becomes tough. Really tough.

I have quite a few aspie friends and aquaintances who seem to do this quite a bit. One I have even affectionately nicknamed "Buzz Killington" (although I will never say this, of course) because when I'm trying to friendly and personable, he will say or do something that will make everyone feel awkward and out of that 'vibe' of friendliness. He is the generator of awkward silences...but not to discount him otherwise as he is a very intelligent, frank and honest guy...it's just that sometimes that side of him can be his biggest downfall.

Just yesterday, an aspie aquaintance of mine was feeling discouraged about herself and decided to post her feelings as a facebook status. She went so far to say that she was a "waste of oxygen". Being a very empathic person and realizing that she needed a bit of support, I told her in honesty that she was a great person and that she was fun to be around. Her response: "But you're never around me, Anneurysm". What the heck? I am trying to give her some encouragement and she doesn't say thank you, or even an "I'm hanging in there :) " she just takes a jab at the fact that she chooses not to have a social life even though I've offered to hang out with her. It's an equivalent of a jab to the side. No wonder she doesn't have any friends.

Sorry if I'm ranting...but I'm realizing little by little that maybe I'm much too compassionate to be an aspie. I'm the one that my friends often turn to for support and encouragement because I'm very in touch with my intuition and emotions. The question is: how can I better understand and deal with people who don't speak that language? And how should I react if I am unintentionally offended?


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I am an anomaly. Diagnosed with borderline,"tentative" Aspergers at 7 as the school board required me to have a label in order to receive special education services. I did not fit criteria for ASD but that was the closest label that fit my behaviour at the time.

My longtime psychiatrist has confirmed that I do not qualify for an ASD diagnosis (but have traits & OCD-like traits).

Mostly keeping a distance from ASD-related things (including WP).


visagrunt
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11 Dec 2009, 1:22 pm

It seems to me that your friend's reaction was grounded more in depression than in AS.

If a person is depressed, and someone seeks to comfort them, their first reaction may be to reject the comfort, or somehow to invalidate it, in order to give freer rein to their depression. An Aspie might do this from the logical, "but you're never around me," approach, whereas an NT might say, "don't say things that you don't mean."

As for being offended by her reaction, I think it's fair to say, "I am trying to help. If you don't want it right now, just say so, and I will go away. Let me know when I can help." You can retreat, let your reaction subside, and then leave it to her to make the approach when she is more receptive.


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11 Dec 2009, 1:26 pm

I think that emotions are ultimately logical (and if they're not, it's just because of broken logic, and the emotion would change if the person having it saw the disconnect in their logic) so maybe what you need to do is find the logic in your and others' emotions in order to bridge the gap between you and your friends. That way you could offer logical solutions to emotional problems.
Like with your friend yesterday.. you just explained right here that you know what the problem is. I bet if you explain it to her in a logical (but friendly) way with all the facts out in the open, you could really help her see what her problems are and what she might do to change her actions for a more desirable outcome. (Like making and keeping more friends.)


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Willard
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11 Dec 2009, 1:48 pm

anneurysm wrote:
One of the things that tends to set me apart from other aspies is that I have a good "social compass"...meaning that I have a good judgement of what to say and what not to say to others.

Just yesterday, an aspie aquaintance of mine was feeling discouraged about herself and decided to post her feelings as a facebook status. She went so far to say that she was a "waste of oxygen". Being a very empathic person and realizing that she needed a bit of support, I told her in honesty that she was a great person and that she was fun to be around. Her response: "But you're never around me, Anneurysm".

I'm very in touch with my intuition and emotions. The question is: how can I better understand and deal with people who don't speak that language? And how should I react if I am unintentionally offended?



::Ahem:::


What's wrong with this picture?



ZakFiend
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11 Dec 2009, 1:52 pm

anneurysm wrote:
One of the things that tends to set me apart from other aspies is that I have a good "social compass"...meaning that I have a good judgement of what to say and what not to say to others. I'm also very eager to please, and as such try to make people feel at ease around me, so I think that adds to it.

The trouble I keep having is knowing what to say or how to react when an aspie friend of mine says or does something that unintentionally hurts my feelings. I've been in this situation more times than I can count and try not to take it personally, but as someone who is wired primarily in emotions (rather than logic), it becomes tough. Really tough.


You have to understand that your social intelligence is mostly uncosncious, i.e. your mind automatically incorporates emotional social data and presents with red flags.

Many aspies have really poor emotional processing, when we think to say or do something, we are not considering "How will what I say or what I do effect the feelings of others around me?" It never occurs to many of us that we are giving off an odd emotional or negative vibe since we tend to ihtellectualize everything, i.e. we downplay the emotional content of things and wonder why people can't be more like us.

I see most "normal" social people as bigots, their false support "i.e. sugar covered words". They constantly lie to one another to "save face" or "protect someones feelings", they never ask or question if their emotions and feelings are delusions and lies. They take their emotions and feelings as god, rather then something to be critical and weary of.

I think the greatest problem is that most aspies believe (and are right in many cases) that most people in the world are much more mentally immature then they are. i.e. just look at politics, war, religion, poverty, etc. Most of aspies problems come from other peoples lack of intellectual and emotional fortitude and maturity that comes with age, that most wise aged aspies have.

This world is not run rationally. It's run by emotional addicts and intellectually retarded degenerates.



11 Dec 2009, 2:05 pm

Willard wrote:
anneurysm wrote:
One of the things that tends to set me apart from other aspies is that I have a good "social compass"...meaning that I have a good judgement of what to say and what not to say to others.

Just yesterday, an aspie aquaintance of mine was feeling discouraged about herself and decided to post her feelings as a facebook status. She went so far to say that she was a "waste of oxygen". Being a very empathic person and realizing that she needed a bit of support, I told her in honesty that she was a great person and that she was fun to be around. Her response: "But you're never around me, Anneurysm".

I'm very in touch with my intuition and emotions. The question is: how can I better understand and deal with people who don't speak that language? And how should I react if I am unintentionally offended?



::Ahem:::


What's wrong with this picture?



Wow, you're good. Maybe the OP doesn't really realize she has that trait. :lol:



marshall
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11 Dec 2009, 2:51 pm

anneurysm wrote:
One of the things that tends to set me apart from other aspies is that I have a good "social compass"...meaning that I have a good judgement of what to say and what not to say to others. I'm also very eager to please, and as such try to make people feel at ease around me, so I think that adds to it.

The trouble I keep having is knowing what to say or how to react when an aspie friend of mine says or does something that unintentionally hurts my feelings. I've been in this situation more times than I can count and try not to take it personally, but as someone who is wired primarily in emotions (rather than logic), it becomes tough. Really tough.

I have quite a few aspie friends and aquaintances who seem to do this quite a bit. One I have even affectionately nicknamed "Buzz Killington" (although I will never say this, of course) because when I'm trying to friendly and personable, he will say or do something that will make everyone feel awkward and out of that 'vibe' of friendliness. He is the generator of awkward silences...but not to discount him otherwise as he is a very intelligent, frank and honest guy...it's just that sometimes that side of him can be his biggest downfall.

Just yesterday, an aspie aquaintance of mine was feeling discouraged about herself and decided to post her feelings as a facebook status. She went so far to say that she was a "waste of oxygen". Being a very empathic person and realizing that she needed a bit of support, I told her in honesty that she was a great person and that she was fun to be around. Her response: "But you're never around me, Anneurysm". What the heck? I am trying to give her some encouragement and she doesn't say thank you, or even an "I'm hanging in there :) " she just takes a jab at the fact that she chooses not to have a social life even though I've offered to hang out with her. It's an equivalent of a jab to the side. No wonder she doesn't have any friends.

Sorry if I'm ranting...but I'm realizing little by little that maybe I'm much too compassionate to be an aspie. I'm the one that my friends often turn to for support and encouragement because I'm very in touch with my intuition and emotions. The question is: how can I better understand and deal with people who don't speak that language? And how should I react if I am unintentionally offended?


I'm not sure. I can see both sides though. For me sometimes it is a burden to accept people's well meaninged attempts to be empathetic. I know that if I respond positively to their encouragement they will feel better but if I'm deliberately withholding my doubts and negative thoughts then the whole interaction feels contrived.



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11 Dec 2009, 3:04 pm

Spokane_Girl wrote:
Willard wrote:
anneurysm wrote:
One of the things that tends to set me apart from other aspies is that I have a good "social compass"...meaning that I have a good judgement of what to say and what not to say to others.

Just yesterday, an aspie aquaintance of mine was feeling discouraged about herself and decided to post her feelings as a facebook status. She went so far to say that she was a "waste of oxygen". Being a very empathic person and realizing that she needed a bit of support, I told her in honesty that she was a great person and that she was fun to be around. Her response: "But you're never around me, Anneurysm".

I'm very in touch with my intuition and emotions. The question is: how can I better understand and deal with people who don't speak that language? And how should I react if I am unintentionally offended?



::Ahem:::


What's wrong with this picture?



Wow, you're good. Maybe the OP doesn't really realize she has that trait. :lol:


What? Social skills?



11 Dec 2009, 3:11 pm

Yeah, she probably doesn't realize she has difficulty knowing what to say and what not to say to people. She thinks she has good judgment. Oh the irony of being an aspie. We don't always realize our difficulties.



11 Dec 2009, 3:11 pm

*Double post*



Last edited by Spokane_Girl on 11 Dec 2009, 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Xelebes
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11 Dec 2009, 3:40 pm

Willard wrote:
anneurysm wrote:
One of the things that tends to set me apart from other aspies is that I have a good "social compass"...meaning that I have a good judgement of what to say and what not to say to others.

Just yesterday, an aspie aquaintance of mine was feeling discouraged about herself and decided to post her feelings as a facebook status. She went so far to say that she was a "waste of oxygen". Being a very empathic person and realizing that she needed a bit of support, I told her in honesty that she was a great person and that she was fun to be around. Her response: "But you're never around me, Anneurysm".

I'm very in touch with my intuition and emotions. The question is: how can I better understand and deal with people who don't speak that language? And how should I react if I am unintentionally offended?



::Ahem:::


What's wrong with this picture?


Not much. Some aspies are emotionally-driven so they know much of the heuristics needed to go along with things. They may lack the logic-drive so they avoid the logic-overdrive that we complain a lot of here.


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Wiedinmyer
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11 Dec 2009, 3:52 pm

Mayhap that would be a good time to tell your friend that you'd like to spend some time with her...

I'm having a similar reaction to the one that your friend is having concerning a woman I'd asked out recently. She politely declined, using the standard "I hope we can still be friends" line. On some level, I know that this reaction is meant to indicate a "no hard feelings" attitude (ie. I don't find you disgusting, but I'm not interested in going out). On another level, it seems rather goofy to me, as the woman and I aren't much in the way of friends to begin with. So to say that we might "still be friends" seems a vast overstatement. (Mind you, I'm not about to say this to her, but...)



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11 Dec 2009, 5:23 pm

It's probably just that she is heavily logic oriented and literal rather than emotion oriented. Someone more emotion oriented would feel happy that she'd just got a compliment, but with her wiring, she just saw an illogical statement.


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11 Dec 2009, 5:36 pm

First of all, you should not get offended because I am 100 percent sure she did not mean to offend you. Secondly, tell her why what she did offended you. Explain your feelings to her in as much detail as possible. Also, tell her that what you said in that comment was genuine. Maybe she feels that you don't spend enough time with her. I also had that feeling when I had a friend at school; I sort of had that feeling that because she wasn't spending all of her time with me, she wasn't a genuine friend. Because people always used to talk behind my back and used to be dishonest to me, I now have huge trust issues. Maybe she feels the same way.


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Wiedinmyer
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11 Dec 2009, 5:42 pm

Yeah. What she said.

I can definitely see some side of your friend's perspective on the deal. In quite a few of the online fora that I participate in, invariably there's someone who will drop out for a while. And invariably there will be someone else that will ask where they've been or if anyone knows how they're doing. There was one particular forum where this would irk me to no end, because if one clicked on the missing user's username, one could send an email to their off-site email account. It always just struck me as odd that people that were ostensibly so concerned about how someone was doing would not take the trouble to ask that person themselves.



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11 Dec 2009, 6:16 pm

I recently worked out I sit more on the borderline between having AS and having traits so I can relate.

A couple of men from around the local area here (with AS), just seem to constantly come out with insults to either the person they are with, or others, and it is just easier not to be around people like that. I know they don't realise some or all of what they are saying.

At the end of the day we all have to look after our own wellbeing, so people who find that they don't like others emotions won't surround themselves with people who do and the reverse is true. If you are more emotional, than those friends, maybe it's time to meet some other people as well, to balance your life out.