Detecting Attraction 101: Nonverbal Cues

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And that's the case for everyone, not just Aspies. There really is no magic bullet or sure-fire way to tell how someone feels about you. The tips above are a great help in terms of helping you figure that out for yourself, and you need to take the clues in context and as part of an overall picture, but at the end of the day, none of us are mind readers.

Well, so what is there still for me to learn, then? Where should I focus on if I already figured out and experimented with the basic non-verbal cues you mentioned?

Tomorrow at New Year's eve I'm planning to go out to a frat pub and see if there aren't any eligable bachelorettes around. Although I have two lesbian friends accompanying me to coach me through the process (we even went shopping for my outfit yesterday), any extra input would be welcome

Well I'm assuming you've held her gaze for a couple of seconds and smiled back I'm pretty sure the next thing to do is go and talk to her.

Just found this video http://www.clipclip.org/clips/detail/28 ... w-to-flirt there's some very useful info (especially the part about signals) but it's mixed with comedy so not all of it is to be taken literally, if anyone needs help deciphering it just ask.

im talking about a friend, not a rando....like my biggest problem is that i get crushes on girls im friends with so i cant tell if theyre just like they are because theyre my friend or if they also are attracted to me.

Most useful to me seems the "just slime and look away" and "if she smiles back, the flirting begins". How accurate is this, I wonder? How common would it be for a woman to smile back if she wasn't interesting in flirting?

Maybe try to engage in a conversation on what's their taste in men. If they give you a list or detailed type of men they're attracted to, then you can be pretty sure she's not into you. If she gets a bit uncomfortable and makes a joke about it, she's probably into you..... unless she's actually joking that you are her type. In that case, you probably aren't

Regardless of her answer, I don't think it would hurt to ask her that question. If you ask it in a casual way without stressing it at all, she may not realise that you're actually checking whether she's into you and in that case there is no risk to your friendship at all.

But that's just what I would do.

Yes that part of the video is accurate Salonfilosoof. If she was doing that and obviously wasn't interested it's most likely because she's trying to sell you something.

BongSao, that's really difficult territory to be honest and something i'd definitely avoid these days. There are people round here who've done it though so hopefully they'll chime in. If it's someone you've known for a while but aren't very close with then yeah just go for it but if it's like a best friend or someone who you'd seriously miss if you never saw them again then tread carefully.

I'll keep that in mind when I go out tomorrow

Anything else of this nature you can think of? It was the only part of the video I remember that wasn't pretty obvious to me already.

I also want to say that describes exactly how NT dating advice could fail miserably.

The instructional video is good at describing what to do and what to avoid when trying to flirt with someone. His personal attempt is full of things you don't do.

Did anyone else notice how he discarded a lot of his advice when talking to that girl? He didn't act confident, and he completely ignored his advice on how and when to approach. Then, when finding out the other girl had a boyfriend, he completely ignored his own advice there too.

A clear example of knowing the theory but not knowing to to put it into practice. That's actually a common trait among Aspies....

Well, there's learning a skill, and there's putting it into practice. You can learn how to do a certain math problem, but until you do a few problems, do you really know the material? I guess my point above is that yes, this is great stuff (and I hope they make this thread a sticky), but it's going to take real life experience, almost as if the real world was a lab, to figure out how to apply it. I think the "world as a lab" approach is a good one, because it takes some of the pressure off and lets you feel a bit more liberated. After all, when an experiment fails, it didn't really fail, it just didn't have the result you desired. Learn from it and move on, or try it again with a change in the formula.

I think your plans for New Years are a great step in the right direction.

I'm sure I've done that one a few times myself. There's definitely a big difference between knowing and practicing. Of course, knowing makes it a lot easier to actually do it once you've had the practice, but still... you need practice.


That's definitely a good approach. It'll make rejection a lot easier to cope with if you just look at it as getting unexpected results from an experiment. Then it's just a matter of fine-tuning things until you get what you're looking for. It's a bit like chemistry. XD

Another thing you can look for once you're engaged in conversation is pupil dilation. It doesn't have to be done intrusively, just a quick conscious glance directly in the eyes. If their eyes look larger and darker than seems normal, and the light is fairly normal, there's a good chance they are dilated. This means they are engaged and like what is happening in the moment. It doesn't mean they are planning the wedding, or even breakfast; merely that the moment is enjoyable.

The cool thing about this cue, is that it is purely psychosomatic--you can't control that at all. If your reptile brain is happy, the pupils naturally dilate.

But, alas, there is not magic bullet, as has been stated. Still, little things can add up to at least give you a clue.

I plan to make it this big "world as a lab" experience and sincerely hope to find out if my new outfit, my new facial hair (I'm growing some kind of goatee) and my updated social skills with the help of my lesbian friends could provide enough interest among the available single women out there to end up with a date by the end of the night. I guess much will depend on how self-confident I can manage to appear, as I'm already getting nervous and it's still about 12 hours before I'm expected to go out. I'll have to find a way to relax and stay calm without focusing too much on scoring a date, even though that's going to be my primary objective.

Most people have crappy posture, it doesn't stop them from getting dates or jobs, ect.



Yes it is.



I've never noticed mirroring (mimicing) among my friends, psychopaths on the other hand tend to mimic people, I usually take it as a bad sign if someone is mimicing my voice, gestures, and thoughts. It's done to create the illusion of similiarity to make a person comfortable so they'll be more easy to manipulate/control/con, it's not a sign that someone likes you at all, more of a sign that they're up to something.



Crossed arms/legs isn't neccessarily a sign of hostility, it has numerous meanings, the person might just like to cross their arms or legs, they might be pensieve (in thought), dissapointed, or just "serious buisness".



That or if you find what they're saying interesting.



Clearing the throat is to give your voice better quality, or because your throat is agitated/filled with mucus/plegm.



Friendly touching is different from romantic or sexual touching, guys tend to smack or grab each others shoulders for example, when a girl is attracted to a guy she might rub his lattisimus dorsi muscle, or if she can his thigh, or in a hug she might "feel him up" by rubbing his lattisimus dorsi and erector spinae muscles, a friendly hug is either a static hug or a patting of the back hug.



Telling people how they think and feel is bad and stupid man, I'm pretty sure she knows herself better than you do.



Or maybe your skin is agitated by micro-organisms or some sort of microscopic residue, that's a physical thing that you can't see, athletes foot anybody?

I already mentioned that mirroring is not what it appears to be, so I'm going to mention others.

Bad News:

1: Clown Smiling: If someone smiles way to much and the smile seems almost like the plastic smile of a hustler/con-artist it means bad news and the person is most likely not who they appear to be.

2: Inconsistency: Watch for inconsistency, the words of deceptive BSers betray their actions, they will constantly contradict themselves time and time again.

3: Perfect Social Skills: If a person is extremely confident, charming, seemily nice, talkative, funny ect, more normal than normal. Something is up, no one is perfect, you're probably being sold snake oil.

4: First impressions mean NOTHING!: Deceptive BSers are excellent at first impressions, you don't get to know someone within 15 minutes to an hour, it takes time to get to know someone.

5: Mask Drops: Sometimes a charlatan will accidently drop their "mask" and show the real them, if they go from smiling and kind, talkative, funny, and confident immediately to spiteful little asshat for no apparent reason then shift immediately back into their "mask", something is up and it's not good. Another version of the mask drop is similiar but involves blankness, and coldness like they immediately forgot you were there and then shift immediately back into their "mask".

^^^THIS

I think this thread would make a good sticky. Thanks.