how can I make a bad relationship work?

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I love my ex boyfriend very much but things are often not good between us. Often he says spiteful things which upset me and he can be quite selfish. He says I make him happy when we are together but often I feel very stressed and bad about myself. I can also be hurtful to him and very grumpy. I dont like my routines interfered with and I need more time alone and get grumpy when i dont have enough alone time.

Ive had a very very hard year, with problems with my neighbours, moving house, studying an msc, problems with social services, problems with my autistic kids challenging behaviour, pets dying, problems with friends etc. So Ive not been on good form myself and have been in general very stressed and struggleing emotionally.

Ive recently gave up smoking (after having started again in august) and that was very hard and made me very grumpy and stressed. My ex boyfriend was not good about giving me enough alone time to give up smoking easily and put added emotional pressure on me.

I very much love my ex boyfriend but I dont know how to make a relationship work, we are both very different and have a different way of veiwing the world and reacting to the world. Im very much the text book aspie, aloof, rude with low theory of mind, where as he is more shy, quiet and sensitive. We have the same interests and values which is very important to me.

It hurts a lot not being with him and makes me feel like Im dying and sick, I feel very sad not being with him. But I feel very distressed haveing a relationship with him as well so I dont know what to do.

(I dont want to have couples councilling as I cant sort out childcare or afford it at present)

Ive asked him to add his view to the thread aswell.

Just get yourself a new boyfriend. When you get to the spiteful stage, it's officially over.

I'd agree with you - it's not necessarily about trying to change each other, that's always a bad idea. But accepting each other as you are might still be possible, if both of you are committed to trying to do that.

If you both want to try and continue with the relationship, then I reckon communication is the key. You have to be able to tell him why you need what you need, and he has to be able to do the same. I've started to find that this a lot easier in writing than in verbal discussion. It's a shame you can't see a couples counsellor, but if you can't then you can still work with each other constructively. 90% of all relationship problems are due to misunderstanding and insufficient communication, I reckon. One partner behaves a certain way, the other one doesn't understand why, but no discussion is made of it, and so the other partner starts to develop theories that aren't necessarily true as to what the behaviour is about, etc. So if you can really start talking to each other about what's going on, without judging each other, you might start to be able to reach a level of acceptance.

As I always say when I post on relationship topics though, I don't have a ton of practical experience myself!! ! But I've definitely been in the situation I described above, more than once.

We get addicted to the endorphins that bubble up when we are in a relationship with someone. At some point we forget that those feelings reside in ourselves, and not coming from the person that we are in a relationship with. But we see that other person as the source of those feelings and no matter how horrible the actual relationship is, we want to cling to what we see as the source of those fuzzy wonderful endorphins.

But they are not the source. You are the source. I agree with LonerMutant, Get yourself another boyfriend. Those endorphins will bubble up again and you might not have to wade through all that idiocy just to feel you are loved.

Merle

(been there, done that, went on numerous tours and have a tee shirt from every one made into a quilt! )