Hello

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I'd like to start off by saying hello.

I recently discovered this site after a friend from another forum linked to it. Over the past few months I've been reading up on aspergers syndrome and the diagnosis of it. I've done some heavy duty thinking about maybe going and seeing a pyschiatrist about it. I'm not sure if I have the syndrome however, and I don't want to jump to conclusions. I feel that I'll only be making up an excuse for the way I act if I go out and get diagnosed.. I also feel afraid about being told that I don't have it because I have been looking for a reason for the way I am for quite a while now. Let me continue further by describing a little more about myself.

Ever since I was young I have been fascinated with various subjects. I remember when I was about 5 up to the age of 10 I was intensly interested in dinosaurs. I would stay home and constantly watch the discovery channel hoping they would air another special on dinosaurs. There was also a museum of natural history close by our house. I loved visiting the museum, it was like an adventure for me. As I grew older I gained an interest in engineering (specifically robots). I remember one time my family and I were on vacation at my grandfathers. I remember I had about 5 sheets of printer paper taped together and I spent a great deal of time that day trying to draw schematics for a giant woolly mammoth robot. One of the problems however with my interests was that I would stay inside my house alot. I enjoyed learning more about my interests than anything else.

I was also bullied a lot in school and I never really understood why. I resented the fact that I was the one targeted for no apparent reason. I also got into trouble at school alot. I frequently recieved referrals from school. As I grew older I started noticing certain things about myself. As I began realizing these quirks I slowly started to try and fix them. I'd have to say that it wasn't until my first year of high school that I began having better luck making friends. I still have some problems with it but I notice my self improve. One thing I still have trouble with is girls though. I'm currently 17 and in my Junior year of high school and I have never had a girlfriend or a job. There have been several girls I liked, and I even noticed what appeared to be signs that they might've liked me back. However being the person I am I never got to the point of asking them out. One example in particular was a girl I met near the beginning of my junior year who I really hit it off with. However I kept holding myself back when it came to asking her out. Eventually though she ended up dating another guy I knew sometime in January. I wanted to be angry but I actually felt happy for the other guy. I don't know why but I was glad to see that they both found someone to be happy with. That's about the time when I started feeling that I don't deserve to have anyone. I've started to see myself as someone who shouldn't be allowed to be with anyone else. It almost feels like being a guardian for everyone else, someone who stays in the shadows and makes sure everyone else is doing alright. That's the only real way I can describe it right now. I'm intensly fusterated with unfairness. I try to make things fair for other people (atleast based on my own definition of fairness) even though I know it's out of my reach.

I also feel that I have no right in this world to complain about being unhappy. This is something else that is holding me back from going out and finding help. I don't want others to think that I'm self absorbed.

Some other things I forgot to mention was when I attended 1st grade in New Mexico. I remember having to take special trips to a school where I recieved private attention from a teacher. I was too young to really remember what I was going to school for, but basically they thought I was ret*d at the time. I also had a speech impediment throughout my life up unitl junior high. I had to attend a special class to get it fixed.

When I was in junior high I suffered from what I would consider my first real case of depression. I remember I was in the mall with a close friend when all of a sudden I got the fealing that I was forgetting something. I kept racking my brain to remember what it was. For about a year and a half I was depressed about most things for no reason. The whole time I felt like there was something I was forgetting but couldn't remember what it was. Eventually I pulled myself out of it. However I still suffer from being depressed. I have moments where I might be very happy about life for a few weeks, then I'll dip back down into depression again. Constantly thinking about everything. I constantly ask myself question. I ask questions about the reality of a "God", I ask myself what kind of person I really am, I ask myself if all these questions are really worth the trouble of asking in the first place.

Some things I have difficulty with is expressing my emotions and remember things from not that long ago. It's almost impossible for me to explain to people what I'm really thinking. I often feel like I am being interrupted and I usually don't even bother argueing back. In many occasions I usually let the other person finish the converstation thinking they have proven the point. I've also had problems with eye contact. I'm constantly told that I need to keep good eye contact when talking to people. This is something I have been improving with however. I have terrible memory. I can remember things vividly from many years ago but I have trouble remembering things recently. An example was when I had to remember a bunch of ions for my chemistry class. I reviewed the ions for several nights for about 30 minutes a night but I had difficulty remembering them when it came testing time. I also have problems with procrastination, which causes me to get very little school work done. Even when I want to do the work I often distract myself. Many times I'll just sit in my room and think about things. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night too. I can't seem to turn off my brain unless I'm very very tired from the day before. I end up lying in bed for several hours thinking about whatever comes to my mind. I often wonder from one subject to another thinking about the smallest details and how they would affect other things.

The last few years that I have spent in high my interests have reverted to level design and art. I have a burning desire to become great in both these areas. When I use to work on levels I would spend months on just a few rooms, constantly changing details, unable to move on. However I don't think that it's anything peculiar since I have seen other mappers with the same problem. I also try to work hard on my artwork and I feel like I'm behind many other artist my age. I'm taking a drawing class and I can honestly say I'm the best in there. However I feel like a failure when I see anyone else create a nice peice of artwork.

I do have several close friends and a lot of people I would consider "good acquaintances". But I still feel very alone. I wish I could distance myself. The past year I have delved into the world of furrism. Although I'm not an active member in any furry community I do feel like it could be a group of people that I relate to.

I'd like to thank anyone who read through all that. I really would appreciate it if I could get some input. I almost feel bad for spending the time to write about all that. I could go on and there is some stuff I forgot about but I think I'll end it here.

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

I thought that was a great piece of writing, very descriptive. You have talent. I can see that although I barely know you.
It is not a bad thing to become self-aware as you have. You have every right to seek an opinion from a psychiatrist/psychologist. Putting this off may make things worse for yourself, in the way that you are not completely sure about a diagnosis.
Also, if/when you do get a diagnosis, it doesn't stop there. You will need someone to talk to about your new situation. I know, I guess, because I have been through this myself. Thought I would be fine once I had the diagnosis. I wasn't. You may need to be guided through the tough times that might follow. We will be here for you.
Sorry if you have already thought of all this yourself....
from renaeden.

Thank you

It's cool to know that there might actually be a reason behind my actions and that there is a place like this. If you don't mind there were a few things I forgot to add last night.

I remember when I was very young I was in a mall with my parents. We were at a toy store and they had one of those robotic talking parrots. I remember I spent several minutes talking to the parrot and I was heartbroken when we had to leave because I felt I had made a new friend that day. I think I was too young to understand it wasn't really alive and it was only mimicking my speech. Something else I often do is when I'm walking on floors with tile or walking along walls that are brick. Sometimes I'll create a little pattern out of the tiles and only walk on certain ones. I just thought I was doing it for fun. I'll also try and tap a certain pattern on the bricks aswell.

In my freshman year of highschool I got involved in a fight in the cafeteria with another student. He had taken my drink and drank the whole thing. So I took the empty can and threw it back at him. He got up and shoved me and took my plate and dumped it on me. I couldn't understand why he would be so mad over being hit with an empty aluminum can. I thought that what he had done back to me after I hit him with the can was unfair and certainly much worse than what I had done to him. I kept trying to reason with him as he stood in my face. I was getting very pissed off that he was being such an as*hole. Luckily a teacher broke us up. I've been involved in similar fights like these all throughout school. I could never understand why the person would be so mad over so little.

So far I've never told anyone about any of these things, not my parents, or friends, or anyone else on the internet till now.

Something else I'd like to point out that has happened to me lately is that some of my friends have described me as "the forty year old virgin" and "napoleon dynamite". I haven't seen either of these movies but I'm pretty sure what they mean by this. I was curious as to how these characters are portrayed in the movies.

P.S. What does NT stand for?

NT stands for NeuroTypical. Non-autistic or non-Aspie people. Some don't like the term and use other words instead. I really have no opinion on it. It is my way with many things.
I think I would have reacted the same in regards to the cafeteria situation. That person did something very annoying to you, but couldn't handle it when you did something that probably made him look a bit silly. Could be why he overreacted. I can understand your puzzlement. He just took it way too far. He probably did not expect you to retaliate.
I was involved in many incidents like this through school as well. I used to think it was because I have a nasty temper, but if they left me ALONE I would have been fine.
Finding patterns in things is not uncommon with Aspies/Auties. We tend to be very good at it.

I've been reading around a lot of this site and I keep coming to different conclusions about myself. Sometimes I'm quite sure I might have aspergers while other times I think I could just be paranoid. It's quite irritating. I'm really glad I found this place though. It's almost feels like an air of relief. However I don't know how I could really handle it if I was told I was just a normal person. I'm very persistant in finding the truth, and I have an urge of desire to understand myself.

Same here,some of the stuff I read is right on target and than I read other stuff that's not like me at all.

Being 46 and not having heard of AS until about 6 months ago, plus with my childhood environment being a lot different than it is for kids today, could explain why I don't relate to everything posted here.

I had no idea my whole life why I didn't fit in and learned to accept it and deal with it. Became a loner and accepted it a long time ago. I'm a mean old grouchy republican because I see it's every man for themselves,nobody gives a crap about anyone,just use each other.

Deep down I think we should all stick together,I have the union mentality but know it's a waste because most people don't give a crap. I think we should help those less fortunate, but know it's a lost cause with many people because they won't lift a finger to help themselves,they thrive on playing the roll of victim and 10 times as many see the safety net society provides as a hammock to climb into and others see providing the safety net as a way to stuff their own pockets by being victims advocates. Most of the victims advocates just go through the motions acting like they care,but don't really want to get people to be able to function on their own,that would put them out of jobs.

I used to drive a truck around the country,they are just sweatshops on wheels so I got involved with a drivers organization, ended up not being able to renew my membership. Probably the only person out of over 100,000 they wouldn't let be a member in the 30 years they have been around. The people are so set in their ways that anyone who dares say things need to really be changed is looked at like the enemy. Trucking worked fine until about 25 years ago when the union started going down hill. People turned their back on the union and will never admit they where wrong.

I see the same thing with the school system,it worked fine back in the 60's & 70's when kids where lined up in neat rows and told to sit down and pay attention. Than the new age method of teaching came along and now the classrooms environment sounds like it's out of control. It's no wonder so many children can't function in it and they put labels on so many of the kids. Now after they have been at it for so many years nobody will admit it's wrong and they keep throwing more money at it trying to make what isn't working work, instead of just going back to the old method which did work for the majority of students.

It was simple,don't pay attention and don't pass the tests,try again next year. Nobody wanted to be 16 years old in the 6th grade so after failing a grade or 2 they figured out they better put some effort into their school work or else they would be 16 years old in the 6th grade. There was no widespread bullying years ago,the adults had control of most of the children most of the time. Sure some kids got picked on, but by the sounds of it today it's way worse.

Years ago if somebody stole somebodies drink and than dumped a plate of food on them,they would be is big trouble. Somebody posted the link to a video here within the last week or so about some kid feeding french fries to his school bag because some punks rigged up a speaker to it and had the bag talking to the kid and saying it wanted french fries,if that video is real,where where the adults while all that went on ??

The stupid punks aren't put in their place by failing grades and made to feel inferior,so they get such big heads that they get out of control and think the world revolves around their stupid butts.

Society is messed up today,the Jerry Springer make a fool out of themselves mentality is acceptable behavior.Most of society hasn't evolved past the mentality of 13 year olds,grown people that act like Jr High/middle school kids.

Dating for AS people
it's no wonder it ain't happening for most. Look at society, most NT's are more worried about what their friends think than anything else. Joe Cool might look like a catch to their friends in high school,but is likely to be a worthless husband & father who can't provided for his family,so they go looking for some meal ticket who they will dump the minute they soaked the sucker for all they need and than go find another idiot or they marry Mr. Responsable who is also know as Mr Boring and let the sucker buy them a house and once they got the sucker hooked for child support dump his butt and go find some idiot to replace him with.

People with AS see through the whole scam and stay clear of getting used and hurt.

excellent post!