hi im new be gentle x

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hi im a new member , ive been going to councling for quite a while now , talking about the possible chance that my marraige is not going to last , and over the last couple of weeks my counclier has picked up things that i have said ,she surgested that i should look up aspergers , well i did , and im shocked to find out that my husband shows up in all the critirea , and now im terrified , lost ,,almost , and sooooooo confused ,i dont know what to do , here is a man that is obsessed with me to the point of hes in my face 24/7 telling me how much he loves me kissing me and constantly needs cuddles and very highly sexed in his head , plain boring doesnt want to go anywhere ,no ambition , does and says things in tottaly the wrong time or place , appear aloof and unsociable, when in company
when gets in to a hobby , ie his bike or photography his obession is umbearable ,
he has done some pretty raw stuff to me , and when i approached him and asked him why he just completely looks at me blank , and shys away ,
he is a hard worker adores his children ,
i am a bubbly girl with lots of ambition enthusiasam , very creative also hard worker, i like to socialise dance go out and see places, have dreams,
and now i just found out that its not his fault , he cant help it ,
please if any one can help me , i do not know what to do next

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

well, motherofpearl, what can one say but... welcome... and... well done...
it would seem you have found a useful place; you will will find a number of highly applicable subfora here (Adult Issues, Woman's Whateveritscalled, to name but two). All issues mentioned are discussed here.

At the very least it would seem that your husband MIGHT have autism (asperger's IS autism), if not something else MAY be 'wrong' ot better... not quite as 'normal' or 'average' would have it.

What I would do in your situation, is to take a mental time-out form almost anything, including these counselings, at least in their present perspective. I would discuss with said counselor whether it would be alright to take a step back, and, possibly under his/her guidance consider very seriously what it would mean to you yourself, him, and the two of you, AND the family as a whole, IF your husband were autistic.

Would that knowledge, and as a consequence you are saying 'it is not his fault, he cannot help it/himself' - does that make him non-accountable for his actions, whether he would know or not;-
would then that knowledge change things...
would then, you be able to 'manage' things from a new perspective, even in the knowledge he might not change.

HOWEVER, I have found that knowing is all.

In Holland, one of the official definitions holds that autism is an invisible handicap. That's is fine actually, not necessarily can the auti or aspie be detected from any specific physical 'abnormality, deficience' or just 'trait'.
No discrimination over noses, colours, nothing like that... just normality... they say.

Not so in practice, really... And in fact, what is overlooked in understanding the tragedy of this invisibility, is that it can go, and does often, invisible to the one who is thus handicapped not just by autism (serious enough) by much worse so by NOT KNOWING one is handicapped at all.

Things just never seem to go right and NOBODY understands why. Continues (verbal) misunderstanding, and NOBODY understand why. Once autism gets discovered, it changes EVERYTHING.

And ONLY in knowing what 'the problem' is can any solution be found.

So my position is clear: you have no choice but to raise the issue. But why do that instantly. Do is slowly, take a time out and read up on it. There is some very good literature these days, maybe ill mention some stuff in this thread at a more convenient time. Google Tony Attwood; and Martine Delfos; and Olga Bogdashina; and GRASP, Michael John Carley.

I diagnozed myself (and got official confirmation) age 52. In my situation I find that just a bit handicapping, but that is another story entirely. Would that I'd discovered at say 40... You lot seem not to be close to that - you are kids still... Believe me: you have all the time in the world... just don't wait too long.

Will that do for an answer?

Your's, Robert

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

even if he didnt have autism it wouldnt be his fault that he is like he is. if you think that it would be his fault than its still his fault just because it has a name doesnt make it any more or any less his fault.

This behavior does not truly sound like Asperger's Syndrome...

Perhaps it does if you are the Big Interest ("obsession" is another term, but implies negativity), which is what love is, isn't it? When you learn about love from TV and the movies, as aspies often do, you see images of being close and together all the time, with lots of kisses, cuddles and effortless sex. Hollywood doesn't make many movies showing what a good married relationship is like, and while TV gets us to laugh at marriage (Everybody Loves Raymond comes to mind), it doesn't teach us how to craft a good marriage. Hence, aspies are good at courtship, but can be lacking when it comes to all the hidden social behaviours that make for a good marriage. We yearn to learn about it though, and acknowledging the shortcomings will help, I suspect.

As an aspie with a "starter marriage" under my belt, I am much more up front with my new SO about my social shortcomings and invite her to be direct with me when I act or say something odd. This lets me know that something I did is not appropriate, and lets us have a converstion about what it was and to learn what a more socially appropriate behaviour would be, which I put in my toolbox of things to do next time.

As for saying "pretty raw stuff", unfortunately, there is a fairly long lag between having a thought, and forming a tactful way of expressing it. In an argument, where rapid fire statements are flying about, this is next to impossible, so the (all too) raw thought comes out. I suspect he feels awful afterward, and thinks about what he should have said, but feels that it doesn't make any sense to bring it up the next day, for fear of yet another misunderstanding.

However, I do feel that Apergers is not an excuse to continue to behave like a jerk. Bad behaviour must be called out, and alternative actions suggested, so it doesn't happen again.

Hello motherofpearl, welcome,

I agree.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

thankyou for your kind words i have taken them board and will process them slowly , we have children and we have been married for 14 yrs and now having found that he has aspergers has answered thousands of unanswered questions , for me , but at the end of the day i have got to come to terms with is this, that although hes never been able to be of any surport to me , in regards the running the house and the stresses of finances , everyday problems with children , or my own personnal needs , (and i have really struggled with this ), its not because he wont or chooses not to , he cant , and never will ,
reading this back make me sounds very selfish , and im very sorry but this really really scares me , because although life will become a little more settled now , inregards of no more arguments and no more constant nagging from me , i now have to except that what ever life throws at us , im on my own , with no strong surport behind me ,
is there anyone out there in the same boat as me , how have you coped , ?

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Just ask yourself, do I really need to sustain the marriage? What will happen if I choose freedom over a stable relationship? Keep asking this...

thankyou hadnt thought of it like that xx