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zeldapsychology
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21 Jan 2010, 7:04 pm

I was thinking of making friends and constantly hear on WP of not having many friends or not interacting with others while growing up etc. but I was curious do you or have you tried to hard? One "friend" (or I thought was a friend) I hovered around and bothered alot at my first job (looking back perhaps she was more an acquaintance since she was someone you saw at work and that's it) Also I had a guy friend which I called constantly and mention perhaps hanging out (it just occured to me girls shouldn't do that I guess LOL!! !! !! !)

(This was the same "friend" that stabbed me in the back) (My Psychology teacher had issues with me I vented to him he mention violence and killing as a joke and I went along with him AS A JOKE!) So much for his friendship!! !! ! Back in Elementary School I'd do what other students wanted singing and making a fool out of myself and the other kids would laugh at me (I thought it was the song was funny not laughing AT ME!! !) So can anyone relate to trying to hard and how do you manage making friends now? (Sure I'm not in school/job now but sadly don't know where I'd start) (I've tried lets say hearing a group of guys talk about videogames I blurt out Ya the new Mario game was great. They stare at me.) :-( I'm so confused while AS has help me find myself and understand my faults it hasn't helped me fix or learn how to make friends. Any suggestions?



Paradox-db3
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21 Jan 2010, 8:02 pm

Good topic. I'm very good at meeting people and making *instant* friends, but suck at keeping them. I smother people. I am always trying to be aware of how crazy I come across, and then try to back it off a notch. But this usually leaves me feeling alone, since I feel I need way more human stimulation than others. I don't think I have an answer, except to find a friend who enjoys being around you as much as you do around them.



zeldapsychology
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21 Jan 2010, 8:33 pm

Sadly I smother aswell which lead to the coworker going to the boss and going to the teachers office daily lead to issues. :-( I haven't learned how to back off. :-( I'm glad you like the topic. :-) I wish I knew when to back off but I come on to strong and end up upsetting people. :-(



Paradox-db3
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21 Jan 2010, 8:59 pm

Here's a related question. And I'm not asking for any reason other than curiosity, so please don't misinterpret the question or its intent.

How do you think it would make you feel if you met a friend like yourself? I've often wondered this myself. Would I feel smothered or would I feel excited to have another friend like me? How do you think you'd feel?



zeldapsychology
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21 Jan 2010, 9:28 pm

Paradox-db3 wrote:
Here's a related question. And I'm not asking for any reason other than curiosity, so please don't misinterpret the question or its intent.

How do you think it would make you feel if you met a friend like yourself? I've often wondered this myself. Would I feel smothered or would I feel excited to have another friend like me? How do you think you'd feel?



If we are getting into sci-fi and cloning an exact ME! Than I'd probably kill myself or get away from me. I don't think I'd want someone like myself. Some slight interest of what I have a little bit here a little bit there sounds about right for a friend. But usually lets say for videogames there interest are games I don't even play and there interest of talking about X franchise I could care less about bores me to death!! !! Also while I find Psychology interesting I don't know theories etc. that I like, although I've heard of a few famous Psychologist and have research ideas beyond that I have no focus (I guess Psychology is a "narrow" interest) since I'm only interested in certain parts of it. Also I collect M&M stuff,Wolves,and Pepsi items I'd probably find collecting a certain item odd. (if it was out of the ordinary). That's a good question and it's kind of sad thinking on it that I wouldn't like myself. :-(



Alycat
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24 Jan 2010, 2:35 pm

Paradox-db3 wrote:
Good topic. I'm very good at meeting people and making *instant* friends, but suck at keeping them. I smother people. I am always trying to be aware of how crazy I come across, and then try to back it off a notch. But this usually leaves me feeling alone, since I feel I need way more human stimulation than others. I don't think I have an answer, except to find a friend who enjoys being around you as much as you do around them.
This seems to be the same as my approach to friendships. I always say that friends have a two year shelf life at the most, in that I've never had a friend last longer than two years, and they usually stop being friends with me a long time before that.
I'm always worried about the level of friendship I give. I'm either too much or too removed. I'm great at first meetings with people (well, when I'm in a good mood) but I just don't know how to keep friends.


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Pernicious-Knid
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25 Jan 2010, 4:54 pm

I find a lot of it really depends on the person one is making friends with. Sometimes I've had friendships that lasted for years, my record is 20, but I have a small number of true friends. Mostly I make acquaintances, I find it harder to really bond with people as I get older. Some of that is AS related, I don't always like going out and being in crowded noisy situations (parties, bars, clubs), even with people I know and like, and if they sense that, well, its not a friendship that lasts. These days so much bonding seems to center around partying and social networking, and I'm not into either.



Tim_Tex
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25 Jan 2010, 5:28 pm

I try hard.


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FreeSpirit2000
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27 Jan 2010, 3:33 am

My suggestion is just don't try too hard, because this will only make you look desperate infront of your peers and this will attract teasing/bullying more and more. Just find someone who you can click with and feel with comfortable with and people who will be comfortable with hanging out with you as well.



FreeSpirit2000
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27 Jan 2010, 3:36 am

Pernicious-Knid wrote:
I find a lot of it really depends on the person one is making friends with. Sometimes I've had friendships that lasted for years, my record is 20, but I have a small number of true friends. Mostly I make acquaintances, I find it harder to really bond with people as I get older. Some of that is AS related, I don't always like going out and being in crowded noisy situations (parties, bars, clubs), even with people I know and like, and if they sense that, well, its not a friendship that lasts. These days so much bonding seems to center around partying and social networking, and I'm not into either.


I'm into going to parties, clubs, etc and I am AS myself. I like having fun and living life to the fullest, because I am young in age myself.



Thellie
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27 Jan 2010, 7:05 am

I think many lack the patience. (of the people you meet).

And I mean no offense of it. My AS friend once said he was sure he'd be alone (no girlfriend) for ever and then some I said I was certain of the oposite. He just needs to meet the right girl. He then asked what would the right girl be. I answered as honest as I could and he chewed on it and said I was right.

I said he needs a girl with infinite patience and the ability to set her own needs and wishes in second row alot of the time. I elobarated more of course but.. he thought I might be correct.


In my experience (Im NT, most NT friends and two close AS friends), the AS friendships takes more understanding and patience from me. As they have their quirks, their moods and their "ticks" that I dont instinctivly get, I need some training to understand them. From my standpoint it has at times felt like I have to give alot more than I recieve. Once I understood that they arent able to "give" as much as me in a friendship it suddenly was OK for me. They give me attention and compliments and company when they can.


Like I wrote in a different post, I argued alot more with my AS friends in the start than with any others. All of the fights were based in a mis-communication. Either I read signals that werent there or they didnt pick up on signals and hints that I gave. Or I found them changing the subject rude. My advise to you would be to be a little bit more humble. If someone gives you critique, asks for space or maybe argues with you - it doesnt mean they hate you and it doesnt mean that hope is lost.

Like my mother once said - its the ones you love the most that you will be the most angry with. So dont be afraid of people being annoyed or seeming angry. You shouldnt provoke further of course, but try to open communication. Whats wrong, what did I do wrong and "Sorry but I didnt realise that you felt this way" can take you on the way to a closer friendship. When closer with someone they'll learn to understand you and will probably be ALOT more patient about your smothering excitement. :) If you are too scared and someone being annoyed will scare you away from the friendship altogether, then you're gonna have to start on scratch somewhere else.


(Then there is those nutcases out there that doesnt mind smotherness, like me. I myself thrive when I feel needed. It is good to have boundries, though..)



kissmyarrrtichoke
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27 Jan 2010, 7:16 am

I could do more, and I wish I could, but I can't. It takes a long time for me to get the courage to talk to someone. HUGE anxiety. I usually let people come talk to me, that is how I've made 90% of my uni friends. However, this rarely happens because they've already found their friendship groups and I'm just the quiet blank-faced one alone in the corner. I have found university very difficult because of this, even though I have apparently done far better academically than most people.


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zeldapsychology
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27 Jan 2010, 10:22 am

Thellie wrote:
I think many lack the patience. (of the people you meet).

And I mean no offense of it. My AS friend once said he was sure he'd be alone (no girlfriend) for ever and then some I said I was certain of the oposite. He just needs to meet the right girl. He then asked what would the right girl be. I answered as honest as I could and he chewed on it and said I was right.

I said he needs a girl with infinite patience and the ability to set her own needs and wishes in second row alot of the time. I elobarated more of course but.. he thought I might be correct.


In my experience (Im NT, most NT friends and two close AS friends), the AS friendships takes more understanding and patience from me. As they have their quirks, their moods and their "ticks" that I dont instinctivly get, I need some training to understand them. From my standpoint it has at times felt like I have to give alot more than I recieve. Once I understood that they arent able to "give" as much as me in a friendship it suddenly was OK for me. They give me attention and compliments and company when they can.


Like I wrote in a different post, I argued alot more with my AS friends in the start than with any others. All of the fights were based in a mis-communication. Either I read signals that werent there or they didnt pick up on signals and hints that I gave. Or I found them changing the subject rude. My advise to you would be to be a little bit more humble. If someone gives you critique, asks for space or maybe argues with you - it doesnt mean they hate you and it doesnt mean that hope is lost.

Like my mother once said - its the ones you love the most that you will be the most angry with. So dont be afraid of people being annoyed or seeming angry. You shouldnt provoke further of course, but try to open communication. Whats wrong, what did I do wrong and "Sorry but I didnt realise that you felt this way" can take you on the way to a closer friendship. When closer with someone they'll learn to understand you and will probably be ALOT more patient about your smothering excitement. :) If you are too scared and someone being annoyed will scare you away from the friendship altogether, then you're gonna have to start on scratch somewhere else.


(Then there is those nutcases out there that doesnt mind smotherness, like me. I myself thrive when I feel needed. It is good to have boundries, though..)




Wow Thellie it's nice to get an NT perspective on having an AS friend I wish my teahcer/coworker were more understanding like you. Good for you for having patience to understand your friend and there faults. Thanks! More NT's need to be like you!! !



Thellie
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28 Jan 2010, 6:02 am

I think alot others are like me actually. It took me over a year to reach any level of understanding at all, before then I would nag, be impatience, we'd have petty arguements and I would NOT understand why my friend would say yes to .. I dunno, go shopping with me for instance and then ditch me cause he was too into the sports results when we was ready to leave.

"But.. you said we'd go ten minutes ago? Whats changed?"

I didnt realise then that nothing had changed at all. Most likely he wanted to go with me, but one of his major intrests came onto the playing field and knocked me onto the sideline for a while. Now Ive learnt to sigh to myself and sit down and watch the "damned" results with him and throw comments about the correct bad teams and good teams. I didnt know squat about sports before.

I dont do it to manipulate him in any way though, but to me, sneaking myself into his "fixation" of the moment allows me to sneak myself onto the wavelength he is currently on and then its much easier to turn the tide a bit. "And that was the end of the hockey results.. maybe we should go shop now so we can make it back in time for the boxing match you wanted to see? We can buy some snacks for it while we're out."

And TADA! We have contact and my friend joins me for shopping. First year I knew him I would be insulted and feel ditched and leave without him. So. More work, yes. But worth it. :)



zeldapsychology
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28 Jan 2010, 9:47 am

That sounds great Thellie. :-) It's awesome you got into his special interest if only just a little bit. I remember when I was younger my dad would get into playing some videogames with me but sadly the controls have gotten all complicated for him. (We played Hang Time on Genesis and SSB on N64 but GCN/Wii which had Melee/Brawl the controls were too complicated for him) :-) (Plus he's busy working alot now adays. :-)