Things I hate at the moment. Spill your own.

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I have to let this out somewhere. To someone.

I hate the fact that only 5-6 people are coming to my birthday party.
I hate how I'm left out of this certian group of friends. I feel like they are pushing me away.
I hate that this one girl never hangs out with me anymore as she has ditched be for her snooty hipster "friends"
I hate the fact that I'm turning 22 and I've accomplished nothing.
I hate the conclusions I have come to recently: that I will always be wired differently and that I'm still an aspie.
I hate how even though I'm speaking at an international conference alongside Temple Grandin, there is another girl speaking who has more experience than me, is more talented than me and is likely a better role model.
I hate the fact that no matter how much I put myself out there, I can't get a mother*****ing job.
I hate my financial situation. Always without money and constantly bumming it off my parents.
I hate school. I hate my classes. It's third year. A blur of pointlessness.
I hate that I sleep all day and miss classes/plans/other stuff because my schedule is thrown off.
I hate how I always feel angry during lectures, knowing that everyone else is smarter than me, more motivated than me and are likely doing better in life than I am right now.
I hate how I would rather live in my dreams than in reality.
I hate how my best friend has to live in Florida and that I'm unable to see her again until May. My heart hurts because I miss her and love her so much.
I hate the fact that I have to drink and smoke weed to feel good and that I can't get this high from other activities.
I hate how the guys I want to fool around with this very second are inaccessible douchebags.
I hate how I always, always want to get laid and wish that I was asexual.
I hate how I use sex as a way to gain a false sense of power and as an escape mechanism.
I hate how one of the guys I like is a megalomaniac and a brown noser, but I can't stop falling at his feet.


Add to the list with your own personal vices.
I'm not looking for answers or solutions to the problems above.

But, through meeting other people and asking for help, I've learned not to replace or remove the negativity, but to complement it:

I would love to have the honor of speaking alongside Temple Grandin, even if I look like the worst fool.

I kinda share the conditions and views below though:
I hate the fact that no matter how much I put myself out there, I can't get a mother*****ing job.
I hate my financial situation. Always without money and constantly bumming it off my parents. --- but I am on my way there.
I hate how my best friend has to live far way and that I'm unable to see him again unless there are special occassions, - So I try to have comparable friends from who are here.
I hate how I always, always want to get laid and wish that I was asexual. - So I patiently wait, and continue to look for a girlfriend, who at first and foremost, I hope to be a true friend first.

So far, it's all a work in progress though. I am hopeful, and I'd be grateful if I can accomplish just one of these this year. particularly with making friends part - because I still believe, even though I'm lagging behind, that with and through true friends, my dreams can be accomplished, and a host of undreamt amazing things can happen.

I hate my exams. A lot.

(actually felt good writing that.... but I've procrastinated enough)

My manager and his manager. Yes, as far as I am concerned, they're THINGS.

Having constant meltdowns at work but having no choice but to keep going back there day after day.

Waking up in the morning knowing that the next few hours will be social/sensory hell.

The fact that my wife, who is my only support, is just kinda getting used to my daily meltdowns, while I never will get used to them.

Also when I say something in all seriousness that turns out to be crazy funny to the NT I said it to, leaving me feeling hurt and ridiculous.

I hate that it seems impossible to have meaningful, smart conversations.
I hate that I don't know why that's true, or whose fault it is.
I hate it that I don't really feel the emotion "hate" in the way that most people seem to. Or annoyance. Or frustration.
I hate Will Ferrell. No reason behind that, I just do.
I hate change.

I hate stupid people. Narrow minded people. Shallow people. Abusive people.
Well, that narrows it down, lol.

I hate that the man I am desperately in love with is married, and I can't do anything about it.
I hate that I still see him, expecting him to care about me.
I hate how cliché it all sounds

gender rules for clothing.

THIS IS MAKING ME REALLY MAD AND DEPRESSED!

this social rule is so unfair.i shouldb e allowed to wear what i want without fear.

I hate how I have a test tomorrow on the most boring sociology unit EVER. History of the family. Ugh.

I hate how my mom obsessed over everything and redirects every conversation that remotely relates to Asperger's (even general psychology related subjects) to criticising my traits and saying that I can come across as normal if I only made certain things my habit. It annoys me to no end. YES, I CAN APPEAR NORMAL WHEN I WANT TO. NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT RELATE TO ME. Jeez. Even if I want to talk about Asperger's, it means that I want to discuss it in general, but my mother doesn't get that. Which means that I have to stay away from discussing my special interests with my parents. Which is utterly STUPID, considering the fact that I heard my mom complain to her friends about how I rarely talk to her. I'm too scared to face her about it, because I think that she will say something very negative and critical, and then forget everything I've told her.

I hate how it's my birthday and I can't even do something for fun, because I have so much crap to study for and it takes me ages to do things because I get constantly distracted.

I hate how I'll have to stay up late tonight to study for the stupid test, and then have two other assignments to do, and another two tests to study for during the next 4 days.

On the other hand, I like how my friend just gave me "A Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood. It brightened my day.

I hate it that when I finally decided to trust someone they royally screw up.
I hate it that my insurance company has decided they won't pay for occupational therapy even though in the long run it's going to save a lot of mony.

I hate that all my friends moved away.
I hate that I'm not my best friend's best friend anymore.
I hate that I cannot move to be closer to my family.

I hate how I was not allowed to go to Russia alone just to talk to my grandmother for one last time, to try and understand her better, and now she's dying from a back injury. It's unfair. She's been always a mystery to me, and I wanted to understand why she behaved the way she did. She's one of the most misunderstood people I've ever known, and I was hoping that I could talk to her and make her feel better. Not on the phone, because she has hearing problems. Besides, there's so much more to face-to-face communication than just listening to each other's voice. On the phone, you run a risk of being misinterpreted. I f***ing hate my mother right now, she's always been so bitter towards my grandmother. She's an extremely shallow person, judging everyone and concerned about everyone's appearance more than about everything else. It sucks when the only people who fully understand the motives behind your actions are people who are not part of your family. I'm so sick of being ignored, especially when I want to reach out. I was genuinely hoping that my grandmother would be extremely happy to talk to me in person for one last time. I knew that something was going to happen to her because I kept having recurring dreams about her death for the past couple of months. I have nothing against Canada, but I feel like a shut-in in this country that still feels quite foreign to me, and always will...
Things like this just make you feel so powerless. I don't like feeling like a floater blown by the wind. I want to control the current, but as long as I'm under my parents' influence, I cannot do that. Once my grandmother dies, there is really no reason for me to go to Russia anymore. I wanted to go there for one last time, just to meet everyone and to see them from a new perspective that I've gained over the years. To take a trip down the memory lane with a renewed sense of self-confidence. And to compare the conditions of life there with my own. But I'm stuck here.