Worried about my future

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Suicide is bleak, but when you can forsee no useful future for yourself, it looks pretty darn good. I could never shoot myself, I knew one person who did that, too much mess to clean up. I couldn't hang myself, tried that once already. I think if I ever do decide to depart early for my maker, I might just put a garbage bag around my head. It would be the least traumatic of the options at my disposal for whom might find me afterwards.

It's a notion I struggle with on a daily basis here at school. I push myself hard to suceed, but my brain will have no part in it. As a result, the stress builds up, I withdraw to my room and block out the world to get rid of all the bad thoughts. My mind plays up these scenarios where I've graduated and I'm trying to find a job. All of these scenarios end up with me out on the streets, homeless and destitute. I've been tempted to ask GH about survival on the streets as he's an expert on such things.

I understand a disproportionate number of homeless people have aspergers, and knowing my capabilites and limitations, I could very well see myself ending up homeless too. Anyways I wonder why I even put up with it. Why do I disrupt my life for 8 months of the year to put myself through hell? And if I do achive my undergraduate degree, I don't even know if I'll be able to survive on my own.

Just some venting on my part. This all stemmed from a bad history of latin america midterm, despite the fact I studied for it. I still have till the 20th to drop classes so things are really not as bleak as I make them sound

I survived.

Hey Scoots,

You need to relax man. I was thinking like you for a while.Im about to graduate with an associates degree in information technology, I always thought you needed a bachelor's in the IT field, but it turns alot of people from my school got pretty jobs. I was also worried about how AS would affect my future, however about 3 months ago I was fired from my job as a dishwasher(big loss ), and between my job and my internship at the time, I was pretty worn out so i just took a lil vacation for a couple. But now Im out of money, so I've interviewed for two part time jobs, I am going for my third interview for the one job on thursday. The other one said they wanted to schedule a second interview they just haven't called me back yet.So despite my AS I ended up interviewing pretty well, I couldn't think of all the answers off the top of my head, but they were patient until I came up with an answer.I think main thing was my body language and eye contact. You can always pick up a good book on body language, it really helped me out. My body language,eye contact, and tone of voice were all signs of confidence. Things such as making eye contact, smiling and being friendly when you see your interviewer, and really emphasizing things when they ask you questions?

Do they have disability services at your school?? They could possibly help with some of these issues such as job interviews.


But whatever you do, don;t attempt suicide. You're bright kid scoots why wouldn't anyone want to hire you?

EDIT: You might also want to speak to a counselor at school about the issues you're having, as well as gaining more confidence in yourself.

Hey Scoots. Don't think about it too much. That is the key. If you screw up on a paper or fail an exam just try and think of the positives. You experienced something that will enable you to do better next time. Try and think of something positive that happens out of every failure or bad element of life. There is always something that can be learned. The worst case scenario.... you somehow manage to fail your degree and lose your home and end up on the streets living as a tramp? Well, imagine yourself in that scenario. Imagine being that tramp. You are high on crack and cheap cider. You have a mangey mutt as a friend. What are you going to do? Hell, I can't consider myself ever being there. I think about how awful it would be and how unlikely it is too!! !! For a start you don't drink. You don't do drugs. You are too concerned about being a tramp to ever be one. You are too clever not to get help from social services. Why worry about something that is not going to happen?

There are only a few things in life that you cannot redo or retry. Your degree is something that can be tried over and over. Suicide is usually a one trick pony.

Scoots,

I hope you stick around. I'd miss you if you left. And you are right, its hard on the family left, no matter how much you try to avoid that.

Maybe you can cut back to part time in school.

You are in a much different place than GH. You already have more education and a more stable employment history. But lets do take GH for an example.

GH's had a rough life. And he is no stranger to living on the streets. But I think he'd tell you life is worth it.

Thanks for letting us know what is going on with you Scoots. Hang in there.

BeeBee

I never know what to say when people get like this but BeeBee sums up how I feel. I would miss you your posts are always intersting and make me think of my younger self It took me 5 years to get through college maybe cutting back a little will help. Social services at your school might help relive some of yous stress.

Once you get into that mode of thinking, it's hard to get out, I know. I still find myself thinking awful thoughts (suicidal) all the time.
What helps is thinking of things I have yet to do/want to do.

Does all this help?
I hope it does.

Know where you are comming from. Hey, i am 13. I have a theory no living one day at a time BS live 3 days at a time then you find stability and happiness.

I have an idea how you're feeling. I worry that I will never get into a subsidised Apartment. I worry that I won't get into one, soon enough and that the Wait List is going to be at least three years long. I worry that I'm going to walk out of my Parents' front door, with Chico, out of frusteration and end up living on the Streets. That I'd decide that Victoria, BC would be the ideal city for me to be living in the Streets, so I'd take all my Money and take a Ferry, there. I may be Homeless, but I would sneak into Buchard Gardens, and I'd be able to see at least 2 Routemasters a day. Damn! Every time I type about a negative feeling that I'm feeling, I always end up seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's hard for me to go on, ranting. I was go on about wishing that I could fall asleep and not wake up, until I get into an Apartment, but that feeling has vannished. It might seem like I'm joking, with the part about Buchard Gardens, but I'm really not. I'd much rather be living on the Edge in Victoria, than coing crazy in my Parents' house. I could continue this in my own thread, before I go too far.

Maybe you should take a break. I mean take a rest or something it always helped me. Last Tuesday night my parents and I got into another one of our really flamed arugments and they kind of cornered me. They left me in my room with the door shut and I was frantic. I hate being not able to run. So the only impulse since I also have O.C.D. was to find anything with a cord and what I found was my iron that I keep in my room. I put it tied a noose and wraped the other one around a ceiling fan. At that moment I came to my senses and I took it down but I spent two hours laying on my bed with it deciding if I'm going to hang my self or not. Finally my dad came in and he talked with me. Things got back where they should be and my parents now have my iron. So calm down. Things will get better I hope for you.