Losing control...

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I think I have found what terrifies me so much about growing up, leaving home, making my own way in the world---there is no path for me to follow. If I am to go anywhere, I must forge my own path. It is this lack of control and uncertainty that scares me. I don't know what to do about it. I like to know what is going to happen and when, exactly when it is going to happen. Not knowing stresses me out.

I realized this today while painting. I am so afraid to change because I don't know what is going to come next. I have a routine that, while not perfect, is trustworthy. I know that I get up at a certain time, go to work at a certain time, read and do homework at a certain time, and go to bed at a certain time. There are minor changes with daylight savings time (which is really stupid, by the way), and with vacations and days off from work. Those I can work around because I know that the next day will be back to normal.

I am going to be attending a new university in the fall, and I don't know what it will be like, only that they have a program I am interested in. My parents just told me I would need to be on my own before I graduated in order to get real world experience.

I can do the school because that is routine. I am sure I could function on my own in my own apartment with my own routine. The thing that scares me is that I don't know what will happen AFTER I graduate. I mean, what does it mean to be a grown up? What does it mean to give things up to arbitrary chance? Is being grown up just like being how I am now, only working somewhere different? Is there really no difference between being a kid and being a grown up other than having to pay bills? When I graduate, is that it? Where do I look for a job? Will there even be jobs? How do I get a job that isn't for an hourly wage peon position? How do I know what to do? How do I do it?

I am sure it is a silly fear, but I just have this constant feeling of lack of control and it frightens me. I don't like not being in control. I do not like it one bit.

But I know I have to get used to it. I just don't know how.

Not a silly fear at all. All humans need the comfort of certainty to be free from anxiety. Uncertainty breeds anxiety, there is no way around it if you're a human. We're made that way. It probably kept us safe in the wild before civilizations began to form. And in some ways, it still does keep us safe.

I have the exact same fears, but thats why I'm going to stay in school for as long as possible . Seriously though, being grown up is exactly like being a kid, except for having to pay the bills. 'You' aren't going to change, just your situation. Jobs, those are hard to come by, especially good jobs. But, you'll find one. And even if you find a crappy one, you can always just stick around until the next opportunity arises. People change jobs many many times in their life before they find something that makes them happy.

I don't think there is a way to figure out how to get used to it. One simply has to 'get used to it'. I don't think theres any way around that. I think you would be amazed what you can endure, its just that you don't know you can handle it, until you go through it. Good luck with it.....

I know. It's a hard problem to solve.

Luckily, I am aware of my situation for the near future. I think things will go just fine.

However, I hope things improve with you.

This s not a silly fear at all in the slightest. I felt like this when I left university and felt like it when I walked out of my last job as not only did I lose my job but I lost my home too as I could no longer afford to live where I was and the landlord only allowed those were employed to live in his houses. Im currently living with my mother and grandparents but know I cannot be there forever, in fact the lack of independence is driving me up the wall despite the fact thatI am enjoying their company. You may get used to it one day and once you do you won't want to look back. So it isnt a stupid fear you are going through, I think many of us feel anxious about taking such steps, and I wish you the best of luck with it and hope you have better luck than me, most people do.