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EaglesSayMeow
Snowy Owl
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Location: Earth. Hong Kong or the US, probably.

28 Feb 2010, 10:01 am

So, I started at a new school six months ago, and since then I've come to realize that I might have been bullied, but I can never tell if I was or not. For once, it isn't that I am new, so I'm bullied, but this is the first time my classmates have treated me as an equal since I was maybe four years old, and I'm starting to wonder what actually is the norm.
To start with, there were two girls in kindergarten who would make my life a misery. Even back then, I couldn't tell sarcasm from the truth very well so they terrified me with some stories (they were 5-6, like me, and they did this up to first grade, since I switched schools after that)
The next school I went to, I went to for six years. I just switched this year. Back there, I think I was bullied quite a bit, especially in third grade, when I had to deal with somebody who loved to poke me and wouldn't stop bothering me, I'd tell the homeroom teacher, but nothing ever happened. Then, fourth grade was kinda nice, I made a 'friend' who made me sorta feel welcome, or at least not an outcast. However, I think that might not have been nearly as true as I thought. There were a group of kids there (she was the 'ringleader' of the group), and they would talk to me, but with a very obvious air of 'I'm just tolerating her', and even I could tell that I wasn't what they called normal. Then, fifth grade, they decided that they wanted to make me act normal. This ranged from helpful things, like pointing out to me when I was going on and on about stuff to things that I now realize might have been a bit over the line, like one girl who would dig her nails into my arm every single time I invaded her personal space bubble, which was about three feet wide in every direction for me, but didn't exist for everyone else. They could sit next to each other, why couldn't I? They could talk to each other, why did they think I was a freak? They'd tell me I was to my face, quite frequently, for two years straight. They told me that I was different, and abnormal, and they laughed at me, and the 'ringleader' kicked me once, and I never understood why, but it mostly wasn't physical, I knew hitting was wrong, but I always thought I was weird, and deserved to act like a servant to them, after all they put up with me, didn't they?
I never understood why I was singled out to be not like everyone else. About five sixths of the grade were exactly the same as me, American, middle class, not really fat, not really thin, female (all-girls school), and in general completely average, so why was I so different? Why could they make fun of me, and sometimes I think they'd use me, they'd make me carry things, their backpacks up to the seventh floor, and I wasn't allowed to sit next to them without them saying I could, but what could I do? At least they'd talk to me most of the time.
Recently, I've come to notice that's not normal at my new school, people don't openly tell me that I'm different, they're willing to invite me to their houses, they don't ridicule me to my face, and I'm just wondering if this is how life really is supposed to be? I thought I was different, and couldn't be normal, accepted. Now I'm just so confused.

To top it off, I can't speak to anyone about this. I don't have any friends here yet who I'm willing to confide in (I keep on thinking that they're just playing, they can't really like me, nobody back at home did for years, until I made one friend outside of school, and I thought she was just an anomaly) and I won't talk to my parents, they don't understand, they make friendships easily.
I don't trust adults, I had even nastier experiences at camp, like the one where it was overnight and there was a girl who would openly mock everything I did, from the size of my breasts to the way I'd calm myself down after she'd gotten mad at me (reciting a few phrases of a book over and over quietly) and there were about thirty kids there for a week and four adults, and I talked to all four of them, they saw her doing this and they didn't do a thing, so now I'm scared to go to other adults about this stuff, if they couldn't do anything there, and that was so bad I could TELL that it wasn't right, they obviously won't do anything for this, and I'm worried because I'm going back to that school in two years and the group has been getting meaner and meaner, and I'm worried what it'll be like in tenth grade, if in sixth they were willing to tell me that I wasn't normal, and I wasn't allowed to sit near them, or anything, I'm scared the 'ringleader' will really start something. I'm scared there'll be another kid like the one at camp, but somewhere for longer than a week, I don't know what I'll do. By the end of that week, I was crying more than I wasn't (not exaggerating here) and I don't know what I do wrong.

I just wish I was my brother, I'm always so envious of him, people don't hate him the minute they meet him. My parents never noticed this stuff, they notice academic problems but never register the social ones, so my brother gets homework help but I'm stuck on my own.

My life is so messed up right now.



LostAlien
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28 Feb 2010, 10:55 am

I hope I haven't misread this, I find it hard to read bunched up text on screen.

If you're in a school where people are being nice, try take it at face value. No one deserves to be treated badly, perhaps these kids understand this. Why would you have to move back to this other school where the bullys are?

I understand about your not trusting adults, I didn't trust them much as a kid either.

One thing that helped me in school was martial arts training, my martial arts teacher taught non-physical ways to deal with difficult situations as well as the usual self-defence thing. It also helped my confidence because respect was mutual in the classes. It may help you too. A good martial arts class should teach you how to deal with conflict and bullying better.



EaglesSayMeow
Snowy Owl
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Joined: 1 Nov 2009
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Location: Earth. Hong Kong or the US, probably.

01 Mar 2010, 7:36 am

No, I don't think you read it wrong. Sorry about the large paragraphs, it's a bad habit of mine.

I'm trying, I just keep on wondering, I'm used to being the outcast, and it's really starting to confuse me that people are being genuinely nice.

That's a good idea, about the martial arts

I have to move back. My dad switched jobs a year ago, and they sent us to Hong Kong, from the United States, and we're going home the summer after next. I've tried other schools, there must be something wrong with me, this happens at every school and every camp I go to, that's why I can't just take these kids at face value. I'm just scared they have something up their sleeves.

Academically, my old school was a very good match for me and I had some nasty (academic) experiences at the public schools, so I'm going back to that one because any other school would be worse, I can't go to most of the public schools, all the private schools around here are exactly the same, and boarding school would make things worse...