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Hi,

I am new to all of this, but I have a concern and am hoping maybe someone has had a similar situation. My boyfriend's son (almost 9) has characteristics that seem to align with asperger's. He is an average student. He doesn't feel anything for anyone (or so it appears). He doesn't hug. He isn't affectionate. He never asks anyone questions. He is socially ackward in most situations. The only humor he "gets" is potty humor. I am severly concerned for this child.

Neither of his parents think its a big deal. They think he is just "shy." I really would like them to get him evaluated. How do you go about doing that?



Thanks for any ideas,

Michelle

The things you've mentioned aren't very conclusive, but sometimes a third party has a fresh look on a situation that parents may have missed. Still, you can't really make any of these choices or assessments for the parents - they have to see it or see a need for it, and trying to get them to see it when they don't wish to can be really tricky.

If the child is AS and the AS is impairing his performance at school, the school can be asked to make an assessment. If there is no academic hook, you go through the pediatrician. Neither process is quick or easy; often parents have to really push to get it done, particularly when a child is high functioning and the condition isn't obvious to someone who sees the child for only a few moments at a time.

I think the best path for you at this point is to gently encourage the parents to read up on the condition. Meanwhile, you can get familiar with some of the ways AS kids require different parenting, and maybe gently encourage your boyfriend to try some of those ideas without linking them to AS. Continue your own reading and see if your gaining a better understanding of AS helps you in your relationship with the child. Remain aware that the label is not as important as what it acheives or fails to acheive for the child, and much of that can be done without the label. If parents can't stomach the label but are well enough tuned in to their child to understand his quirks and guide him well, then that is probably a fair path.

I appreciate the responses. I am trying to look into this as much as I can. I don't want them to have the "label" so to speak, but I think they need to start looking for some answers and help for this child. It has been a year and a half and he doesn't seem to be connected with anyone in his life. It is heartbreaking.

I am going to do some research on the neurotypicals. I m not sure I have even heard of that.

Thanks again!!

Michelle

Tracker, thanks for that perfect example of Aspie dry wit humor I had a good laugh

Michelle, to someone with AS, "normal" people make no sense at all, and are confusing, given that we react to non-verbal cues someone with AS doesn't see, and follow social norms that someone with AS either doesn't know exists, or finds illogical. That might help you get Tracker's joke.

And my apologies that those of us who have dealt with these issues for a while have a whole vocabulary that we forget may not be familiar to those new to it. I had never heard of anyone use the term "nuerotypcial" until I started reading on AS forums.

Actually, I think potty humor is more typical of a "normal" child a little younger than 9. It strikes me more as a little immature for a 9 year old than any sign towards or away from AS. But all through elementary school kids do laugh quite a lot about bodily functions. Which means ... the whole potty humor thing isn't a sign of much.

I think I may have been a little unclear. He isn't totally "into" potty humor or anything. It's just the only humor he seems to understand. Sarcasm is completely not understood. If he needs to make connections between things in a joke, he doesn't get it at all.

As for talking, he doesn't talk until he is spoken to. His answers are one and two word answers. He is obsessed with Hockey and legos and does very little else. He has no emotion for anyone, including his parents. He doesn't hug back when being hugged. He can't tell when people are annoyed with him. His speech is very monotonous. After a year and a half, I can't get close to him.

He won't try new things. If we ask him to do something he hasn't done, he just stands there until people do it for him or walk him through it step by step-- can't seem to think for himself.

Maybe it isn't anything like Autism or Aspergers, but from what I have read, it seems to fit more than anything else I can find!

Michelle

And I apologize for not getting the joke, LOL. It's actually quite funny and I had to laugh at myself for not getting it.

Maybe he is just a normal, quiet kid who hasn't learned to think for himself....but I think its more.

I, myself, have a son who has been labeled ADHD, PTSD, etc and has a ton of his own issues. My daughter is much more typical. She is the same age as my bf's son. In comparison to kids that age, he is very "not typical" at all.

It does sound like he has some AS traits. Is it also possible that he may be depressed or withdrawn because of his parents divorce? Just a thought. This is going to be tough if he is doing okay in school, the parents may not see the problem and think like you said that he is just shy. I agree with the other posters. Maybe if you read up on Asperger's and just try to suggest things that you think might help him to come out of his shell, that might be the best. Even if a doctor does diagnose him as AS, there is not much the doctor can do anyway.

Well, I don't actually want a "label" or a "disorder." In fact, I wouldn't consider aspergers a disorder at all-- just as I discount the labels for my own son as ADHD and PTSD. By being able to identify with others who have children that have been "labeled" with the same thing, however, gives me more education and methods to help this boy (whom I love) and help him reach his potential. Treating each aspect of his personality separately feels quite overwhelming for me-- so when I started reading about his lack of empathy and connection, I came across the idea of aspergers and things seemed to fit. My original intention was to find ways to help him and, in the mean time, came across this "label."

Odd, there was a post on here that my last post referred to, but it seems to have disappeared. Maybe I am just seeing things!!