More sister issues.

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Sorry but I love getting Advice/tips from the parenting board here so sorry once again. The rudeness from the 10yr. old is still a huge issue and she views things wrongly. Examples: Give me my phone (repeat 3 times) (raise voice GIVE ME MY PHONE!) OMG older sister yelled at me! (I asked nicely give me my phone and I apologize for yelling at her but like above I repeated it 3 times!! !! Later she was hanging on the Truck door mom said get off 3 times then raised her voice to the 10 year old. The 10 year old said ALL YOU DO IS YELL AT ME ETC.! WHY DID YOU EVEN ADOPT ME?! (This crushed my mom she was in tears on the way home) Things have gotten so bad mom has threatened to leave, said to the 10 year old "I can't wait until you're 18 etc." I'm sorry to ask for advice once again but the adopt comment really upset my mom and I am still shocked/upset as the older sister that OMG she said that! Thanks for advice/tips.

You're 24 years old and you're arguing with your 10 year old sister? Perhaps it's time for you to get your own place. No parents to yell at you. No rude little sisters. No drama. Really, it sounds like it's time.

I think the 10 year old girl is going through a difficult stage and you just have to excuse her. 10 is pre-teen and you can imagine all the changes she's going through physically and mentally. I understand you and your mom are frustrated but I would try my best to not take the things she says personally. I know she doesn't mean it.

When my son says hurtful things to me (for example: "what kind of mother are you!") it really hurt my feelings but I know he said it because I was telling him what to do. One time he even said, "I want to kill you!" when I put him in time out for being naughty. I was so shocked and hurt, that is the worst thing he has ever said to me. I cried of course, but in the back of my mind I know he doesn't mean it. When he's angry, he will say anything that comes to mind. He will usually say the most hurtful thing he can find because he thinks I hurt him. I think your sister feels the same way, so please try not to take it personal.

I don't blame you for raising your voice at her if she doesn't listen after 2 times of telling her something. It's annoying isn't it? She's just trying to push your mom's buttons by adding the adoption thing in it. Have you and your mom sit down with her while she's calm and tell her how hurtful her words are? How does she respond? I don't really have any advice but I remember being that age and feeling very emotional. Maybe she's going through a tough time at school and lashing out at home? Hang in there. I don't think you necessarily need to move out, your mom probably needs you around. You are right, it's tough to make it on your own, I know plenty of people who stayed with their parents after 25 by choice.

I think that malya2006 is right. My daughter is 9 and acts like that quite a lot. She's says thinks like she hates me/I'm evil/I'm a b***h/I must hate her... but I think it's not meant, just anger and fustration.

What you describe sounds a lot like what regularly happens between my son and daughter and I think they do it just to get a reaction out of the other and maybe a little in the hope of getting the other in trouble

First, I think the key point is that yelling is inappropriate. Period.

Second, Autism means that your sister is going to take longer - sometimes much longer - to process the information you are asking/saying. Give her MORE TIME to respond. I have heard many adults with Autism say that not being given enough time to respond was one of the biggest problems they encountered as a child (let alone as an adult).

Third, as someone else mentioned, it IS inappropriate to be arguing with a 10 year old if you are in your 20s.

Finally, it sounds like your family has a LOT of stress in your home, and that on some level your 10 year old sister is being blamed for this. I would suggest that it is not your sister who is causing the stress, but rather the way your family is communicating/relating with her. It sounds like your mom is really struggling and needs help. Are there ASD parent support groups she can join? An ASD education group she can attend to learn better coping strategies, and learn how to communicate appropriately with a child who's on the spectrum?

I am making some broad assumptions about your family based on what you've said, and I may be off-base. But it sounds like a stressful home environment and as much as stress affects typicals, it affects kids on the spectrum MORE. Your sister and her behaviour is not the problem here. Your family needs to reach out to learn better ways of being a family on the spectrum.

Zelda, I would suggest possibly treating the 10 year old more as a child and less as an adult. By this I mean, recognize that the 10 year old won't be reasonable like an adult might, and figure out how to work with that.

In the case with the cell phone, I'd suggest telling her once, politely, "would you give my cell phone to me please?" The reason to be polite is so that she'll have a good role model so she can learn to be polite, too.

If she ignores you, try not to get mad; ignoring adults is what children do best. Just go over and calmly take the phone away from her.

Obviously this only works if she's still substantially smaller than you are.

In any case, you might consider keeping your cell phone in a pocket or somewhere where the children don't get it in the first place. If your purse is free of molestation, that might be a place.

Finally, if it is realistic for you, I do agree with the poster that getting a job and getting your own place could help a lot.

Thanks for the help. and Psychosist you are right I'm the Aspie not sure of the 10 yr old or 8 yr old sisters (although the 8yr old has issues not sure what disorder she could have though.)

Well that certainly makes most of my advice a moot point - although I would still say a) arguing with a 10 yr old is futile, b) yelling is something I'm strongly opposed to in the home, and c) it still sounds like your mom is overwhelmed and needs help. You could talk to her about whether she is feeling overwhelmed and how you can help her, or whether there is a need to seek help outside the home.

Amen.

You know, the world can be a very stressful place for someone with AS for two reasons.
1. The primary effects of the neurological wiring (difficulty reading social cues and so on)

And

2. The fact that everyone tries to micromanage your life. Imagine, if everyone had so much of an issue with your personality and the way you did things, that they were constantly trying to "correct" you, and essentially change who you are. ANYONE would get stressed under this situation, and this is the situation that many with AS/HFA find themselves. They constantly have the pressure on them to act in a way that they are not wired to act, even as a matter of personality. (I'm talking specifically about the higher end of the spectrum here).

So they break down (as anyone would!) and act in the only way they know to act in response to this.

I'm not saying there aren't other behavioral issues that should be corrected, but there are so many things parents of children with AS or HFA should lay off of.

Hi Zeldapsychology, from what you have written both here and in the past it sounds as though your family needs some outside help, there are a lot of very difficult issues going on. You could try to find a local family center or a minister, or whatever psychologist/iatrist you feel you could trust. It is hard to get help here, although you are on the right track in that you are looking for help. It is difficult for us to know the "whole picture" as we can only imagine what is going on from your writings, which is only 1 perspective and only a small part of a larger story.

I believe that all parents try to do the best they can for their kids. Some parents, due to their own limitations and issues, need more help than others. It is never ideal for a parent to yell at a child, but it does happen. Parents are role models, and parents who, personally, have a hard time managing their own emotions are not effective models and their children will have hard times learning to effectively handle stress and emotions. What your mom said was mean. What your sister said was mean. Both were feeling hurt at the time and neither had an effective strategy for dealing with the hurt. You are correct in that you are seeking for outside advice, but I really feel you need to sit down with a person face to face and describe the entire situation, internet advice is very limited.

As for your sister needing to be told things at least three times, it is possible she really just doesn't hear the you. She may be "zoned out". When making a request try by first getting her attention, "Sister's Name --I need you to listen to me." Sister's Name - It is important that you XX now." "Sister's Name it is important that you do XX now because...." If she doesn't respond then say, in a slightly louder voice, "Sister's Name did you hear me?" Don't say this in a mean way, but as if she really didn't hear you.

As for your sister feeling like all people do is yell at here, this is a very common, and painful, feeling for a person her age. Make a sincere effort to point out, reward, praise, ANYTHING at all that she does well. Praise pays in lots of ways.

Good Luck