Disillusioned Parents

Post Reply New Topic

Well, I have two different points of view with which to depose your cousin's arguement. Yes, I have met parents in my time working with children who have caused me to be very frustrated. I'm a teaching assistant with prek and k aged children. Currently we have two children with autism in our classroom and two more I believe are on the spectrum. The teacher I work with is really bad with parents, but in her defense, over our years of working together she's learned to have me as a backup-intermediary at conferences as she knows things can go badly very quickly when she goes it alone with parents who have children with problems.

There are two reasons children have problems...teachers don't always realize there's more than one reason for a child to have a problem. Like a few years ago when I asked my daughter's fourth grade teacher why her spelling was still so bad and why she was still reversing letters and he suggested we read together at home (which we've been doing since she came out of the birth canal). Sometimes bad parenting is the reason children have problems. The other reason children have problems is because they have a disorder they were born with. Like as or autism...ADHD...dislexia, etc. I've seen both sides of this story as a parent who has sincerely worked so hard to provide for and help to educate my daughter, and a teacher who's seen and empathized with parents who, however they are coping, have children with problems. The first parents we had to tell their child had a problem (turned out it was AS), didn't speak to us after her son left our room and sent her second son into another class. Her third son is with us, the most well adjusted of the three boys. It's HARD as a parent to hear your child (especially a first born) has problems. This parent has done great. She totally did what this mother did except with musical talent. She exploited his musical talent. He's practiced, taken lessons and worked hard, and he's a very good...perhaps gifted, musician now. He came to play in our classroom just last year. That didn't mean when he went to his new classroom (after four years in a Montessori lower elementary classroom), that he didn't refuse to go to school, have all kinds of stresses, and have serious problems. I don't know if his mother tells him there's more to life than music, but I do know that music is his safe place. With this boy it's the same....math seems to be his safe place...do you know how difficult it is to do square roots? i can't I'm an adult. That's a gift. Mom should exploit it, and encourage him in it.

This past year my own daughter was finally diagnosed with AS...after years of wondering what exactly is wrong (she has wondered as well why she's different). She also won the geography b in her seventh grade social studies class. She loves social studies and geography. She wants to be an archeologist....she could use that gift to become an anthropologist...etc. I don't tell her she's a genius, but I do think she has so many times each day when she doesn't feel smart enough. She loses things all the time. This makes her feels stupid. She's hard on things and they break. She's clumsy and she falls down. Luckily she's an amazon, so she isn't bullied much in a way she notices (she's taller than kids her age), it's more subtle, luckily for her subtle is something that goes right over her head. She takes a long time to read things....so that makes her feel dumb and as she said once this year, "I have to remind myself to pay attention in class and sometimes I forget to remind myself, and miss half the class." And this is on meds. And yet because she's bright....she doesn't qualify for anything but mainstream...which is difficult for her really, though she does have a 504 plan.

As a teacher who's seen both sides (as a parent and a TA who's always involved in conferences), I do get a little warn with teachers blaming parents for not doing enough. I know sometimes this is the case, but not as frequently as we make it out to be. Sometimes kids have problems. I see parents working so hard to manage kids with problems, but managing is difficult...coping from day to day...hard. I wish sometimes the school system was more compassionate and more helpful. It took two years, lots of testing and so many calls to the school just to get my daughter (who passes EOG tests) a 504 plan. I don't like to be pushy, but I had to be.

I sit in on conferences because while I work with a really good teacher, she is a terrible diplomat, and has ended up in yelling matches with parents before. I adore working with her, she's great with kids....but not adults. Maybe that's the case with your cousin. Problem is....teaching is a partnership, not just with the child...but also with the parents. Caring relationships need to be established with parents. Screaming at them does nothing to reach this goal. It's unacceptable as a professional educator to yell during a conference. You just can't. I don't know if she needs a new career (she's probably great with kids), but she does need a new outlook...new attitude, and just a tad of a compassionate perspective for parents of special needs children who are doing what they can with what they have.

AMEN! My sentiments exactly. "You reap what you sew."

Any talent should be nurtured but according to my cousin who is the teacher, the kid's father taught him a little parlour trick with the square roots in order to impress the faculty into believing he doesn't need special services because of his own shame in having to pick up the kid at the Van drop off. There's more to it than what I posted. I have no opinion on it at all. I'm just my cousin's gripe cushion. It's a weird scenario!

Ok that defines it for me! I hate to say it because she's your cousin, but she doesn't sound like a very good teacher. She's taking the one (specified) strength this kid has and instead of building on it she's belittling it as a parlour trick. No wonder the parents are defensive. She's essentially telling them that she thinks their son doesn't actually have any skills because the skill he's got is not "all there is to life" and "a parlour trick". Instead of doing that, she should embrace his talent, nurture it, and use it to help his areas of weakness. If she would stop belittling his areas of strength she would probably get a lot more co-operation from his parents about help for his weaknesses.


What do I think she should be doing? Accept that yes! he is good at math. This is a strength. Stop belittling it. Once she stops doing that maybe the parents will get less defensive and rejecting of her IEP recommendations. Then, use that strength to approach his weak areas. His weakest academic area seems to be reading. He can't be mainstreamed if he reads at a 1st grade level when he's 11. He'll be overwhelmed by the reading demands. But I bet she's ignoring math as a way to help him with his reading. Maybe she could engage him more fully in his reading lessons if she created booklets for him to read that were all story problems. He can't remember content now? Try writing a story problem and see if that improves his comprehension because it builds on something he's already familiar with.

Now let me stop and take a moment to thank the excellent teachers my daughter has had over time. Thanks, daughter's Sped teachers! Thanks for never once dismissing my daughter's strength as unimportant or a parlour trick. Thanks for instead saying at the IEP meetings, "we've noticed that she has a strong rote memory and a strong memory for visual learning over auditory learning so here are our IEP recommendations that use those strengths to help with her weaknesses." I didn't appreciate just how lucky my daughter has been to have people who didn't think I didn't love her if I said "maybe we should do it this other way". If they disagreed, they made a strong case for their way with no yelling and no belittling of the things she can do well. And I took that for granted but now see she dodged a bullet by not having a teacher such as this.

In some cases I really think it's some sort of parental guilt. Like they did something to get a child that isn't 'normal' or 'whole' (at least as far as they're concerned). They want so badly for their kid to be like all the other kids - and even better - they'll lie to themselves and pretend if they just pretend their kid is 'okay' - they'll wake up one morning and the kid will be 'normal'.

There are a few parents at my daughter's school that refuse to even entertain the idea that their child is autistic to some degree. It's sooooo apparent even my daughter (who is ASD) can pick them out without a problem "Mom - he's waaaaaaaay Aspergers..." I have had to tell her NOT to say that to the kid because he/she may not know and their parents might be upset is she says it to them. "But Mom - he's worse than me!" Don't know what to tell ya girlie... Just don't mention it to them.

I really do feel bad for those kids - their parents are in denial and the kids will be the ones to suffer in the end. They will not get the support and education they need and the parent will blame the school and the kid will blame themself.

Like many posters has mentioned, your cousin is in the wrong field. She should NOT be working with children with disabilities. She obviously has a vendetta against parents like the one she dealt with and is now putting the child down, which is extremely inappropriate. She is acting as if she is an advocate for the child against his mother who has high hopes for him, but instead she is pretty much calling him a loser. Imagine how she treats him in the classroom when the parents are not there? Maybe she needs a vacation or to get out of the education field all together, flipping burgers maybe?

On another note, I do not agree with parents who can't see their child for who they are. This puts unnecessary stress for the child. Sure he can be great in math but he won't survive in the real world. A person has to be very well rounded to make it in this world. My son is in an inclusion class right now and they want to mainstream next year. One teacher and over 20 kids in class. I can already see him drowning. I am trying to get him placed in a smaller class and more services. The teachers are denying it. I could care less if my son is in special ed his whole life. I am already so proud of him for everything he's accomplished.

I feel like the school should be able to alter their curriculum based on the child's unique way of learning. That's all it is, a "unique way of learning," not so much a disability. Why do schools concentrate so hard at creative writing and abstract thinking when a lot of kids have such a hard time with it. It makes smart kids fail just because they are better at math and science than reading and writing. This creates a low self-esteem and potential dangerous behaviors in the future. Why are they not nurturing his talents? Do they care about this kid's personal development or just getting him by to the next grade level?

I don't think anyone's right or wrong, I just think people need to open their minds and think about what's best for the child, which is so seldomly done.

btw, any teacher that thinks a child has an "inability to learn" probably doesn't know how to teach. even children who are mentally disabled are able to learn. it is true that it is very difficult to teach a child with different abilities but that's why we have "special" education and IEPs.

Actually, I don't think your cousin is in the wrong field. Kids that are good at only one subject and very poor at others shouldn't be mainstreamed or should only be mainstreamed for the subject that they are good at, if that option is available.
If the mother thinks that just because of her child's "normal" ability in one subject that they are ready to be fully mainstreamed, then she is wrong and she needs to be told that this just isn't the case. She needs to face the reality that her child still needs to be in special education classes. Yes, that reality is brutal and a shocking blow, but your cousin shouldn't cater to the mother's wants just to make the mother feel better.

Also, remember that special ed teachers are human just like every one else and not above having a good b***h when feeling frustrated. Would you tell a wife who bitched to her friends about her husband's lack of helping around the house that she was a bad wife and doesn't deserve to be married? Of course, not. Let this woman let off some steam about the frustrations of being a special ed teacher without judging her ability. Besides remember, we are all hearing this information second hand and not from the special ed teacher herself. Things may not really be the way the OP wrote about them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the kid should be mainstreamed or that some of the points the cousin is making isn't true. I know plenty of parents who are embarrassed of their child's diagnose and rather have their child appear "typical" as opposed to needing special help. My point is, without parents who believed in the success of their child, there would be no Temple Grandin, there would be no Bill Gates etc. These kids would only get by in life at a bare minimum with no one to push them for greatness. I believe in a positive attitude, but not at the expense of putting a child where he doesn't belong. I feel that the cousin though, should really take a break, she seems very burnt out to the point that she is classifying most parents who believe in their child as someone who is disillusioned. She may only be seeing one side of a child in a class environment. School is very stressful and he may not be able to preform at his best in that environment, if he was relaxed and had people that actually seem to understand him, maybe he IS brilliant, maybe he's not, but who is she to make that determination. At my son's doctor appointments, the doctor will frequently say, "you can tell he's not there," I told her that he may look as if his mind is wandering around but he's hanging on to every word we are saying right now because as soon as you walk out of the room, he will ask me about the conversation we just had. Anxiety, fear, being uncomfortable will effect a child's ability to perform in school or in public places. So maybe the mom is seeing something the teachers aren't.

We all vent about the people we deal with at our jobs. I work at a bank and if I were to judge everyone that comes in to say there's a bank error on their account and we need to fix it, then I would be wrong. 98% of people cause their own financial problems, in the other 2% there is legitimate bank error. But if I go into a situation and assume that 100% of people are at fault, and not even considering the 2% then I shouldn't be working where I am now. Anyone coming in to see me should have a clean slate and I should give them the benefit of a doubt that they could possibly that 2%. Maybe they are the 98% but is legitimately confused about what happened. My job is to teach them how to take control of their finances, not play the "blame game."

Instead of assuming the mother is embarrassed by her son and don't care about his well-being, or disillusioned, why doesn't she help his mom understand because maybe she is legitimately confused about her son. Autism is a very complex diagnose. I feel that in most cases there are always issues between the school department and the parents. I called an IEP meeting because I didn't like the way things were going at my son's school. I wanted to discuss some issues and also add some accommodations and goals. I felt immediately threatened by them as soon as I came in the room. They seemed very defensive and on edge when all I wanted to do was talk about my son. They shot some of my accommodations down and when they explained why, I agreed because I trust that they are the professionals, if it doesn't work their way, I would come back to my idea, but I gave them the benefit of a doubt. My point is I am a very easy going parent that just wants the best for my kid and wants him to succeed because I know he can! The school department made me feel like I wanted the stars, skies and moon and they weren't going to budge, and this is before I uttered a word. They have preconceived notions about parents of special needs kids which is evident by the things the cousin has mentioned. Then the parents believe they know what's best for a child but they don't have any degrees in education. It goes both ways and we should all take a deep breathe and relax!! There ARE really some good parents out there who really want to help their kids!! There ARE also good teachers out there who wants to help the parents help their kids!!

When the concept of "Special Ed" was first conceived, it was based on the idea that the children in those classrooms would not be able to accomplish even half of what the "normal" children were able to, so the focus was less on learning and more on short-term comfort. In many cases, the children weren't even educated at all.

Now that's changed a bit, considering the enrollment of children with milder disabilities into the Special Ed system. However, many Special Ed teachers still have that same mentality. "Here Tommy, read this "Run Dog Run" book. Oh, I know he's six years behind in reading, but who cares?" As a result, children with milder disabilities often recieve sub-par education because the administration are still working on the assumption that any child in Special Ed won't amount to anything. Which is why parents are often told to mainstream their child, even if the parents believe that their kid needs help. The teachers already know what's going to happen if the kid gets roped into one of these programs. Once they're in, it can be very hard to get them out.

When a child is first diagnosed, the first instinct that the parents have is to contact other parents with children of the same age and diagnosis. In reality, this is like the blind leading the blind. Being perfectly honest, they don't know what will work in the long term. No idea. If they were to talk to various adults with ASD of various success levels, they could try and determine what will work and what won't. But at this point, all they know is what other parents tried. If all of their new found friends insist that Special Ed programs work wonders, that's probably what they'll try. Often, it's the parents that were pushing so hard for their kid to be in these segregated remedial programs in the first place, even if they complain about it now.

Fast forward five years later. Their kid is getting older, and their skills don't seem to be improving at all. Crunch time is coming up. If their kid doesn't completely catch up by high school, their chance of getting any post-secondary education will be flushed. They are in panic mode. They are thinking to themselves "Maybe we made a mistake". Regardless of whether the child's difficulties are innate, or the result of lax teaching, they are probably going to point the finger at the teacher once they realize that their child did not grow in leaps and bounds that was originally promised by all of those parents and ASD help books.

If anything, I believe that these parents might be more angry at themselves than anyone else. They're trying to compensate for under-estimating their children those years ago by telling themselves that it isn't too late for mainstreaming, and that their child is some sort of hidden genius. "If I abruptly mainstream him, then he'll be forced to catch up". In reality, at age 11 or so, mainstreaming might be out of reach. If they've been in the "special" system for too long, sometimes the barriers have more to do with self-esteem and motivation than actual academic aptitude.

I agree with Katie, once one gets in the special education it is very hard to get out. Also special ed doesn't mean often specialized program for you child only but kid is often amoung other special needs children that have different problem so curriculum is somewhere in the middle (with is of course less than a average for mainstream school) so he lags more and more every year. also if the child is supouse to learn social skills is it wise to put him in a class with kids that are not typical and all require different communication models?

disclaimer: i've seen special ed just for pre-k so maybe grade-school is better.

one more thing: special ed works it seems on a time-scale of decades. time obviously doesn't mean much there so accountability is really difficult.

What makes you feel that special is heard to get out of? I live in Jersey City. The demand for special needs services is so great, that they want you to leave as soon as you're able to be mainstreamed. It's not a trap. It's NOT fair to the GE students when a child is placed with them and is not ready. It's not fair to the child or to the rest of the class. More time goes into redirecting that one child while the teacher should be teaching. In special ed, they have the time to do that. In special ed, the kid will be much safer because NT peers can be horrible. Other special ed kids can be too but the classroom is smaller and there's more control.

what makes me think is my experience, we wanted to get out and not do their services, they put 3 meetings more than 1 h each. now papers from the meetings say that even if we refuse iep services they recommend they can be implemented when he starts K. okay they recommend him for mainstream school but with iep. we don't want iep because whatever they did with him it doesn't work. before that they spread services from speech which was his main problem to fine-gross motor skills, psyc. basically wandering around trying to put him in a square hole. they constantly didn't listen so my take-home lesson is to hire private services where i can get accountability and switch if things do not work.

my son also goes to regular daycare and occasionaly he had time-outs and misbehaves but rarely so he is not disruptive. i know kids (NT or AS) can be awful but like i said he didn't have problems among other nts in his regular daycare. they think he is stupid but he does not care (that is a part of his problem, he really doesn't care much for anything). i don't care if he doesn't care. when he starts to care we'll try to find a solution.

anyway not to blab about my case, i was shocked with resistance we faced when wanted to discontinue special services. we live in illinois.

I'm afraid this analogy does not work. A wife venting to her friends about her husband is a personal relationship. A teacher's relationship with students and parents is a professional one. Discussing issues with her colleagues in a professional manner, is fine. Going to one of her friends with generalized complaints about parents of autistic kids, is crossing the line between personal and professional. Sure, it's great to vent. That doesn't make it right in all circumstances. It's easy to vent and rant and tell yourself you're just letting off steam. It's much harder to live up to the distinction of being a professional, maintaining an open mind and a positive outlook, and doing what's best for your students rather than what's best for your own ego.

When I send my kids to school, I expect that their teachers will show respect for us by not ranting about their opinions of us to their friends. THAT'S called professionalism.

I don't think that is realistic. Everyone needs to rant somewhere, to someone, otherwise it builds up and comes up at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate way. Hopefully, they do it without names, or any other identifying factors, of course.

This is true only if you have a narrowly defined concept of what the teacher "should be teaching". Please read this series of posts beginning with "what is autsim": http://momnos.blogspot.com/2010/03/toas ... on-in.html

That is the most compelling argument I have ever seen for inclusiveness. It shines a light on what is truly possible when you have educators who really GET IT.

Not fair to GE students? Hmmm. I think this is beyond fair. Imagine what the world would be like if all kids learned this kind of compassion and tolerance and open-mindedness in school. Which would you rather your NT kids achieved by the end of the school year? A few extra chapters in their math textbook because they didn't have an ASD kid to distract them, or a brand new enlightened perspective on humanity because they DID?