I'm looking in a mirror

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I recently met a man who really reminds me of myself. I think he, like me, has Aspergers. And a really similar self-image.

Two of my friends who've met him both spontaneously, separately, volunteered the same thought after just one meeting. He avoids eye contact, is poor at turn-taking in conversation, makes typically inappropriate comments when part of a group conversation and I reckon has low self-esteem and a poor idea of how to project himself effectively with other people. He is actually rather handsome and well-read and is University educated, but is reduced to doing the most menial of jobs - as a volunteer - and suffered last week, in front of me, a tongue-lashing from a bossy, younger, far-from-perfect-herself, salaried manager when he second-guessed one of her work calls. He didn't answer back. He's put in hours and hours of back breaking work for her over the last couple of months, full-time, and, when I saw that I wanted to say "you'll never win - just walk away from it all now". The manager then did nothing to help him salvage some dignity from the situation and I know how humiliated he must have felt. She's really fallen in my estimation, but that's another story.

I am struggling with my feelings for him. They're mixed. I'm afraid there's a big dose of 'God! It's me! Now I see how annoying I must have been'. Flashback city. (At school, university and some places I've worked, I always felt like I was the only person who hadn't been handed, at birth, a copy of the handbook 'How to Act Normal and so Not Get Bullied'). I know it's nasty to say, but he's a little whiffy - (who wouldn't be if they put in 8 hr/day of manual labour and then goes back to a room in a shared house with limited washing facilities, and probably with very little money to spend on grooming to boot?). But then he'll remove his sweater and sit with his hands in his armpits. He made a really bad impression on me when we were together alone once - a situation which he could have used as an opportunity to impress me. After messing that up by not looking me in the eye, not offering to get me a drink, showing me a puerile book he'd bought, he then asked me on a really unfun-sounding date - in front of three people.

I know it won't work if I go on a 'pity' date with him, but I want him to know that I think he's like me and that he shouldn't sell himself short. I'm a fine one to talk as I sell myself short and fail to project myself well too. I know this reads like I'm not that nice. But I do want to help him. It's almost as though if I don't try to help him I'd be betraying myself as well as him. This is all quite big for me. In (my always disastrous) relationships in the past I've always been the one who gives up my power too easily. I'm not used to playing the Saviour.

Thanks, both of you.

One thing - I am sure this guy - in his forties - definitely knows he's got a problem relating to people. His body language, his acceptance of boring, demeaning, intelligence-inappropriate, voluntary work - all says it. Agreed, maybe he wouldn't like to admit it to me.

What I'm really getting at in speaking of the conflicted emotions of pity, contempt (I've got to be honest) and warmth that I feel towards this man - is that I'm a classic case of someone who only wants to join a club that wouldn't want them. It has often been said to me that I'm arrogant, ungrateful and unrealistic about life in general - career and relationship prospects - and I agreed. As a result, I tried for years to make a relationship work with a man who (with the benefit of that magical thing - hindsight) I'd never seen eye-to-eye with, admired or even felt attracted towards. I let him steamroller his way into my life, when he was hurting from his previous girlfriend's rejection of him, because I thought that was the best I could do. He'd never let me go but then, when he was ready, he moved on, making out it was all my fault. I've now been living for years with a massive scar-tissue of self-loathing as a price for letting my drawbridge down and feel cheapened and broken.

I'm thinking that this guy could be my key to self-awareness and that I should therefore embrace the chance to spend time with him as the 'price' for getting it. And doesn't that make me sound like a b1tch?

I guess that 'normal' people, not encumbered with self-loathing, are attracted to - rather than repelled by - people who they recognise as being similar to themselves. And so they go on to become socialised as they see themselves through others' eyes.

But I also know it's dangerous to be friendly towards guys and say 'I want to help/learn about myself - but I don't want a relationship'. I did this twice - once as a teenager, once in my early 20s - and both times it ended in me being physically and verbally assaulted by them - AND getting no sympathy from anyone in my circle, male or female, who saw it as being my fault.

OP, first I urge you to give yourself a break and get some help regarding your self-loathing. Self-loathing is a terrible burden, but you're the only one who can lay that burden down.

With regard to the issue at hand with this co-worker, I suggest there are at least three things you need to do: decide what it is you want (figure out if you're truly interested in him - without all the guilt and value judgments crowding out what your gut is telling you); communicate your decision to him; have some type of intervention with him regarding his behavior (that "intervention" doesn't necessarily have to be a face-to-face meeting - it could easily be a letter).

I really encourage you to talk with this man about his behavior. He may not know he is Aspie; he may have never heard of Asperger's. But I'm sure he realizes that he has a problem, and I'm sure he suffers greatly because of it. I'm not suggesting that you owe it to this man to have a relationship (romantic or platonic), but I do think you're morally obligated to show him the kindness required to discuss his behavior and/or condition with him. Most people in his life have probably viewed his behavior and thought, "Well, what kind of reaction does he expect? His behavior is horrendous - he's done this to himself." But they don't realize what you do: there's a reason he behaves the way he does; it's not his fault; and he can be coached to improve his social skills and level of functioning in society. I understand that you're not sure if you want to take responsibility for his rehabilitation, and I'm not suggesting you do that. But it would be a good idea to provide this man with some resources that could help him: support groups, social services, WP, etc.

I know there is an element of emotional risk involved here - but you could change this man's life. I suggest that makes it a worthy endeavor.

I think you should chuck aside all thoughts of learning about yourself or changing him and choose to be his friend. Simply (and complexly, for someone with AS), be a friend. Be upfront with him that you do not want a relationship with anyone right now, but that you are happy to have a friend, and to be a friend. Then do just that: be his friend in the most sincere and real way possible. Being a good friend will eventually and naturally allow difficult topics - like if he is AS - to open up.