ehhhhh

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I've already posted about how I've been doing the friends with benefits thing with this gorgeous bipolar girl for the last two weeks. Last night, however, it took a turn that I had already been anticipating, but I didn't think I'd really get flustered by it so much. We both mutually revealed that we care about each other in more ways than just this FWB thing, and before we had sex for the second time that day, she said something like "are you sure you want to do it now? I'm in vulnerable girl mode and it's going to be different." I told her I was just horny, but being the charming guy I am, I convinced her to do it anyways. Well, it was extremely passionate and not FWB feeling at all. In fact, in retrospect, this whole thing hasn't felt like an FWB situation.

I'm not sure if it's because she's bipolar and super intense, so this is just the way she is with guys, but really, I have no idea. I'm getting shamefully good at faking emotional connections when I don't understand them myself. I actually do care about this girl (it's hard to divorce the sexual feelings from how I actually feel about her), but really, we have nothing in common. I like science oriented things and I'm an intensely logical/abstract thinker. She likes to talk about astrology, palm reading, poetry, feelings (don't they all, lol), and things I just don't care about/understand. Regardless, I like her vibe and I like that she likes me for me. I like how intense she is with me.

However, she's ridiculously shy when it comes to dropping the L-bomb and when I think of getting in something more exclusive with this girl, I get a bit depressed. We try to pretend it's an FWB thing, but then we get in these conversations about not getting invovled with other people and how we're gonna do a lot of cool things this summer. She's younger than me (24 vs. 20) and girls at that age are like butterflies that flit around from man to man. I'd definitely get crushed eventually and for really no reason. Except the physical attraction, I feel like what I actually like about her has been something I constructed. If I actually liked this girl's personality without having to think about it (and not just the fact that she likes me for who I am), I'd feel like it's worth the eventual crushing. This isn't the case, though.

I'm not gonna call her tonight, and by this time, I don't think she's gonna call me either. Regardless of how much she melts whenever I look at her, there's a possibility she's aware of the damage we could cause each other and she also only likes me in a physical way, but has forced herself to find things in me that she likes. She acts like a girl that's been swept off her feet, however, and that's hard to fake.

Besides, I have become insanely good at seducing random women, why would I let some girl I have to force emotional connections with bring me into a relationship like this. I should probably just go spend time with some emotionally healthy girls that don't fall in love with guys in 2 weeks and forget about this chick. How affectionate and touchy she is in public is just not normal and that look of total vulnerability whenever I look at her both attracts and scares me.

I had things going so well before I met this one. I typically do not think about a single girl so much.

Some people have qualities that just keep our attentions more, even if they're not quite so good for us. Heck, you're a great example of that, lol.

If it were me, I'd try to resist escalation any further for a while, and let time ride things out. If, over some time, you don't change your mind, and you feel the same, then maybe it'd be a good idea to ease up and allow it to escalate. Furthermore, maybe, despite your ability to pull her strings, you're actually reading some elements about her wrong. In that case, time will allow more opportunities for her to take actions, which risk far less misinterpretations than other stuff like words.

Yeah, I'm gonna go play xbox with her (how cool is that, lol) and just hang out this evening. Hopefully nothing sexual. I use sexuality as filler when I run out of things to say and things that should be awkward aren't, but are just sexual tension. It sort of sucks when you want to just get to know someone. She was all excited sounding when I picked up the phone, too. The vulnerability aspect of my dynamic with this girl scares the hell out of me. I'm not gonna lie, I feel kind of vulnerable, too, because there's a possibility she doesn't like me for more than sex. She alledges that I don't like her for more than sex, but it's not quite the case. Yesterday I realized "holy s**t, this is a really sweet, gorgeous girl" and a switch went off in my head.

Words are awful things, btw. Never trust them in any interaction with women besides the serious version of "no."

Yeah, I've personally developed a measure of skepticism in that regard... But that could easily be taken too far. By not taking women at their word, we start delving into chauvinism. Personally, I kinda struggle with identifying that theoretical line... Sometimes I see women act utterly contrary to how they talk, but then there's the rest of life. So that's a tough balance, there.
Well, at least I'm aware enough to watch out, I guess. *shrug*

Regarding your circumstance, I think you might be under-estimating her appreciation... But time, and nights like tonight, will tell, hopefully. GL.

Btw, I realized that in my last post, my second sentence was a bit mean, and might not even be true. So I apologize.

Yeah, it went really well. There were bits and pieces of the serious vibe we had going last night (these elements have been there from the beginning), but it was just a lot of fun and relaxed. Lots of playfulness and joking around. We kinda turn into kids when we're around each other. Since her roommates were there, we couldn't get really physical beyond some groping and kissing. The PDA's with this girl are shameless. She just texted me something about how bad she wants tomorrow night to come.

She's super into me, but she just got crushed by a dude 2 months ago after a 2 year relationship, so she puts up a bit of a tough girl front. The tough girl front breaks down easily, though, and she tells me things like how I make her feel just as comfortable as this girlfriend she really loved (she's bisexual) used to.

No worries about that second sentence. It's true .

If you're totally serious on that, then that's serious business duder.

OP, I think you'd be better suited at sosuave or fastseduction.

so yeah, this girl is definitely falling for me, and honestly, i'm not too far behind her.

Stay objective! One week of patience wont kill the attraction. It may be a worthwhile insurance period, if she's particularly temperamental or prone to wild swings.

First thing.. slowwwwwwwww down.. you guys are taking things way too fast. Not saying its impossible for people go to from FWB to eventually dating and such. However, what I read into the OPs thread is their going from FWB to feeling more than FWB then so on. Sure, when you're having sex with someone it feels great. Sure, it bonds two people closer together. However, do know this. One you've crossed the line into having sex with someone, things will never be the same as they once were. That's why it's advisable to take things slowly. You wrote that she mentioned, she said something like "are you sure you want to do it now? I'm in vulnerable girl mode and it's going to be different." I told her I was just horny, but being the charming guy I am, I convinced her to do it anyways." Of course she's vulnerable. However, no where in there do I read that she was ready to be intimate with you that evening." Yeah I am sure you were horny, but sounds like to me you didn't respect her that evening.

OP wrote, ".... I'm getting shamefully good at faking emotional connections when I don't understand them myself. I actually do care about this girl (it's hard to divorce the sexual feelings from how I actually feel about her), but really, we have nothing in common. I like science oriented things and I'm an intensely logical/abstract thinker. She likes to talk about astrology, palm reading, poetry, feelings (don't they all, lol), and things I just don't care about/understand. Regardless, I like her vibe and I like that she likes me for me. I like how intense she is with me." Without reading anything else, I can assure you that you're reading too much into all this. You've said, "you're shamefully good at faking emotional connections...and have nothing in common." Dude, that is purely nothing more than FWB. If you think you're in more than a FWB situation with her, you're kidding yourself. Don't try convincing yourself there's more than what their is, because you're just holding water with those thoughts.

OP continued, "However, she's ridiculously shy when it comes to dropping the L-bomb and when I think of getting in something more exclusive with this girl, I get a bit depressed. We try to pretend it's an FWB thing, but then we get in these conversations about not getting invovled with other people and how we're gonna do a lot of cool things this summer. She's younger than me (24 vs. 20) and girls at that age are like butterflies that flit around from man to man. I'd definitely get crushed eventually and for really no reason. Except the physical attraction, I feel like what I actually like about her has been something I constructed. If I actually liked this girl's personality without having to think about it (and not just the fact that she likes me for who I am), I'd feel like it's worth the eventual crushing. This isn't the case, though." Ummmm.... let me set it to you straight. You guys don't have to pretend it's a FWB thing. IT IS a FWB thing, nothing more. I don't know of people who love each other in a dating relationship who have NOTHING in common. Because you feel what you like about her has been constructed (and you admit it), you haven't allowed things to happen on their own. You both have gone from attraction to intimacy, without taking the time to taking the necessary time to determine if you both want to be exclusive. That's a recipe for a disaster that will loom, eventually

Sounds like you both want to sow your oats and such. But remember this - what comes up, must come down. OP wrote, "Regardless of how much she melts whenever I look at her, there's a possibility she's aware of the damage we could cause each other and she also only likes me in a physical way, but has forced herself to find things in me that she likes." You both have already planted the seeds of damage, when choosing to become intimate with each other first before taking the time to get to know each other. Chalk this up for experience and move forward in your life, when you're done sowing your oats with her. Over time, you'll get tired of her. You'll want the next big high that comes along physically. You're only attracted to someone who's physically beautiful and has nothing in common with you. Enjoy it while it lasts now. Eventually, you'll realize there's more to getting know someone that thinking sex is the cake. Sex is not the cake. Sex is the icing around the cake. You see, no one can build a relationship with a foundation based on sex. I know and understand this from personal experience.

OP wrote, "I should probably just go spend time with some emotionally healthy girls that don't fall in love with guys in 2 weeks and forget about this chick." I'm glad to see that the "light bulb" is going on in your head here, OP. Emotionally healthy women don't fall in love with guys in two weeks. They are self-assured about themselves, and don't feel the need to give away their position of strength (with regard to being ready for sexual intimacy with a man until they know they're ready) so it becomes a point of weakness. Emotionally healthy women allow men to take the lead and be the pursuer. I have AS and understand how easy it would for a woman to pursue me. It's been known since the history of civilization that men have been the pursuers of women - not the other way around. Emotionally healthy men and women put their best foot forward in getting to know someone. Emotionally healthy men and women understand the importance of waiting for sexual intimacy until after being exclusive with another person. Emotionally healthy men understand that emotionally healthy women know when they are ready to be sexually with such men. Emotionally healthy men and women have taken the time to invest into themselves.

I encourage you to read the book, "Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray (the noted author of the Mars and Venus series of books). I bought the books months ago, have read it through many times, have wrote a bunch of notes in it, highlighted it, etc. Although it's a book that has nothing to do with AS, it's my guide on the subject of dating and relationships. I understand there's books out there for people who have AS with regard to dating and relationships. You might want to read one of those books as well.

That's exactly what I do. Except I'm a girl ...a very awkward one. I don't like to blither pointlessly, which I would guess is the basis of a neurotypical relationship Nothing I say seems to mean what it is supposed to. Ugh. That didn't make any sense. I mean that instead of taking things literally, my boyfriend tries to interpret it. Which is the opposite of what I do. It works out all right though... I don't want to use words in this case anyway.

Yeah, you guys are right. I can't relate to women on some fundamental level, it's crazy (it's the same fundamental level I can't relate with most people on). I can make them horny, but that's about it and that's only one part of relationships. This girl hasn't learned to differentiate horny vs. possibility for relationship material, so she thinks she has feelings for me. I thought I might've had feelings for her, but then I realized I can only make the abstract kind of conversation with her like I do with everybody and fake emotional connections. That sort of dynamic isn't attractive, even to me. I think she'd be happier with a couple of my friends. I've seen them talk with her and they get way further into what she's really about. I gotta let this one go before we both hurt each other.

Yeah, I think I already set myself up for disaster by jumping from attraction to intimacy. What an idiot. Finding some girl I can make good abstract conversation with and be physically attracted to at the same time seems impossible.

Last edited by roadGames on 06 May 2010, 11:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What the hell? There is a non-serious version of "no"? This is the biggest misunderstanding most men suffer by. If the girl says "no", you stop. Simple.

yeah, there is a non-serious version of 'no.' it's very easy to differentiate between the two. I could go into some stories but I'll digress.

I didn't want to derail the thread.

You know roadGames, your story there is very similar to a few of mine actually. I've had at least two girls as FWB who were exactly how you described this one. Both bipolar and interested in alternative crap. The difference is I never were in love, so I can't really give you any advice. I usually end up ignoring their phone calls and messages if anything becomes too serious.

I think you might be in love with her body, but what do I know?

Nah, you're right. I'm not in love with this girl at all, she's just one of the hotter girls that's been interested in me. A lot of these types like me, it's unfortunate. I think she lives on a different wavelength than I do big time and she's so desperate for affection that she'll take it from a guy that can barely have a conversation with her. Most normal girls sense something is up with me and drop me really quick after a few times.