Help for a 30 yr old for continued education

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Hi All-
I am new to Wrong Planet.

I suspect my BF has ASD.

He is an LPN. I am an RN.

He states he has expended all loans & grants. I find this impossible, but he won't give me enough details at this point because he has gone into severe depression over losing a job (long story short...anger outburst on his part...why I looked into ASD & suspect it from other research & speaking to others with it. He has many aspie traits).

Is there anything out there to assist him with this. He has a brilliant mind and could go much further, even to become a doctor. Or a vet, because of his inability to deal with people.

Any advice would be appreciated.

He has difficulty holding down a job and many courses he looked into could be done online at his own pace, which I feel would actually be quite fast.

Thank You

Well the Pell Grant is available to all qualified people who have less than a bachelors. It's a federal grant, right now my sis gets a little over 5k a year for school. It's not much, but it pays for classes at community college with a bit left over for gas and such. The only qualification is that you be a US citizen. He should look into it, fill out the FAFSA and it's offered right then and there.

Or medical research. And besides potentially doing more good, with research, any way if which you're different, offbeat, quirky, that plays to strength.

Someone can do serious medical research with either a PhD or an MD. And some medical specialities, like infectious disease or hematology, that's not that much dealing with the general public (although I've worked with the general public in taxes and sales and I actually kind of like it)

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Let me go out on a limb and suggest that you give your boyfriend the gift of letting him play Ghandhi. And I'll explain what this means. Most of the time if someone has had a bad situation at work, their significant other often tries to help them "see the other side" and this can oh-so-easy slide over into justifying the injustice at work. It's a very negative dynamic, and I don't understand why it's so common, primarily among neurotypical people but I guess among us aspies, too. If instead you take the tact, "I am going to picket and protest the place!" "I'm going to leave a dead rat in the hallway," "I'm going to start a campaign of phone harassment." Then you boyfriend might say, no, no, don't do that, you know what, i'm going to let it go, that's what i'm going to do.

So, you play the heavy and you let your boyfriend play the role of the reasonable person. You give him that gift. For example, if you're a fan of Boston Legal, what would Alan or Shirley or Jerry (Yeah Jerry!) do or say to strongly condemn the injustice? And by you articulating it, wow, you're kind of taking the burden onto your shoulder, and now your boyfriend doesn't have to carry as much. And you're not merely playing a role. You're being real, there certainly are workplace injustices. You are simply engaging the situation in a different way.

And the two of you might even talk about this in advance, 'okay, sometimes I may take one approach, sometimes the other. But I'd like to fight with you, along side you, more often. . . '

My speech therapist once told me, like two birds dancing on the beach, sometimes the one bird dances forward and the other bird dances back. And in the natural course of things, they switch. The other bird dances forward and the first bird dances back.

I'm sure you well realize that one person cannot save another. But one can be real and both give and receive help in a real way.

Thank you both!

Especially Aardvark on the advice allowing my boyfriend to be ghandi...

I have tried too hard and allowed him to lean on me. I have been so worried about his depression and the fact I am older than him makes me feel motherly towards him. Add the nursing...well...you get the pic.

You are very welcome!

And yes, I'd be worried, too, about your boyfriend's depression. As I understand it (and I am not a medical professional although interested in medical journalism), depression can start in many ways but can kind of take on a dynamic and momentum all its own and can become biochem?

If he feels he has a lot to contribute but doesn't fit in, or feel he's judged harshly and unfairly for minor and rather trivial matters, that can be a source of anger. Then if that anger is stifled, I guess that can be a source of depression. It's hard to tell, even though I have largely lived this life! (not always, but too often)

I am not a fan of counselors. They tend to be labellers and be-righters. But maybe just a good internist who would feel comfortable prescribing an anti-depressant, and get his neurotransmitter levels back up.

I'm guessing that your boyfriend has patchy social skills and in some ways is highly mature, even now when depressed. So perhaps, in addition to the gift of letting him be ghandi from time to time, you might also give him the gift of you sometimes leaning on him?

Aardvark-

I feel in some ways lately, he does feel less of a man. He was out of work for a whole month & just catching up on bills now. So...we have not gone anywhere because he doesn't want me to pay for everything. I always made more $ than him and we are fairly new as far as a couple, but even as friends, I allowed him to pay sometimes, and then sometimes I would.
I will have to try to figure something out to make him feel needed.
The fact is...I DO NEED him. Maybe not financally, but in other ways. This is a problem with men & women. Men feel women don't need them if they can pay their own bills, etc. This is not so.

Thank you so much! This is very helpful.

As far as allowing him to vent his anger...what can I do? Maybe find a gym wih a punching bag? Any other ideas?

He also has told me that he does have anger at himself. His loss of the job we shared was because he allowed others to irritate him & upset his routine. Management does/did nothing, despite numerous complaints, because there was nothing anyone could actually pin on this person.
So he got angry & quit. Try as I might, I could not get him his job back, altho I had alot of pull.

So..what about those sumu wrestler outfits? I know he has suppressed anger...

That's bad management. A manager who had establishment himself or herself as engaged, involved, reasonable, could have done something informally.

'Okay, so he's a methodical worker. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it works very well, other times, perhaps not so well. It's kind of six of one, half a dozen of the other. So please, be a builder, not a critic. Be a builder and be a steady influence yourself, alright?' Maybe something like that.

It is so often stated that the man should be the provider, etc, etc, that to some extent you can't help but see yourself through society's eyes, esp if you're going through a rough patch. Plus, he tried to work through the system, and at least on this occasion, the system did not come through for him.

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Maybe if you could use a medium touch to invite your boyfriend to events you sincerely want to go to, free or very inexpensive events, like lectures, political events, nature hikes, etc.

As a person with (probable) Asperger's, I love to analyze social events. One of my friends from high school, we could talk in great detail about a social event after it happened. And with a girlfriend from about ten years ago, I really enjoyed driving home from a party with her, and in a very goodnatured and accepting manner, talking about the people there. In one of his books, Richard Feynman talked how he wanted to find out how Las Vegas "worked" (Richard definitely marched to his own drummer, he may or may not have had Asperger's, and either way is perfectly okay)

Now, the downside is that I can become married to my own ideas. So, perhaps you could preface this with 'I'm going to have to make my own decision of course, the feel and texture of what feels promising in that immediate social context, but I would very much like to know what you think of something'

Then tell him a real live work situation. Don't just pitch him a softball. But a real live work situation, something either good or bad, but something you're at the very edge of understanding. He might surprise you and be able to come through for you in winning fashion (not all the time of course. It's like zen! You must allow it to happen, and it happens at unpredictable times, and sometimes you're not sure until some time later)

Actually...his name is Tim...was the best LPN we had. And...I have been in dialysis for almost 13 yrs and he only a few mths and on most things he was even with me, and on others, like the machines & the water room...he excelled.
It's just, unfortunately, as an LPN, he works under an RN....myself & a couple others kinda gave him autonomy...because he was just that good at it! The other RN...she was an idiot. She knows maybe a fraction of what he knows. She's been in it way longer also. She's actually on the brink of being dangerous.
Dialysis, if nothing goes wrong with a patient, is kinda "factory work." He was perfect for it if all went well. And...I can almost bet being able to distance himself from a patient as a person, would do excellent in an emergent situation.

He actually started to open up around most of us at work. How we became frineds in the first place, let alone...

I do ask his advice. I know he loved that. I still do. I am in awe of his mind and how it works. He is so much more logical than me. I do need that because I am a bit of a dreamer/new agey type. We actually compliment one another quite well when he's not going thru crisis. Then I become like his mother...which is good at first, then becomes emasculating...

He's coming for dinner Wed nite (tonite). I will have lots of questions about his new job...I just wish there was a way to get him back into school to further his education. He is brilliant! He has so much to contribute.

I so do appreciate your input, Aardvark...you're giving out wonderful advice & t's helping me understand so much more...Thank You <3

And I imagine she "excelled" on the social side, but a lot of this was negative.

And the head of nursing (?) for this department was not sufficiently engaged in his or her job to see what was going on? (And even if a person excels on the positive side of social skills, they still need a baseline of technical skills)


Well, all this takes a while to wrap your mind around. And you can help some, but your boyfriend still has to largely do it in his own way at his own pace.

So, the institution worked this poorly, or at least it did on this occasion? And I would guess that there's also an aspect of blaming outcome. That is, if an incident happens, a person is blamed, even if they did it right. Or if nothing happens, management is not too concerned even if all kinds of chances are being taken.

Again, a lot of time to wrap your mind around all this.

roryboryalice, thank you very much for the nice compliments! Please understand that I'm not always right, and often I can't do a lot of this in real time.

What has helped me grow socially over the years has been political activism, a couple of jobs in sales, and most recently, playing poker in Las Vegas for two years (I am very strong on the mathematics of probability, and I still broke even. So please be careful. And yes, I read Mike Caro's book on tells. It would have been irresponsible not to!) I mention poker under the theme, personal growth in unlikely places. And I guess your boyfriend needs to find his own unlikely places for growth, with you along ever step of the way of course! Or perhaps, sometimes giving space, sometimes being with him, all part of the dance and the zen flow of it. You strike me as a pretty with-it person. I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out along the way, and any mistakes will just add texture!

Thank You, Aardvark.

I do realize you do not have all the answers, but it certainly has helped me. I appreciate your advice. First...you're male. Second you possibly have AS, which Tim has not been diagnosed, either, but certainly has so many of the traits, I suspect so.
I have & will continue to give him space when needed. Allow him to come to me, but also at the same time I have to remember to let him know I'm always open for hmi to be around me. He does seem to misinterpret this. I'm learning to make ths clear without sounding needy or distant.

The hiking...so much hiking in this area, and such a great idea, except he doesn't like the sunlight (I got him sunglasses). He states he will someday...so...I have now learned if I get him to commit to a time, then he does it. If he says he will do something, he does it...

I will try to get him more involved socially now that it appears he is coming out of his depression.
AND...last night he was talking again about school & grants & loans he could get (so I guess he didn't quite expend all his resources after all!)! He was just so far deep in depression & worry from being out of work that (and anxiety attacks) that he couldn't see this before.

It's gonna be quite a ride, but I love adventures...and I feel, in this way, it's why we came together...he...more logical & brings me back to earth, me, the dreamer...allows him to be one also...

Sales? Wow...that must've been a challenge!
And I do not know much about poker...but...hmmm...Tim seems to have that also...I'll bet it's something he never explored but might be something...he thing now is the electric guitar & philosophy...

That sounds like a very Aspie trait! And because of that, a person can be hesitant to commit to things. Okay, so be. Like a lot of aspie traits, it can be either positive or negative, all depending on the circumstances. I tell myself, channel, don't block. Although sometimes that's easier said than done!

The guitar sounds pretty neat! And I guess that can be both social and individual, at different times. Speaking for myself, I like more solitary intellectual,project-oriented, artistic, etc projects early in the day, and then social perhaps late afternoon or evening if available.