The new girl on the block here!

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone!

I'm a 23 year old NT girl, wife to a 25 year old highly suspected Aspie. I'm here so I can learn more about how Aspies think, and how they see the world and perceive things. I've been married 2 and a half years and it has been a real struggle at times because he is pretty non-communicative and passive most of the time but then once in a while there will be something that just comes up and it's like the end of the world and I will have no clue what's going on. My counselor recently clued me in to the fact that he has had AS traits in the past, and maybe a lot of this is the Aspie part of him. I didn't even think about that, but everything has fallen into place and I am excited to finally have a way to take things less personally (because he's a great guy, and it never made sense why he'd say these crazy things once in a while that hurt like hell), and a way to learn more about him. I've wanted to get behind those eyes for a few years, but no luck. So far I've found lots of helpful things to read already, and I'm hoping that I can gain more and more insight as I go along.

So here I am Just your fairly average NT girl, very strong willed and I don't put up with crap but I also work my butt off to work on myself and to understand people. Which is why I'm here, so I can work on understanding him better, and learn how to respond to him and translate some of his oddities!

Welcome to WrongPlanet, and welcome to my time warp.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!! !

God bless you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

There's no big mystery. Just lots and lots of literal, analytical thought processing (not the most comedian-type)... but we do have a sense of humor, in contrast to myths... and Aspies (in contrast to nasty myths) do have human empathy (I'd dare say more empathy than the average person, because we've often been victimized by bullies and other predatorial types.) Aspies are fairly trusting of people who don't appear to be "up to no good," until lied to... caught red-handed and busted. Aspies lack the filters NT's have, they tend to take people at face value and the literal word... until trust is broken. We don't notice all those "subtle cues" NT's give each other with eye contact... like if a guy was trying to make eye contact and pass along some subtle "wink wink" -- I wouldn't notice, not in a million years. Therefore, my love life is in the wasteland. We're just like anyone else, who wants to be loved, accepted, and appreciated for our positive qualities... people tend to fear what they don't understand, so many people with Aspergers Syndrome have been discriminated against, and it hurts. We're not stupid people. Most Aspies have average to above average intelligence.

Anyway. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2777311 ... t=#2777311

Welcome to WP

Thanks

Yep I have found that to be so very true with him. Takes everyone at face value, and is beyond devastated when that trust is broken. He would never be able to be a dad for that reason among the many other reasons he couldn't be one lol. He gets into a rage when someone lies to him or calls him a liar. I believe every word he says, and always have, and always would, which makes it scary for me sometimes because he says things so literally.

Nothing is really a mystery to me now...understanding that he's Aspie puts a whole new spin on things, and since I have had a fair bit of contact with Aspie's in the past, I know about a lot of the reasons why they do things and stuff like that. Now I just want to know how to bring out the best in him, and not undermine him anymore. I don't feel that I have undermined him a lot, but that's how he would have taken what I'm saying, so I am going to change my tactic so it is more understanding of his Aspergers and yet still makes him feel like a normal human being since he is just as human and normal as you or I am. I don't see it as a disability or a problem or a negative thing at all. I rather think it is just a different way of viewing the world, and dealing with things. They don't need to be treated any special way, just understood and accepted and treated accordingly. I assume they would think it's weird if I treated them weirdly just because of the syndrome. I know several people on the spectrum and I love them all. In fact, my pastor has 5 kids under the age of 13 who all are on the spectrum So I am familiar with it, I just never linked it to my marital problems for whatever reason.

Wahoo... that's simple. Most Aspies have some certain thing or things they enjoy... if you can spot what it is (that should be easy, because it consumes their interests and tend to ramble on about THEIR interest, at the expense of imposing it on others)... at least typical stereotypical Aspie ... my children are all on the spectrum... and my oldest daughter loves cartooning. If I want on her good side, I get her a book on cartooning, a pen / tablet that hook to the computer... and 1001 creative ideas, (again -- its literal) -- literally some action, and nothing subtle that shows the person you care and are interested in them and their interests...

Its one of the best ways of saying "I love you, I really know you... and I care about your happiness." It'll come back 100 fold, if you can handle that kind of affection.

Haha I can handle affection. I was denied it my whole life and I need it!! And yes it does seem whenever I'm on his good side he seems to give to me like nothing else. In the past three years I've had all my dreams basically come true. He bought me a piano, has upgraded my computer a heap of times, bought me two very nice cameras, my dream car, a trip overseas to meet my best friend and he let me stay there for 5 weeks, and he's handed me money for new clothes and stuff. He gives out to anyone and everyone like crazy.

His main interest is computers, hands down. Thus he owns his own one man computer shop (and does extremely well) without any college training. He is also a genius at music and plays the guitar and sings really well. I hear he was second chair in trombone, and he has a nice trombone but never plays it. He loves mystery books and I have played into that a lot. He loves some games, but it takes the right kind of game, usually an indepth game that requires a lot of thinking, like mystery games or a city building game. I usually listen for when he says "i want to get x" then I'm able to figure out his interests.

He doesn't have anything he talks about a lot...his ex fiance successfully taught him to shut up and shut down about all of his desires so now I'm slowly having to draw that out of him. One of his passions was/is weight lifting, and boxing. In the beginning of our relationship he was all into boxing and I'm a tough lil girl so I boxed with him, until he accidentally knocked me down by the kidneys, and it was my fault but I haven't done a lot with him that way. I started to shut him down in those areas and without realizing it, built up resentment in him and made him shut down to me at all. And thus he said some scary things about not even wanting to be with me anymore. I didn't understand, now I do. The breakthrough was while I was away internationally, I dyed my hair from blonde to brown and it was too sudden, and he hated it. But it brought us to our lowest point yet, and it made us both stop and think a lot. The real breakthrough came when, in the middle of all that mess, I finally realized that I needed to be more in favor of his boxing and weight lifting passions. I told him it was ok for him to have his weight lifting stuff and to get whatever he needed for it, and to go ahead and watch boxing and I promise I won't say another word about it. Once I said that, his entire attitude changed, and my best friend and I were stuck scratching our heads going how on earth could he be so hateful one minute, and the next, because of something like that, change to being totally warm? Well now we know. lol

To WrongPlanet!! !

Sounds like things are going great for the two of you...



bad about the ex wanting him to suppress what's part of him and one of his main and sometimes only ways to communicate in an NT-world. In my own Aspie way my interests are my way to attempt connecting with NT's. Unfortunately, it doesn't work well with most people. "Small talk" is something Aspergers people aren't naturally gifted with. A mom posted a few days ago, explaning how her son "expresses" if he likes you,
Because we just don't know how to get the feeling out in words... the feelings are there just like anybody else, count on it... but verbalizing that, is a difficult if not impossible task. When an Aspergers person wants or needs something, it's liable to be expressed 1001 ways... except knowing how to put the feeling/thoughts into spoken words, and speaking them to the person/people who need to hear them most. Lots of fears that maybe its inappropriate to question... or, a lack of filters and saying too much. There's a lot of insecurity and self-doubt going on... especially if people have ridiculed an Aspergers person. A person that makes you feel accepted, no matter what, and comfortable to open up -- forgiving for those socializing Faus pas is the best kind of friend in the world.

Sounds like the ex-fiance did wonders for your man's confidence in expressing himself. Aspergers people are very sensitive. They may not see what they're doing right or wrong, but once its brought to their attention and their feelings hurt... they'll be twice as shy about doing it anymore... or avoid social situations they might repeat doing it. Withdraw seems to be a normal reaction to criticism.

Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Welcome to the Show Show
Come Along, We'll have some fun
You won't be the only one

W-E-L-C-O-M-E to the planet of lost souls

Hello randomgirl, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Welcome aboard the Wrong Planet, randomgirl.

Welcome to WP!!

Thanks so much everyone I am enjoying browsing the forums here.