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serenity
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11 May 2010, 9:26 am

When I made the recent thread about comparing yourself, and whether you like compliments, and such... it's because of something that I find deep inside of myself that I don't understand. Even though it has gotten better, I still seem to have a kind of bitter dislike about who I am. It's very borderline-ish, and can make me behave in a borderline-ish way when I get in a self-loathing emotional state. I doubt very seriously that I have BPD, because I was extensively tested for PDs at my recent evaluation. Yet, I seem to have this unhinged deep, almost sense of self hate inside. It makes me at times, very difficult to live with. My husband is the only person that I seem to take this irrational side of myself out on. It makes no sense, because in every other way, I am a rational, unemotional level headed person.

Is this common? How do you feel about yourself?



ToughDiamond
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11 May 2010, 10:10 am

Generally I've got a fairly good self-image, at least consciously......I'm a nice guy, a good singer and musician, co-operative, dependable, cheerful, and perfectly capable of a lot of warmth when the conditions are right. I seem to see things that others have failed to spot, on both a practical level and on an emotional one sometimes. I've got some good practical skills and I can easily fend for myself economically. I've got quite a generous spirit and I know I've been loved so I'm able to return some of that at times.

I wonder if your upbringing had anything to do with your current state of self-loathing? My mum used to put me down a lot......I have no conscious sense of self-loathing from those early experiences but a little deeper down I'm sure those formative years have given me a lot of problems. Mostly it shows up as a brittle kind of self-confidence that can easily evaporate if I get any evidence that any of those horrible accusations might have a grain of truth in them. There's so much that I just don't even try to do, I habitually assume the risks are too great, presumably because unconsciously I'm convinced I'm a complete loser. Conflict with others scares me stiff, which is probably why I always do the "nice guy" thing - somehow I can't quite believe that I could be forgiven for being a bit prickly now and then. Like I say, it's not conscious, probably because Mum's put downs are known to have been ridiculously extreme and Dad did quite a bit to convince me that I was a good 'un, so that second opinion probably stopped me from taking the pejorative stuff too much to heart, though he himself could be pretty damning when he was in a bad mood.

PS: It's not surprising that you sometimes take it out on Hubby. Closeness is like that. I've found myself treating partners quite badly because they were the only ones I dared show my dark side to......and I always found it very hard to forgive myself afterwards, I felt such a hypocrite for making a better effort with mere outsiders. I hope Hubby is wise enough to react with the right level of firmness to help you through it.



Last edited by ToughDiamond on 11 May 2010, 10:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Apera
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11 May 2010, 10:18 am

Could it be linked to trying to better yourself? If you're going to be better in the future, then what are you now?


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11 May 2010, 10:48 am

Bipolarity is almost always going to display itself to some extent in the AS world, as being so stuck on having to "translate" your mind into real-world empathy also leaves you needing to tell yourself when to be happy or sad, content or angry, and often to a fairly serious degree. I would imagine that your husband has to bear the brunt of it because you trust him to a degree that you subconsciously let him into all of your thoughts, which sometimes can unfortunately include the bad side of things- IE: You would never tell a happy aquaintance that everything sucks right now when they wave to you in passing, but someone you know and trust absolutely, like family, could very well end up getting all sorts of bad news if you're feeling down, because you have nothing to hide from them.

My brother tends to get them brunt of my bad days due to being my roommate and all, luckily for me he totally understands that it's nothing personal and simply gives me space if I'm ever lashing out.



b9
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11 May 2010, 10:54 am

Quote:
How do you feel about yourself?

i do not have to feel about myself unless the lights are off.
in that case, i spread my arms wide, and i tread carefully.



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11 May 2010, 11:00 am

I feel good about myself, I can do lots of great stuff and I'm working on getting rich, which is pretty much my ultimate goal.



serenity
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11 May 2010, 12:22 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
Generally I've got a fairly good self-image, at least consciously......I'm a nice guy, a good singer and musician, co-operative, dependable, cheerful, and perfectly capable of a lot of warmth when the conditions are right. I seem to see things that others have failed to spot, on both a practical level and on an emotional one sometimes. I've got some good practical skills and I can easily fend for myself economically. I've got quite a generous spirit and I know I've been loved so I'm able to return some of that at times.

I wonder if your upbringing had anything to do with your current state of self-loathing? My mum used to put me down a lot......I have no conscious sense of self-loathing from those early experiences but a little deeper down I'm sure those formative years have given me a lot of problems. Mostly it shows up as a brittle kind of self-confidence that can easily evaporate if I get any evidence that any of those horrible accusations might have a grain of truth in them. There's so much that I just don't even try to do, I habitually assume the risks are too great, presumably because unconsciously I'm convinced I'm a complete loser. Conflict with others scares me stiff, which is probably why I always do the "nice guy" thing - somehow I can't quite believe that I could be forgiven for being a bit prickly now and then. Like I say, it's not conscious, probably because Mum's put downs are known to have been ridiculously extreme and Dad did quite a bit to convince me that I was a good 'un, so that second opinion probably stopped me from taking the pejorative stuff too much to heart, though he himself could be pretty damning when he was in a bad mood.

PS: It's not surprising that you sometimes take it out on Hubby. Closeness is like that. I've found myself treating partners quite badly because they were the only ones I dared show my dark side to......and I always found it very hard to forgive myself afterwards, I felt such a hypocrite for making a better effort with mere outsiders. I hope Hubby is wise enough to react with the right level of firmness to help you through it.


You could be onto something with the upbringing thing. IMO my life wasn't THAT bad, but it's possible that it's affected me more than I thought.

I also hate conflict. As a matter of fact, that's usually what starts off one of my self-loathing moods. My husband has a little bit of a anger management problem (that he's working on) and if I sense any irritation coming from him my head starts spinning. I can get real emotional, real quickly, as I absolutely hate being yelled at. I don't ever act mean during these moods, ie; name calling, personal attacks, ect... Just paranoid, child like, and difficult to deal with.



Last edited by serenity on 11 May 2010, 8:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lotuspuppy
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11 May 2010, 12:26 pm

Honestly, I feel like s**t. I know I'm depressed and have social anxiety, and am taking medication for both. Yet I feel like people write me off. People find me extremely boring and/or negative, and typically reject me. I have few friends, and even these I hold tenuously. Worse, I don't like talking about my feelings because no one wants to hear them. Even my own family is telling me to shut up now. So I say very little around them.

I tend to throw myself into school or work, and that makes me happier. Right now, I am taking an extended break because I burned myself out. So now I have plenty of time to think about how miserable my life is, and see if I need to change anything about it.



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11 May 2010, 12:27 pm

I feel pretty good. Other than I'm too selfish for my liking, get bothered too easy, am not smart enough, not socially skilled enough, have too high standards, and not pretty enough.



serenity
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11 May 2010, 12:33 pm

lotuspuppy wrote:
Honestly, I feel like sh**. I know I'm depressed and have social anxiety, and am taking medication for both. Yet I feel like people write me off. People find me extremely boring and/or negative, and typically reject me. I have few friends, and even these I hold tenuously. Worse, I don't like talking about my feelings because no one wants to hear them. Even my own family is telling me to shut up now. So I say very little around them.

I tend to throw myself into school or work, and that makes me happier. Right now, I am taking an extended break because I burned myself out. So now I have plenty of time to think about how miserable my life is, and see if I need to change anything about it.


Are you seeing a therapist for CBT, or any other therapy for your anxiety? I was wondering, because my therapist told me that my anxiety is my biggest issue, and if I could get that under control, then I'd feel better about everything else. I think that's probably true.



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11 May 2010, 2:02 pm

I don't like myself. I probably have plenty to like myself for nowadays, but it's a habit ingrained from years of being told I suck.


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RightGalaxy
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11 May 2010, 8:06 pm

I basically hate myself. Being 48, I've given up on thinking about it much. I just get on with my life and look after my husband and two sons. The three of them love me so why should I care how much I hate myself. Who am I? I'm someone that's not even important enough to care about how I even feel about myself. Who cares? 8)



Mdyar
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11 May 2010, 8:31 pm

serenity wrote:
When I made the recent thread about comparing yourself, and whether you like compliments, and such... it's because of something that I find deep inside of myself that I don't understand. Even though it has gotten better, I still seem to have a kind of bitter dislike about who I am. It's very borderline-ish, and can make me behave in a borderline-ish way when I get in a self-loathing emotional state. I doubt very seriously that I have BPD, because I was extensively tested for PDs at my recent evaluation. Yet, I seem to have this unhinged deep, almost sense of self hate inside. It makes me at times, very difficult to live with. My husband is the only person that I seem to take this irrational side of myself out on. It makes no sense, because in every other way, I am a rational, unemotional level headed person.

Is this common? How do you feel about yourself?

BPD's blame others for their hurt and most usually wouldn't have the insight into this behavior to see this in themselves , so if anything at all I would lean borderline borderline ,as you said.
I think T.D. hit it on upbringing or early environmental stress and this is definitely a catalyst .
But I wonder about depression here, that is a' soft clinical depression' ?
There are alot of folk who don't meet major depression, but are dysthymic and serotonin plays a role in this.
Stressors + genetic predisposition for depression = :(



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11 May 2010, 8:46 pm

I used to feel I was ugly because people told me I was or made fun of me, whatever. As an adult I changed and actually, usually, like the way I look and my personality. I do have a strange sort of feeling though, of feeling almost poisonous. Like, for me it's ok, like a spider's poison doesn't hurt it, but to others it might not be so benign. It's like an energy thing. Sometimes I'm afraid of feeling like this, because it's very strong. It also just feels like how I am, so I don't like it or dislike it - I haven't figured it out.



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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11 May 2010, 8:55 pm

I don't get into self loathing mode much these days. I often think about what it would be like to be like everyone else and have the types of experiences with others they have. just normal ones, the kinds people take for granted. I don't loathe myself, I just accept who I am. My motto is it is what it is. It's easier if I don't think about myself too much. I try to picture myself in the roles of others.



caissa
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11 May 2010, 8:59 pm

My parents were very abusive and critical and the negative self image this gave me has carried over into adulthood.

So while yes, I have self-dislike and insecurities, I don't believe it is caused by AS per se.