To the men: What us women face.

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I see a lot of posts from a lot of men on here ranting about how they will never get a women because of all these pre-conceived (and usually wrong) ideas and notions about what women do and don't go for in a man, and claiming that all we want are "bad boys" and men with six packs who make a lot of money, and I'm sick of it.

The vast majority of the time these men sit around, focusing on what is actually a very very small group of women....the most horribly NT in a bad way, the most high maintenence, the most superficial, and expect her to magically approach them, while COMPLETELY IGNORING THE REST OF US.

And they never stop to think what life is like for a woman with AS.

Well let me tell you.

Hi, my name is Chronos. I'm a woman with AS. I'm not immature, or particularly needy or anything of the sort, but I'm a bit different from other women and I highly doubt this guy would date me:

http://www.pempeo.com/images/ed_hardy_M ... _shirt.jpg

I don't know him. Maybe he's a nice guy. Maybe he would like a woman who doesn't spend 2 hours a day painting chemicals on her face every morning, doesn't have a centerfold body, knows relatively little about fashion or hair styles, and would rather look for rocks in the mud than go shopping at Ikea or something, but probably not.

Most men like this like clubs, and raves, and drinking. They demand a woman both be modest and open to casual sex. They say they don't want high maintenence yet they want her to look pristine in a way most women can never look.

They want a woman who is just as club, and just as scene, and just as shallow.

Nevermind that they marry and have kids and then these women I could never be turn into the woman I always was. Calm, responsible, and down to Earth.

The fact of the matter is, most men do consider me creepy, or wrongly figure me for a cat hoarding, thimble collecting spinster and would never approach me.

That's fine really. I don't hoard cats or collect thimbles, but yeah, I'm weird. I've come to accept that.

Regardless of what some of you men think, I can't have any guy I want. In fact I don't even have the option of trying to get any guy I want as it's not socially acceptable for women to approach men.

So regardless of whether I am looking for a relationship or not, I find it a bit of a slap in the face when some of you men go on about not being able to get a woman because YOU won't approach her, and are clearly talking about only a certain type of women, as if us AS and average women are invisible to you.

I'm forced to conclude that you men who do such things really don't want a nice woman to have a loving relationship with, but you demand a trophy woman, and you demand God drop her out of the sky for you.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm aware of the fact that women with Asperger's syndrome don't have it "easy" when it comes to dating; men are more predatory than women.

Please understand that if a man has been rejected hundreds of times, he will be reluctant to approach women. Also, as dumb as this advice may sound, you have to put yourself out there. The fact that men make the first move doesn't mean that they knock random doors to see if a woman will answer. Expecting that a random encounter at a bar will lead to more than sex is naive, therefore you could try internet dating or going to dating events.

P. S. IKEA kicks ass. So does Volvo, Saab, Telenor and Jarlsberg.

quality men actually do want a down to earth, responsible woman who isn't necessarily vain, "in style" or open to casual sex. unfortunately, (a lot) of these really caring men who want something genuine with a woman are too timid to approach women. it's a not a reflection on whether or not they take aspie/shy/different women into consideration or not; it's because they themselves are self-conscious and because of the fact that they actually respect women they feel socially trumped.
i would suggest looking in places where you are likely to meet better guys. bars, (probably college parties), clubs, etc are bad news. people who go to these types of places are looking for a no strings attached kind of deal that they can take advantage of.
on the otherhand, try seeking someone through common interest (conventions, concerts, classes) or the internet. guys won't be too shy to approach you (i would hope!) on the interwebs.

I feel the preconceived notions as well. I also feel like there is a lot of complaining and then when you try to offer advice there is an excuse, whether it be there are reasons they don't want to try approaching women or the women available aren't up to their standards. I'm not sure I'm being annoyed by the same things that you are, but I'm aggravated today so I'll join in (Btw, I'm not complaining about any one guy in particular here.)

This was not directed at all men here of course. Many of you have the right mindset. I just wanted the other few to see the other side of it, and I doubt the ones I'm speaking of have been rejected by hundreds of women. Perhaps two or three, if even any at all.

And for the record, when I was "in the market", I put myself "out there" to the best of my ability. I spent the day out on foot at bustling population centers, sitting there in an open area with no cell phone and no iPod. I would visit books stores, wander around. I'd try to catch men's eyes so I could smile at them (do you know how difficult and forced that is for someone with AS?) but the most of them would stare straight ahead.

When a man ignores you is he doing so because he's not interested or he's shy? I don't know. And I don't suppose an NT women would either.

I would usually just figure he wasn't interested.

Well I'm usually not interested in strangers (I need to know a woman for a while before I start to like her in *that* way), but if I were, I'd be too afraid because I usually end up being burned by trying to initiate such interactions.

I have to admit, it's pretty awkward to just approach some woman you don't know. I actually did this recently and managed to get her number. What now? What do you talk about? Human interaction is so weird.

after watching the nightmare of my brothers marriages I am convinced the best thing that *any* guy can do, not just aspie guys, is to go after a girl who is a 'late bloomer' in the sense that she did not do through life trading on her looks and using her arse to get everything she needed. I never even really new women like this existed, outside of some vague sense of 'golddiggers in hollywood'. I have become very disillusioned and think it is just better for men to steer far and wide of the 'lookers' in the traditional sense. I can't even really post about all the things that have gone down because it involves such phantasmagoria as amateur, on the fly, prostitution, meth addiction, child neglect, etc, etc, by people who look and sound oh so shiny when you first meet them but who you realized have never worked or earned an honest dollar (or anything) in their lives. Definitely don't go by how they 'look' on their myspace and facebook profiles. The best thing I think a man could do is find someone with a deficit or struggle like AS that they have had to work through, and for whom looks were not the all-consuming, all eclipsing characteristic of her life.

I can't think of anything to say, except that it's too bad the world can be so scary and lonely.

oh yes. i agree with you 100 percent. the way us guys persive things is wrong NT or AS. there is a difference between attractive and available. a genuinely attractive girl will look good, and because of this they wont dress like a hooker(available). so a guy will see them both and automatically go for the available girl showing it off, and she will be the one going for the bad boy. the genuinely attractive girl will go for a guy who can provide and commits to her on a deeper level. now, once you realize this you will have no problem getting into a relationship. i personally struggle on the deeper level thing. witch is why i long for an aspie.

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I don't think a lot of the men here are after trophy wives as such, but I think their standards are way too high.

Meeting people is stupid, the best place to meet them is in the worlkplace where you're forced to get to know them as friends, not partners (as its a working environment) so they can learn to like the real you.

The only two people i've ever "dated" 1 I met through a university course, and the other, work. Online dating, "picking up" etc seem completely unnatural to me and will amount to nothing usually.

you see. i agree with that exept for the fact of the workplace. this is because, if it ends badly, your still forced to communicate with each other, and that would be like pissing in your own soup. that and i belive it should be a place of mutaral intrest, for example, my obsession is music, so maby a jazz club or a small concert. and if you start to see someone who goes there regulary, somthing could grow.

I haven't found concerts great places to meet new people, especially women. People tend to frequent them along with groups of friends and tend to watch themselves a bit - for example making sure if it's crowded that they don't get crushed, and making sure they don't have anything stolen. I've still made a couple of semi-friends from concerts but they've invariably been young men who weren't cautious enough to go with other people, and I've had to arrive at the concert extra-early in order to do this. On that note, it may be easier for young women to find young men in rock concerts because I think men are less cautious and more likely to go on their own.

Public places in the daytime such as shopping centers are not out of the question, but are even less likely than concerts because people are even more guarded.

People let their guard down a little more in parties, not necessarily rowdy parties but just parties in general are better for meeting new people in my experiences. Best of all is if you have a circle of friends and they can introduce you to new people, because as a friend-of-a-friend or even a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend the people you are introduced to will be less guarded than if you just tried to introduce yourself.

Easy to say if you actually have available women on your workplace. I worked for a small company, there there were me and 2 other older men. A middle sized company i worked for had 3 women in the right age for me, but all were taken. An IT company i worked for har 50 people, but there there were 3 women and one girl in the right age, but she was a total nutjobb and was in a cult. Not so easy as it seems now is it...

Generalising that meeting is stupid because you yourself always have had jobs that had available women around - is stupid.

I think the problem here is that people are waaay to picky. There is NO such thing as a perfect person. Both us men & women should be willing to make compromises so we can find someone who is willing to accept us. I think us guys seen to many movies where nerds get dates with the prom-queens & I think women seen to many movies where a millionaire falls in love with a women who's broke. we should quit trying to date out of our leagues. It takes dedication, commitment & compromises to make relationships work NOT attraction or money. We need to be willing to give others a chance instead of making up excuses to cross em off a check-list. Some countries have arranged marriages & some people are quite happy with it

Boo! Saab Suger!


I'm just plain scared of strangers.