Losing control

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I'm so sorry self, I'm so sorry. I should have seen this mental collapse coming. I was doing so well, now I am in the middle of a brain implosion. I can't reach my mom because she is in Africa right now. My perceptions of the world are losing control, I am losing control. I am crying inside, I am crying. I can't sleep at night, when I do sleep I have nightmares. Is there not a friend in the world? The abuse is catching up to me, I don't want it to win. I feel like I am losing control, losing control of everything. I'm tired man, it's just a constant barrage of clatter and chatter in this world, I can't control the volume, and I am losing control of my emotions. The brain zaps and feelings of numbness from switching medications again. I'm sorry doctor that the meds did not work, I'm sorry people that I just can's feel good enough all the time. Where am I in time and space, it's like I'm losing my perception of time. Oh Lord help me, help me to stay stable so that I may stay with reality. I just want to go hide right now, I am so ashamed for feeling this way. This is the first time I've had to miss work because my mind was all screwed up, that was not my plan. I want a happy mind, a happy self. I excercise, eat healthy, see the animals at the animal shelter, reflect. What do you want self? I am stuck with you, I know my friends are getting married and having babies. Yes, I am 29, and I know I work full time starting my career and in an apprenticeship. Brain, please don't freak out and throw it all away, we worked so hard together. One more week there will be a vacation, please stay with me my brain. I know life has been hard, but everyone says that we are doing great. What do you need, oh wonderful brain? What do I need, as I meditate and do the things that are supposed to help. I can't get fixated on what I can't have and can't do. Will someone please help, anybody?! I will help some of you guys, I promise. I...just...want...a...friend...to...enjoy...COFFEE...over!! ! ONE FRIEND!! !! !

HELP!! !

HELP!! !

HELP!! !

HELP!! !

mommy...

<<<<{{{{HUG!! !}}}>>>>

i wish i could materialize over there to drink coffee with you, if you'd have me as a fellow coffee drinker
otherwise, if i were you, i'd take some kavakava* or valerian root tea and have a good long nap. it works for me.

*kavakava shouldn't be taken if you have any history of liver disease!

Oh, thank you for your kind reply. It has been a heck of a day. It's like the aftermath of being in a car wreck, except it was a brain wreck and now my brain needs to be repaired through compassion tender loving care.

Hang in there.

Just take deep breaths and try to relax. Fairly uninspired advice I know but it sounds like you are freaking out. Spend a night watching movies or doing something you enjoy doing. I usually feel better after curling up in bed with my care bear and watching something, even if I'm just staring at the screen and not taking it in at all. It'll be okay. You can pm me if you want to talk. I'll be your friend. *hugs*

I've been in that dark place more times than I care to count. I hope you feel better soon. Give yourself some time to wind down, and relax. Once you're feeling better, do you think you'd be ok with telling us what happened?

Even if it seems trivial, there can be a lot more under the surface. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just hope that I can offer some sort of help.

~ Heron