I don't feel love and romance like I feel I should

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ponies
Blue Jay
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18 Jun 2010, 4:11 am

Love and romance are foreign feelings to me.

I am in a relationship with someone, but it feels odd because the feelings I have for him, and other people I have been in relationships with, have been feelings of just being able to be around the person, or live with them and feel comfortable with them, but not romantically.

I don't feel love for people :-( and I think I am supposed to? The person I am in a relationship with, I am supposed to love them, but the closest I can come to that is not minding being around the person and not wanting harm to come to them, or look after them when they are sick or hurt.... I don't think I am capable of romantic love for anyone :-( and it makes me sad and feel horrible. I want to love people.



Ferdinand
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18 Jun 2010, 4:13 am

No. Love is just chemicals in your brain. It is not some deep force or some mystery. It's just chemicals in your brain.


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18 Jun 2010, 5:00 am

Maybe you're aromantic? Aromantics, as far as I know, lack the ability to have romantic feelings for someone.

There's some information about it findable with Google.


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nostromo
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18 Jun 2010, 6:01 am

Ferdinand wrote:
No. Love is just chemicals in your brain. It is not some deep force or some mystery. It's just chemicals in your brain.

Yeah and if the chemicals are floating around then you can basically lose the plot and do all sorts of stupid and irrational things that you otherwise wouldn't and get yourself in ridiculous situations so not having this happen is a plus. And it only lasts a while anyway. Long term, being friends with someone you get on with is what works I think.



tweety_fan
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18 Jun 2010, 6:07 am

Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you are meant to be in love with them all the time.



Abraham
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18 Jun 2010, 6:08 am

Ferdinand wrote:
No. Love is just chemicals in your brain. It is not some deep force or some mystery. It's just chemicals in your brain.




That's correct.

I once heard that having an orgasm is like taking heroin for a woman.

I've also heard that cocaine works on some of the same receptors involved during sex.

Also, the antidepressant bupropion (dopamine reuptake inhibitor like cocaine) increases sex drive.

All of this points to a neurochemical explanation of love and sex.

The good news is that, if somebody is 'aromantic', then the obvious solution is to alter/increase these chemicals in some way ....



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18 Jun 2010, 6:39 am

No one should tell you how you ought or ought not to feel. There must be a reason that you are in a relationship with this person and whatever that thing is important to both of you. That in itself is extremely special and it is yours between the both of you and is no one else's.

You describe feeling comfortable with him. That is something that I truly desire. I stress about so many things and how to interact with people, I want someone who I feel comfortable with. That is special.



persian85033
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18 Jun 2010, 1:14 pm

I feel this way, too. I am not really moved by anything like that. I know I'm supposed to feel something, but I just never do. I don't feel things like jealousy, either. I'm more jealous and possessive about my belongings, which I feel very strongly about. But for people...nope. I've actually wondered what love for another person is, that makes characters in books, and on tv and movies act so...irrational. I suppose that is what people are supposed to feel.


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CockneyRebel
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18 Jun 2010, 1:40 pm

I've never felt romantic feelings towards a member of the opposite sex. Too many painful memories of a man that I had a crush on, in college.


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MrXxx
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18 Jun 2010, 2:03 pm

I don't either, but it doesn't bother me. To me, love isn't about feelings, it's about what you do. Emotion just confuses things.

So I'm a Vulcan?


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18 Jun 2010, 2:34 pm

MrXxx wrote:
I don't either, but it doesn't bother me. To me, love isn't about feelings, it's about what you do. Emotion just confuses things.

So I'm a Vulcan?

Aspiring Vulcan, perhaps. It's a worthy and admirable goal.



Mama_to_Grace
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18 Jun 2010, 2:50 pm

I don't either. I may become somewhat obsessed with a person but when I am around them I feel fear, not love. Sometimes I even feel inadequacy. I've not had a mutually romantic relationship in 20 years and the one I had when I was twenty was based more on friendship. I do WANT to feel those kinds of feelings but never do.
I think I am immune to pheromones. :?



MrXxx
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18 Jun 2010, 3:01 pm

Lecks wrote:
MrXxx wrote:
I don't either, but it doesn't bother me. To me, love isn't about feelings, it's about what you do. Emotion just confuses things.

So I'm a Vulcan?

Aspiring Vulcan, perhaps. It's a worthy and admirable goal.


Some have called it cynicism. They have said the same thing about George Carlin. I, like him, prefer to call it realism.

Hey! There's my queue to switch out my avatar!


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CTBill
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18 Jun 2010, 4:03 pm

ponies wrote:
...the closest I can come to that is not minding being around the person and not wanting harm to come to them, or look after them when they are sick or hurt....

Why can't that be enough?

I cannot even fathom achieving the first (not minding being around someone in the context of a relationship).



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18 Jun 2010, 4:11 pm

Not everyone has the same needs for romantic love, and not everyone has the same inclination for it. I realize there is a of pressure from society to feel certain things and want certain things, but each person really needs to choose for themselves, based on their own needs and inclinations. Tune out the societal pressure; it exists to insure the continuation of the species, and has nothing to do with your own happiness.

Lol, that sounds so un-NT of me, doesn't it? Seriously, while I am happily married now, I actually resent the many years I spent chasing the rainbow instead of just living and enjoying my life. I got married when I was meant to, at the time I was meant to, and it was after I finally stopped listening to the pressure of society that it all came together for me. If it hadn't ... I'd be living a very different but also happy life.


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