How come some aspies have friends and others can't make any

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A friend is someone who sends me emails saying that they need my help in transferring money, a friend is someone who never has time for me but calls me up whenever they want or need something. The word friend is extremely overused nowadays. What most people call friendships; I want nothing to do with

I want friends and then I don't. I really don't have many friends, actually I have some acquintances..but I can't seem to move past that. I get very lonely and I don't really know how to keep friends. The reason I don't want friends is that they do tend to tax my energy and I feel like I understand them but they don't understand me.

That last thing you, about understanding them but not feeling understood... I relate to that. I do feel that way with at least some of my friends.

Exactly - and I can especially relate.

Would you really want to be "friends" with someone who values you only to the extent that you have something to offer to him or her?

I would honestly rather have 1-2 genuine friends than have 20+ "friends" who, for example, never make any effort to see me except when they need something.

Avoid those people like the plague. Find the people who are actually worthy of your time.

This, I've been tolerated by others in the past (and sometimes now,) as they figure that having a smart "friend" is a good thing to have, especially since they don't have to put any effort into actually being friends with them!

Anyway, it really depends on the other people, and the social skills of the aspie. My previous school (roughly from age 7-12) was filled with intolerant bullies and had an anti intellectual culture (not among the teaching staff, but among the students.) You can imagine how that treated a very introverted, curious Aspie. Now, I'm at a school which is much more accepting, and although I can't relate to the majority of the students, I'm not bullied and am somewhat "popular" (not in the Hollywood sense, but in the sense of being well-liked by practically everyone.) The difference between the two schools? The first school did not tolerate difference, the second did.

Last edited by samsa on 15 Nov 2010, 11:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Most Aspies I've met so far don't have a huge circle of friends, but only a few (even just 1) close friend.

Imo it mostly has to do with the automatic incompatibility between Aspies and NTs in terms of communication purposes.

Aspies have hobbies and interests and want to talk to others about those things, however quite likely most NTs around them them don't have similar interests and so it's hard for the Aspie to engage in conversation about things that they're not knowledgeable about.

Also, NTs connect to other NTs emotionally and laugh/joke about things for bonding purposes, which isn't part of the Aspie's innate communication styles. Therefore the Aspie won't gain much benefit from it, and they'll often find such NT behaviour boring and/or stupid.

There's also a thing about being higher functioning. An Aspie who has enough patience, time, and reserves of energy to IMITATE "NT Social Skills" will find it easier to fit in superficially with NTs and acquire more NT friends. I must warn you however that to fit in superficially with NTs requires a LOT of work on the Aspie's part and can take a huge toll on their mental and physical health.

However, I believe that it's important for an Aspie to learn or be taught "Functional Social Skills" that are sufficient for communicating with NTs while still appearing polite in NT society. This is very different from "NT Social Skills" for the purpose of connecting to other NTs emotionally and all that crap.

For me it's a matter of perspective. I have an active social life, but I have to be careful about labeling people as "friends" - I have trouble keeping them, and the more I label them "friends" the more attached I get and (apparently) the more comfortable I get being myself, and that freaks people out. So I try to keep it light and be cautious about letting my guard down. It's not real, but at least it's a social network.