I cant take myself anymore please tell me I'm not alone

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If this has been asked before I apologize.

I am very controlling I admit it and was wondering if anyone else controls their boy/girlfriend and or husband or wife.

I was an only child for 13 years and I usually got what I wanted and I guess I still think like that now and I really dont want to anymore. It causes a lot of fights between me and him and I really just want to stop. I really dont like being so selfish. I read an article that some asperger women basically try to be a mother to their partner and dont even mean to do it.

I dont want to do it and I dont understand why. I did it to ex boyfriends and I am really bad with my fiance. When I first met him I didnt do it at all I was the perfect girlfriend or at least close to perfect but then once I got comfortable with him it started. I am so bad now I even move his leg if I dont like where it is or I will tell him to stop singing if I dont want him to. I tell him if I want to leave somewhere and expect to leave then. He used to love fishing and snowmobiling and since I dont like it he hasnt done it in years. I would love to do it with him as long as it was for only a couple hours to start and then go longer once I got used to it. I just dont like being without him or away from him. I want to do things with him and do things that he loves to do if only we could come up with a way that everyone wins.

Does anyone know how I can go about this. I have gotten better over the years but it is still there. It feels like anytime something is bothering me my brain like shuts off and I tell him what to do or to stop doing what ever it is until I get what I want and then I feel so bad afterwards.

I just want to feel like a "normal" couple that doesnt fight very much and you know can feel like they can be themselves and not have to walk on eggshells like my man does all the time. I want to be the girl he fell in love with or at least something close to it. I dont want to be this way for the rest of my life.

Any advice would be great. Thank you

Find some personal interests and some fulfillment that has nothing to do with your boyfriend. It can not be very interesting for him to date someone who has no interests except him, and sabotages his personal interests too.

Labnjab, well done for realising where you're going wrong and having the guts to admit it here... just brace yourself for a few harsh comments- not everyone will be sympathetic, and you do sound like you need to mature a bit.

I suggest you find ways to encourage him to take up his hobbies again, with or without you; yes, he may be away for a day or two, but you're a grown-up. You'll live . And honestly, it will get easier to entertain yourself and pass time without him each time, so the early days will be the worst. If he texts you a couple of times when he's away, that may help as it shows he hasn't forgotten you.

Taking up your own hobbies and spending time without him will help you feel more independant of your bf and therefore you won't feel the need to control him as much. When you feel the urge to be a control freak, stamp down on it- you can control it and be an adult. Go for a walk, clear your head, write it down and then calmly bring up any issues that are bugging you and together work things out. You may be pleasantly surprised that sometimes you can get results without being controlling- after all, the guy loves you so it's not like he's planning on hurting you; it should be possible to come to a compromise of some kind.

I don't usually suggest psychiatry as a solution, but maybe some counselling or CBT will help? You are aware of your problem and are trying to face up to it and make changes, so therapy may actually benefit you.

I would recommend going through some sort of premarital therapy or couples therapy. The service is usually free through a church if either of you are religious. If you aren't, you could see a private therapist for not too much, especially with insurance.

It sounds like you have control issues, and you're aware of them. That's good, it's a major step to admit you're not perfect. I have the same problem, stemming from an abusive parent who wanted to control everything I did. Now I turn around and do the same, but I'm working on that.

Good luck to you.

You're definitely not alone. I divorced my last wife because she was like that.

I've been controlling my whole life and I would get very upset if things didn't go the way I expected it or the way I had it planned. I learned to be more flexible as I got older. My husband says I am still controlling but I let him watch TV and be on his computer so how is that controlling? He said I kicked him in the room to be on his computer so I wouldn't hear him talk to his game and I only let him watch TV when I am not using it. And also him being on his computer keeps him out of my hare. I can spend my time alone. But at least I am being flexible.

I let my husband do what he wants like if he wants to see a movie I don't want to see, he is welcome to see it alone. He can go to places by himself if I don't want to go there. That way we both get what we want. I go to his sister's place but I hate being out there so we aren't there long. Now with his parents living there, the house is cleaner and it's more comfortable to be there. I find ways for my husband to do things without having him bug me but it's a problem if he is stubborn, then that's when we argue. Like one time he used to wake me up by talking on the cell phone and I tell him if he wants to talk, go out in the hall and do it. But he was refusing to do it because it was his home too and he refused to kick himself out of his home just to talk on the phone and it upset me. He also said he didn't want neighbors hearing him talk on the phone so I told him to go out to my car then and talk. He still refused so I told him "fine, then I am done turning down the TV when he goes to bed." Hey it's my apartment too and if he wasn't going to respect me, why should I respect him by keeping the TV turned down when he sleeps? I am not going to keep things turned down in my own home. But luckily my husband talks quieter now on the phone or he goes in the bedroom and talks. I haven't had that issue in a while now.

Thank you for the advice so far.

I have been to therapy a few times and brought this issue up and the advice they gave didnt seem to help. Yes I am prepared for an array of comments. We would go to couples therapy but he doesn't want to go at all. He has put his foot down on that issue and basically says that once I get better we will get better.

Yes I do need to mature I have known that for years and yes I do need to think before being a control freak. Yes I am a grown up I just dont think my brain is.

I dont have my own interests and honestly I cant find any that sound enjoyable. Hence why I want to go with him and see why he enjoys his so much. I just would rather spend time together because we are apart when we work and we do have fun together when we are not fighthing. I did like to read but now I cant really stay focused on it long enough. I do want to find something we both enjoy and do that too. More so than just watching tv which we always do.

The main issue with fishing and snowmobiling is and I dont mean to offend anyone by saying this but how do people find standing or sitting around waiting until they catch a fish then throw it back and or keep it and do it all over again fun? The purpose of fishing is to catch a fish so catch one and then go home. But I know that isn't the point. I know its to enjoy the outdoors and the joy of hunting the fish same with snowmobiling to enjoy the outdoors and travel where a car cant reach. I dont know why I think this way I always have.

He did go fishing and snowmobiling alone a few times but it always ended up in an argument so that is out. I do understand that he wants to do those things and as I said gladly as long as to start we only go for a little while and then increase the time each time. Its more so to do with routine. It would disrupt what I am used to and would take time to get used to doing something different. (selfish I know) But its all I can think of to solve that issue. He has said he wants to do things with me he just wants to do the things he loves again so going alone isn't important to him.

We do need to come to some sort of compromise and we will eventually. It doesn't help that hes an outdoors man and I hate the outdoors and would rather be inside. That will take sometime to reach a happy medium.

The only big issues that we really argue about now is how we dont go to bed at a reasonable time and how when we fight he ends up calling me some pretty nasty names which offend me. Which we are working on but need to do better I know I do on my end. We haven't fought in a few days so I am thinking we are off to a good start. Gonna be a long process though. I am willing though to work on it it may be slow and not all at once but it needs to be done instead of it getting worse as the years go on.

I always wonder why he sticks around when he could do a whole lot better but hes still here and I am grateful dont get me wrong which is why I want to do better.

Thank you League girl. Sounds like you and I are alilke. Thank you for sharing your story too

Thank you Willard. I hope it doesnt come down to that. Biggest thing Im afraid of is that.

My ex husband was like that too, maybe we should fix them up together, lol!

Anyways, I agree with finding something you like to do, and if he wants to go fishing, etc, let him go on his own. Being together 24/7 and not being allowed to enjoy hobbies will bring nothing but resentment.

Very true. We aren't together 24/7 except on weekends. But I do know what you mean about the whole resentment thing. Looks like the compromise will have to be talked out more in depth soon. Today is just too hot.

let the man fish:/

I know a lot of NT women like this and have also, myself (NT), been like this in relationships. In my case and others I believe this controlling behavior comes from being unhappy about ourselves or feeling inadequate for our partner. This is apparent in your statement:

"I always wonder why he sticks around when he could do a whole lot better but hes still here and I am grateful dont get me wrong which is why I want to do better."

You may be trying to control him because of a fear that if you let him be on his own, his own person, he will see that there are better women in the world for him and he has options. This is not to say there actually ARE better women out there, it is just that maybe you believe that.

I think individual counseling would help you get to the bottom of this. I think you should view counseling as helping yourself rather than helping the relationship.

I have thought yes in the past that if he was out on his own that he would meet someone better.

Therapy just I feel doesnt help. It doesnt help me figure out why I am doing it and how to stop just gives tips on to just give up and just not do it which I have tried and failed at.

I guess its just going to take time. Its not that I dont mind hes out alone I would just rather spend time with him and figured if its something he enjoys doing we wont fight. Maybe thats wrong but I just want the fighting to stop.

As I mentioned earlier. He just wants to do them again and I at least want to go and see why they are so important instead of him just telling me have you know visual proof. Because I dont really understand why he likes them he explained it to me but maybe seeing him enjoy himself will show me that its something fun being that I do much fun things myself then we can do them together. I dont know thats just a thought.

Thank you again for all the help and advice so far. Its given me a lot to think about.

youll probably be less likely to fight if you both do things apart every now and then and have time to relax doing things you each enjoy

Very.true also if we got more sleep that will help too