Is this really inappropriate?

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Last weekend we had a little barbecue, where I invited some of my colleagues - it was pretty hard for me, it took about 3 years to finally go for it... but my wife (actually only a fiancee, but we're like that for 6 years, so I usually call her a wife) kept telling me that this time she won't allow me to retreat from the "party".

There was one colleague (a girl, but I don't think this matters), who is more than just a colleague now, I really do hope we'll become friends sometime, at least she already shared some of her deepest thoughts - and unfortunately I've already tried to demolish our blossoming friendship many times...

Anyhow, she wasn't sure if she can come, so she asked if I could give her my phone number to ring me up if she decided to come. I did so, although I was not really happy about it, I have only about 10 numbers in my cellphone, most of them are my family members. I usually delete a number if I don't really feel the need to keep it in my phone anymore.

Unfortunately she was unable to come. Anyhow, on Monday I asked her if she could throw away my number, because she doesn't need it anymore.

And she suddenly got all nervous and angry like a volcano and kept telling me that people don't ask something like this, and when I asked why, she just said that because it is just not at all appropriate. I tried to convince her, that she doesn't really need my number anymore, which was just oil on the fire. She told me that I should let HER decide if she needs my number in the future or not... Finally she throw my number away (it was just written on a small piece of paper), and she was really angry at me.

And I was still totally unable to understand why was this such a big favor to ask, or why was she thinking differently about the need of my number. OK, although I still can't get why this is such a big thing, but I understand that for her this was something unusual.

So I have two questions:

1. Do you think it was normal to start a rampage because of such an innocent question?
2. Do others look at you like if you were an idiot, when asking some question (that is normal for you but probably odd for them)?

Its not normal for you to ask someone to delete your number. That's like saying you don't want to be friends anymore. But if she got that upset, she probably is interested in you since you are currently single. If your fiance means anything to you, you should marry her and that way these kinds of girls will leave you alone.

Your question was odd. But as the person before me said, marrying your fiance may help keep girls from wanting more than friendship.

Thanks for the reply. But I just simply meant by asking that, that my number is no longer useful for her. Well, another part was probably that I feel that if she knows my number, she may try to call me. And if someone calls me unexpectedly, I would be rally nervous. I don't really like surprises, even if they are only phone calls.

I'm absolutely sure she's not interested in me as a man, I made it clear plenty of times that I'm not single and that I don't really want anything from her besides friendship. Or at least I HOPE she don't want something else, that would be terrible. I'm not really good in reading the others intentions, but it's usually me who starts to think there's more behind someones actions.

(ps. sorry for my English, I'm not a native speaker)

People normally keep phone numbers for as long as they want. Also, don't marry someone just because someone on a forum told you to.

it would have been normal to be offended as it's quite rude to ask for your number back; so what if you don't want many numbers, that doesn't mean she can't hold on to yours. She's hardly going to ring you up every 5 minutes.

But by ranting she came across as even ruder than you. And childish. It's just a number for gods sake and if someone thinks you're untrustworthy enough to have to give it back, well stuff them. I imagine it's not a situation she's ever encountered before, so she didn't know how she was 'supposed' to act.

If I were in her position, I would have given your number back and then got it off someone else just to spite you.

Probably would have written it in the bathrooms "call 081-your number" for a good time" just for good measure too

I'd apologise to her if I were you and offer to give her your number again. Chances are she won't accept it, and will blow you off, but at least you will have tried. Just be polite from now on... I don't think there's much chance of being friends anymore, not for a while anyway unless she's a very forgiving person...

Well, since I've apologized to her and she accepted that. I told her about my aspiness earlier and I think she now sees many of my weird behaviour differently. I think she still wants to be a friend of mine. But her response shocked me probably at least as much as my question shocked her.

To most people it would be an inappropriate question to ask to delete your number. So i can imagine why she got upset, as it was indeed unusual. Like someone else pointed out, it is like saying that you don't want them to contact you anymore, as in "I don't want to know you".

From you perspective it's pretty normal to ask. If you don't like surprises you can ask them to erase your number. But always be sure to explain why, as they may react as she did. So I don't know if her reaction was appropriate, but it is understandable.

Keep this in mind: AS react like you would expect, following logic; NT react as their feelings dictate, which is hard to understand or follow. So their reaction can look pretty strange to you, as your question may look pretty strange to them.

If you haven't done so, try to explain her why you ask her that question. That you only intended what you intended. Don't forget to ask if they understand, and if they don't ask what they don't understand. If you feel the need, apologize for making her upset (not the 'asking'-part, but the 'making her upset'-part) even though you did not intend to do so.

After this, behave normally to her. Just like before, after it is done, it is done.

Some people might leave him alone, but really, marriage matters little in terms of attraction. You can choose not to pursue it, but there are plenty of people out there who don't care if you're married or not. It doesn't really stop anything - you are the one who stops things, not the fact that you're married. The only difference between living together long term and being married is that people, instead of asking you when you're getting married, just ask you when you're having kids.

And yes, OP, that was an unusual thing to ask her. She probably got upset because she felt you were taking a step back in your relationship. Giving her your number was a sort of close thing to do and making her throw it away was like saying, "you're not allowed to call me anymore". Most people have tons of numbers in their contacts list even if they don't use them. I think it's good in this case that you told her you have AS.

It is an unusual request, but having lived with partners so jealous that any conversation with another female became a gigantic blowup, I can understand it completely. I wouldn't have given her my personal cell phone number in the first place (under those circumstances). And, like you I hate surprise phone calls, but that's what voicemail is for.

If she didn't have some personal investment in you, or a personality disorder of her own, there's no reason for someone to throw a tantrum over it, though. That reaction was far more inappropriate than you asking her to delete your number. As far as she's concerned, you're a married man, so excluding that one instance, she should have no need for your personal phone number and if she called you at any other time, that, too, would be inappropriate. I think she had designs on you.

That lady overreacted to an odd request.

But the situation would have been easier if you had been honest with yourself and her. You are being dishonest when you act like insisting that someone get rid of your phone number is some logical, matter-of-fact, no-big-deal thing. You insisted that she throw it away because of your own neurotic fears and issues. Then when she questioned why you would make such a weird request you try to turn it around on her and make it sound like she's the (only) one with the issue.

The real issue is that you are afraid of talking on the phone. I can understand that, but be honest with yourself and others about it. Insisting that someone throw out your phone number is not an "innocent question".

This is a just another situation where fear/anger/hatred begets more fear/anger/hatred. You are out of touch with your feelings and your motivations for doing things: a common Aspie trait. The important thing is you try to learn from your mistakes.

Instead of going on and on about "you don't really need my number..." you should've just said you are uncomfortable with answering and talking on the phone. With what you actually said, her mind reasonably read that as "I really don't want you to call me, but I don't want to tell you why! I am afraid of you and what you might do!"

Ideally she shouldn't have taken it personally, and focussed on "appropriateness". She should noticed your discomfort and calmy and nonjudgmentally asked, "Why is it so important that I not have your phone number?"

I don't think sugar coating it will help you so I'll be honest. If you'd done this to me I'd be both hurt and angered. It's quite rude to ask for your phone number back and shows a lack of trust. It's tantamount to accusing her of intent to misuse your phone number. It would come across to me as a hostile gesture and one that signifies a strong desire to not be friends. She may know you well enough to realize that you are quirky and might not read as much into it, but in a typical workplace relationship this is what it would mean.

I've had Doctors give me their personal home number and even they did not ask me to tear it up or return it. They simply asked me not to use it inappropriately. Since I had no personal relationship with them only a professional one that was appropriate. Asking me to return the number would have been insulting.

You absolutely right. I just meant that if/when he'd marry his fiance (or someone else to keep options open) females will hopefully leave him alone b/c he'd obviously be committed. (Though a fake wedding ring is always an option)

Alright I'm going to show some though love. What you did was weird.....WEIRD. If you give someone your number, it not natural to ask for her to delete it. Besides why did you ask her that question in the first place- did you fear that she will start calling you constantly. Dude unless she is hopelessly in love with you, she aint going to call you. It's like she never have your number. She has a right to be angry. If it was me I would be hurt too because you came off as being unfriendly and of course NT will take it the wrong way. If I were you, I would appologize to her because since you are working with her, it's going to be awkward. Hopefully, she is not the gossipy type because if she is everyone at your job is going to know. I'm sorry this sounds a little harsh but just being honest here.

Thanks a lot for all your honest comments, although I'm not sharing your views 100%, I'll try to learn from your words. Ok, now I see that it was perhaps really a weird question. But maybe I did not emphasize how angry she got. REALLY angry. And that is why it was questionable for me if what I asked for was really this bad.

Thanks a lot for all your honest comments, although I'm not sharing your views 100%, I'll try to learn from your words. Ok, now I see that it was perhaps really a weird question. But maybe I did not emphasize how angry she got. REALLY angry. And that is why it was questionable for me if what I asked for was really this bad. And I'm sure she's not at all in love with me I've actually already asked her that (maybe that was weird to ask, too), and she fortunately said no. Not that she wouldn't be attractive, but I'm totally tied to my fiancee emotionally.