Do you like thinking about suicide?

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I have only recently begun to think about suicide.

I was a total optimist until I past middle age.

At this point I finally realized that I would never have friends, never have a partner, never be fully competent at my job, and never be able to retire with any dignity. My career and single most important accomplishment - my children - now adult and NT - reject me for my weirdness. My life is exhausting and meaningless.

Then I needed to have an operation with general anesthesia. When I awoke, I missed the oblivion of unconsciousness. I yearn for it at times. Suicide is a heavy thing to lay on children though and I love them deeply.

i do not think about suicide for enjoyment. it is good however to think that i remain here by choice. i can leave any time i like. there may come a point when i am old and in pain and soon to die anyway that i choose my own end to obviate a more unpleasant one. i do not spend too much time speculating about that, but i have considered how best to go about it.

This negative crap is everywhere I go on these forums.........

Not exactly for enjoyment, and never with real intentions to do it, cause Im finished with that question, I like to live, but:

Sometimes to get rid of bad thoughts/feelings directly after Ive done/said something that was interpreted "wrong" by the public, I think of suicide. Its not a real question, its just a method for distracting me from feeling very stupid and experiencing the embarassing situation very intense, if I think of a cartoon me, shooting myself in the head, many times after each other in different colours and places until I feel ok. Sometimes I have to think of it in slow motion because its harder to get my attention off the things I want to lock out. This way I just postpone the problem and deal with it at another time, because in the situation it is just too heavy for me.

But off course this has not very much to do with the real suicide thoughts.

I think about it a lot every day.

Uhhh, no?

I got those thoughts all the time, until very recently. It was not even close, not even close to that, to being enjoyable.

Thankfully, while the depression's not completely gone, it's but a shadow of what it was now.