Emotionally Drained

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I have a 5 year old Aspie boy named Julian. I always knew there was something wrong with him ever since he was a baby. He did everything late. We found out he has Aspergers last year. He was tested at school and then again last month. They are still saying the same. He has bad behaviors where he will scream, kick, hit, bang his head against the wall, bite himself. He has wandered off quite a bit. He has snuck out of the house. We had to get a dead bolt lock on the front door and had to fix the windows so they won't open. We had his birthday at Chuck E. Cheese and he went under the red rope at the front and ran out of the door and almost ran into the highway. No one at his school has told me anything like how to address him and his behaviors. He's not on any medications or anything. It's almost like they don't want to do anything. I have no idea what to do and I don't know what sets him off. Sometimes I feel like a failure. I just want to give up. I am so emotionally drained. I just want to sit and cry. My husband doesn't get it. He stays gone all day on weekends usually. When he gets back, it's like he doesn't want to help me. I get so frustrated. I was so mentally tired, I ended up going to bed at 9:00. Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself as this is my first time here


Tina

First off, welcome to the forums

Hopefully you will get some useful advice here that will help you to better understand your child and have a more productive relationship.

As this is an excellent opportunity for shameless self promotion, I would also recommend the book that I am working on. Follow the link bellow for more information:

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The book is basically autism 101 and answers a lot of common questions that most parents new to the diagnosis have. It won't solve all your problems, but it is a good start.

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I am so sorry you are so drained...I think many of us have gone through that at one point or another...I will tell you what worked for me, which is not necessarily what the "experts" recommended...

1. I made a room in our house a "life is good room"...thick yoga mats, cd player (classical musica), water fountain and a poster I made that said "life is good"...When I saw he was losing it, and many times I too felt like I was about to lose it, I would take a deep breath, grab his HAND and nicely tell him "come on...let's go to our life is good room!" I would law down on a yoga mat next to him, and tell him to "close his eyes, take a deep breath, wiggle your toes, wiggle your fingers, etc..." and I would play some music and put the water fountain on...It got to where anytime he was overwhelmed or he saw ME overwhelmed, he would grab my hand and tell me "take a deep breath, let's go to life is good room and relax"...He was 5 when I started this.

2. Anytime he wanted to take a bath, I would allow him to take a bath as long as he felt necessary...I would read in the room next to him and play soft music as well...put some Epson salt in the bathwater (I think this truly helped him too)...Sometimes he did this 3-4 times a day! It didn't matter to me...if it calmed him down, he could do it.

3. I built him a little outside area in our yard with a sandbox, made a little hill, a palm tree, a little kid's bench under the tree, let him pick out some windchimes (made a T with some 2x2 wood) and he hung the windchime on the T...When he wanted to be outside, he was allowed outside as long as he wanted...sometimes he'd sit in his sandbox for hours and sometimes on his bench...it was in a corner away from the house...also made him a balance beam out of wood we bought at home depot...

4. I bought him a swing at IKEA that we put in his room in front of the TV...he would rock and rock for hours...

5. I never pushed him to be like other kids, but I did expose him to other kids as much as possible...if he played with them great, if not, fine too...

I can honestly say that 4yrs later my son is a different kid...I hardly have any problems with him or tantrums or anything. He is a joy to be around. Still today, we live in a place where he gets to ride his bike as much as he wants (he is almost 9 and just learned to ride a bike on his own about a month ago...we never pressured him to do things as other kids, but we bought him things other kids had and allowed HIM to go at his own pace)...anyway, he will ride the bike for hours, sometimes play with other kids, etc...and when he is tired or overwhelmed, he goes to his room, turns the AC on and plays with his Legos or watches movies, etc...

I also got him a cell phone at walmart...not for us to chat, but so that I can keep track of him as he rides his bike here and although it's a safe place, security, etc...I NEED to give him some space to learn without me there and yet make sure I can find him every 15mins or so...I wouldn't have probably given him so much flexibility at 5 though, as he did run away, etc...but right now it works.

Good luck...please take some time for yourself...do NOT see this as "something WRONG with him"...when you change your view of "we must fix him (dr's and schools favorite things to do) and something is WRONG", and instead begin to see all the great things he can do, how awesome so many things in autism/asperger's are, your stress will be lowered and your son will greatly benefit as well.

By the way, he loves music and at 5 we put him in music classes...tune in to what HE likes...some might say you have to PULL HIM OUT...I do not believe we do...I focused on what HE liked to pull him out...ie. if he liked trains, we only bought books about trains...if he liked dinosaurs, we bought math books, dvds, etc. about dinosaurs...with that, he began to feel more at ease at coming out of his world and playing/enjoying time with us...

Hi and welcome!

My eldest two sons have Asperger's. The eldest of the two behaved a lot like your describing Julian, but not all Aspies are runners like that. My second Aspie son wasn't. The behaviors your describing can also be explained by other things like ADHD, but I realize your not telling us every detail of your son's behavior.

Aspies are usually not late to do everything, usually it's just the social stuff. In fact speech delays can be used to rule out a diagnosis of AS...though I know some Drs will diagnose a kid who's overcome speech delays as having AS. If an Aspie has other delays it may mean there are other issues going on in addition to the AS or another diagnosis altogether.

Have you had any private testing done? If you are in the USA, and many other countries, school testing isn't very thorough or helpful. Schools can't afford the better tests. A psychologist who specializes in Autism Spectrum Disorders and learning disabilities should be able to give you a lot more help. They will do more comprehensive and detailed tests that can help you find his strengths as well as weaknesses. For instance, we found out that my eldest son has a severe deficit in his cognitive processing speed but is extremely gifted in visual spatial reasoning. His overall IQ is quite good. Based on that we learned to give him more time to do things, but to expect academic achievement.

To end on an encouraging note, running is something that many kids outgrow. Eldest son stopped doing it around age 7. Before that he'd run into traffic or any dangerous place he could get to in a heartbeat. It was extremely difficult to keep him safe and I know how stressed you must be right now. If there is any way you can put him in a Mother's Day Out program or someplace safe so you can get out and do something nice for yourself, I strongly encourage you to do that.

Julian was late at sitting up, walking and talking. He didn't sit up until he was 9 months old, he didn't walk until he was 18 months and didn't really start talking until he was 2. He goes to a special needs school where he takes ST, PT, OT, and Mental Health. He also has a low IQ in the boarderline range. He sees a Phsycologist at his school who diagnosed him with Aspergers. I took him to see a different one and she said she doesn't believe that he does have it. She said I could have him further tested but I really don't want to put him through that since he will have to get tested again next month. I am taking him to see his normal doc to get a referral for a place called Dayspring which is a behavioral clinic. His Mental Health Therapist suggested it since he will no longer be receiving it at school once he graduates which is next month. I believe they also do testing. They also have their own doctors that the patience see once a month. I am going to ask them to test him to see if he has ADHD. I really think he does. He has all the symptoms of having it. He doesn't pay attention, he has a short attention span, he interrupts, talks out of turn, yells out of turn, has no inside voice, can't play quietly, can't stay seated down, is fidgety, all of that. This clinic has outings where the case worker will come to our house and pick him up and then will drop him off. He will be having his group session as well as his indivisual sessions. I hope this all will work out. I will let you guys know how it goes

I think that the Life is Good room, is a really good idea.

I am starting to think that myself. I did some research after he diagnosed him and I read that usually people with Asperger's are very smart and they actually start to do things early like talking for example. He based it off of Julian's social skills and how he likes to play by himself rather than other kids. I have been doing research on ADD and ADHD as well as other behavioral problems. I am awaiting a phone call from a therapist for an appointment at the behavioral clinic. I have 2 nephews and a niece who go there so I know they are very good therapists there. He will get his own therapist and his own case worker. I have got to find out what is wrong with him. I don't know how much more I can take with his behavior. And if they won't help, I will keep looking until I find someone who will

Well, technically the delay with things like talking and walking is considered more autistic, whereas the stereotypical person with asperger's syndrome talks early. But to be honest it is an arbitrary and silly differentiation. You can look for labels all day long and never find one that fits perfectly because there is no label that properly describes the complexity of a person.

If you have read the book I sent you then you know what I am talking about.

Sorry to jump into this thread but all of this has brought up a subject which I find very confusing HFA vs Asperger's. My daughter was dx Asperger's by a very competent team of neuropsychs and pedi psychiatrists at major Univ Science Center. However, after reading Tracker's book and reading other things it seems my daughter should be dx HFA. Does so much of US dx criteria overlap that no one is really concerned with the distinction? Or is it because of my daughter's High IQ that she was classified as AS? She had no words at all unil 2.5 years and was delayed in most gross/fine motor. Despite her "history" all of her current presentation leads to AS diagnosis, maybe that's why they made that dx? Although she's very good at math and a very visual person. I'm so confused by the distinction---I guess it really doesn't matter. (Except for a fact based person like me)

Welcome. I am the mom of an AS kid (age 14) with lots of anger-related issues, and I have AS myself. I came to this site about a year ago exhausted, needing a hug or something, because I couldn't stand what was happening to my son. People here helped me a lot. Just the fact that they are listening makes a huge difference.

In California the difference in labels decides whether you qualify for regional services or not. AS does not qualify, HFA does qualify.