Setting Boundaries
16 Jul 2010, 12:23 am
So I finally had the courage to go upstairs into the lounge tonight with all the other students. I'm very quiet before I start socializing I don't want people to pick on me. I scope the room to see who is nice and who are jerks. I happened go sit by a classmate who is black, I am black too. He looks sort of puerto rican and I was going to ask him one of these days if he's black. So he is in the honors college, I was in the IB program in high school, so I know myself the black people can be smart. So everyone else was like "OMG you are in honors, a black guy in honors", so I asked the guy "Oh, so you're black" with a smile on my face because I wasn't sure if he was black or not. I was always curious, and he goes "yea". So then some other black guy goes "Oh so why are you asking him if he's black, what are you trying to say, black people can't be in honors", I said "No I'm just asking" and the honors black guy said "yea he's just asking" and the other black guy goes "No, it seems like you're being like everyone else, wondering how a black guy can be in honors". I saw what was coming next, so i quickly put up my guard got mean I said "Shut up, I was just asking if he's black because I wanted to know and nothing more!!" and then the stupid guy just waved his hand and me and looked away and was quiet for the rest of the time and finally got up and left.
I think I made him feel stupid, which is good, ebcause he was trying to make me look like a fool. Idk why he didn't ask any of the white people who were laughing at the fact that the guy was in honors, those would be the right people to ask. Let's use common sense, why would I be racist against my own race?
I don't think I am gonna hear much from that guy anymore. If this was years ago i wouldn't have said anything and the guy would've made me feel stupid for a stupid reason and then he would've keptv trying to pick on me and then i would've had a meltdown and got kicked out of the program. But nowadays I am brutal to people when they come at me, so I can protect myself, because I am vulnerable, and I don't want people seeing that or else they will use it to hurt me.
did I do the right thing? did the guy sound like he was trying to make me look stupid? I hate socializing for reasons like this.
16 Jul 2010, 12:50 am
Well it got him off your case for now but there may have been a better way to diffuse the situation.
You could have just calmly said "I'm asking because he looks kind of Puerto Rican and I'm interested in ethnography."
And if he persisted I probably would have just waived him off or told him to stop being so insecure.
The guy could have been joking with you though.
16 Jul 2010, 12:53 am
You could have just calmly said "I'm asking because he looks kind of Puerto Rican and I'm interested in ethnography."
And if he persisted I probably would have just waived him off or told him to stop being so insecure.
The guy could have been joking with you though.
No he was serious, he seemed mad and offensive. so I came back at him. I have been being so mean lately though, it's a part of the insecurity in me that people will try to pick on me again. There's nothing wrong with it, but I don't like being mean. But when I was so nice people walked all over me, so I tend to stay away from people or give them a piece of my mind.
16 Jul 2010, 4:32 am
Ah the rebound effect. The issue is, as you said, setting boundaries. A lot of people, and not just people with AS, don't know where to set them. And when they don't set them or make them clear, they get walked on, and then they get upset, and then they swing the other way and set them to far out.
They don't know where middle is so they hover around extremes.
You need to try to find some middle ground. To do this you are going to have to put some effort into trying to decide what is reasonable, what is fair, what is appropriate, etc.
Situations should ideally be resolved in a civil manner. Being civil is different from being nice and submissive. It does not mean you are going to agree with the other person to avoid confrontation. It does not mean you are not going to stand up for yourself. It means that you are willing to work with a person and afford them a degree of respect should they choose to participate in a civil exchange. It also means you do not wish for the situation to escalate. However it does not mean they are entitled to your respect no matter how they treat you.
Some people will start out undesirable and have a "change of face" so to speak, when they realize you are attempting to be civil. This is usually either because they realize they were acting inappropriately or misunderstood you and no longer feel threatened. Likewise, it's important to be civil because you may misunderstand someone else. If someone says something you take the wrong way and you respond negatively, it creates a hostile situation. If you respond in a civil manner, it gives the person a chance to clarify.
Some people, however, are not interested in civil resolutions, or don't understand they are being d!cks, and you may have no choice but to be a bit harsh.
