domestic violence- need to understand

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I have had several relationships where my partner has wanted to hit me, the first one led to extreme violence and the other 2 just mild stuff but it was mutually viewed that they would lead to worse violence further down the line and both terminated before it could get worse.

It makes me feel very bad about myself that people want to hit me when they get to know me, I have not wanted to hit them. I dont understand why people want to be violent to their partners and why Im so especially provoking.

I dont want to have another relationship where the guy wants to hit me but I dont understand how to not make it happen. All of the guys said they hated domestic violence and deplored what the other ones had done, yet they all became violent so i dont understand.

They all said I 'made them' do it and that Im just too annoying and deserved to be hit and said any 'right thinking' man would, they said I had provoking expressions and were too 'upity'/stroppy, they said I did not respect them enough, and I need to be taught a lesson. However Im not aware of doing those things which makes it hard to not do.

They were all very nice people who everyone would say were 'nice guys' and did not seem to have been violent in their previous relationships. So I must bring it out in people.

I want to understand it better as I dont want it happening again.

any thoughts welcome

Wow Lotusblossum... you would be the last person I would have thought to have fallen into this pattern of thinking...

You haven't caused anyone to hit you. You are not a 'hittable' person anymore than somone who gets knocked over by a car is a runoverable person.

You may have developed a pattern of choosing people who react to stress in a certain way though, so it may be wise to look at what kind of guys you go for in order to avoid them in future.

Their violence is their problem. As long as you didn't start the violence first, then you are not responsible in any way.

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/

If they were really kind, hitting people would never cross their minds when they get upset. You don't bring it out in people, they bring it out of themselves. You need to choose someone who understands the difficulty Autistic people have reading other peoples emotions. You deserve a little extra patience from the guys you choose to have a relationship with. Don't put up with a guy who shows impatience because it may be the early sign you picked wrong again.

I know people like to choose the same type of person over and over, but you need to change it up a little. Try going about finding your next relationship in a different way than you normally do.

Was there violence in your home with your parents?

I too dated someone in the past who was regarded as "perfect" by all who knew him. He was extremely "charming" and sweet natured. He had many friends, many of them women, who just thought he was a "sweetheart." Very soon after becoming close, he started degrading me- calling me a "weirdo" and "nerd" (and not in a loving, teasing way). Then he started hitting on women in front of me. he told me I was fat (totally NOT. I only weighed 130 AT MOST and I am 5'4". I had other guys hitting on me a lot). He started telling me how to dress. When I told him I didn't want to see him any more since he wasn't happy and obviously wanted to see other girls he was cool. Until he saw me talking to someone he knew at a party. He FLIPPED. Threatened to kill me. Tried to pull me out of a car that was about to move- I could have been crushed under the car. It was madness. Yet, all the people who knew us said it must have been MY fault, or that he just must have been drunk or something because he was always "so sweet." He then began STALKING me. He called my home incessantly and threatened my family (I was living with my parents). And STILL our "friends" took his side because I was always "off" and I was lucky to have him considering how weird I was (Everyone agreed I was good-looking, but I "wasted" it by being odd )

I told him to leave me alone or that I was going to file a RO. That freaked him out I guess and he finally backed off.

My grandmother was once married to a man like this too. Before they married he swept her off her feet. He was SO sweet and charismatic. He had many friends. When they married he turned into a serious wife-beater. Beat her within an inch of her life on MANY occasions. He also molested my aunt. She was so convinced it was HER fault because she MADE him do it by "upsetting" him she allowed this for years. It took my mother shoving a gun in his face to get rid of him. And the WHOLE time every one of their friends and fellow church-goers just could not say enough nice things about him.


Anyway, the point is this is how these sickos WORK. It doesn't matter how annoying, mean, rude, "fill-in-blank-with-negative-behavior" you are. There is no reason to hit anyone else, unless you fear for your life and are protecting yourself. it is a known fact that people who find themselves in these situations, do so in some kind of pattern. My husband explained it to me the other day:

Let's say a girl has a troubled family. Dad's a drunk and is abusive, generally scary. Mom is weak or absent. Dad goes on binges and gets abusive. Then he sobers up (enough) to feel bad (this ALWAYS happens) and gets all lovey and protective. The girl actually grows up associating some of the bad things with comfort. maybe the smell of drink, maybe something else. But it is something another man who has similar issues also shares. She sometimes grows up and actually NEEDS the bad thing to feel comfort. This leads her to go from one drunk abuser to another.

Now, I'm NOT saying that is what's going on here. Just using that as an example. Maybe something similar is going on, maybe not. But one thing is clear- these men are wolves in sheep's clothing. They are NOT nice. You did not create abusers. THEY decided to get all crazy. THEY are/were the problem. It is possible something about them gave you comfort but that thing was inappropriately associated with comfort at some time before. And that process would be unconscious, it's conditioning- not a logical process. But one can learn to identify it and learn to avoid it. IF that's what's going on. But I do not know you so I can't say for sure.

Again, all I can say for sure is that 1) it was NOT your fault. EVER (unless you were getting violent, which it doesn't sound like that was the case) and 2) They were abusers. Period.

I wish you better luck in the future

BTW, my husband and I have gotten into MANY fights. Some REALLY bad. He has thrown things, yelled, called me names, said awful things but has NEVER hit me. Not even close.

I don't know if this will be useful to you but here goes:-

My brother has a friend named Norman. The friendship has lasted 30 years. Norman is universally acknowledged to be absolutely the sweetest guy you could ever meet. And he is, every time we meet, what a great guy!

Norman's been married 3 times. We giggle that we have to be careful not to wear the same thing to the next wedding as to the last one.

And the thing that made me open my eyes: it was Christmas Eve. My 3yo nephew was helping by passing out the TV trays, one at a time, hoisting the folded TV tray up onto his shoulder and proudly presenting it to the adult, who would thank him and praise him. The little kid was in his glory for doing a grown-up thing at the party. And then he brought a TV tray to Norman, who took it, opened it - and it came apart in his hands, as TV trays often do. Without missing a beat, he looked at the little kid, gasped and said, "Look what you did!" The kid's eyes got wide. Norman went on, "You broke it!" This went on until the kid was white as a sheet and I grabbed him and said, "You didn't do that, go see Grandma."

The kid took off to be with Grandma in the kitchen and I sat there and waited for Norman to say something but he didn't - not one word.

So then I knew the truth about sweet Norman and his 3 marriages (so far). He's as mean as a snake.