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b9
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24 Aug 2010, 2:17 am

i used to attract angry people. some of them were so attracted to me that their friends could not even restrain them from wanting to get close to me, and they bolted after me as i ran down the street to get away.



crocus
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24 Aug 2010, 3:52 am

That sucks MissConstrue. I've been there. It could be a variety of things are going on.

1.) You have outgrown some of your friends in that you don't want to partake in the drinking to get along thing. That could have the effect on them as not seeing you as part of the group anymore and rejecting them. People are weird about s**t like that. It shouldn't make a difference, but unfortunately it often does. It could also make them project onto you that something is wrong with you because you don't want to do the same things they do (ie. get drunk), because they don't want to see anything wrong with any of their own behaviour.

2.) Random people getting angry at you for no logical or discernable reason could be "dumping" or "scapegoating." Angry projecting people have a way of honing in like a geiger counter on those that don't express anger and they use you like an unwitting toxic dump for their s**t. And that is exactly what it is. THEIR s**t. Not yours. Blow 'em off like they deserve :D



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24 Aug 2010, 4:39 am

MissConstrue wrote:
Aimless wrote:
MissConstrue wrote:
In real life as well this has happened though the message wasn't very clear.

True I might expect too much but I often find when people get to know me better, they don't want me to be around their other friends. I discovered one girl whom I was friends with since childhood I hadn't seen in 2 years. I found out through her other friends and on facebook she was having wedding. Her mother asked if I got the invitation I told her no. She was about to tell her about it but I was too hurt and asked her not to bother, that I already had plans. Before that I asked how she was doing and she told me same as usual. Like I said, this hasn't been the first time this has happened to me but it did hurt me since we'd known eachother for a very long time. I also still have trouble fitting in with peers even though they're much older now. Everyone is either married and with kids or have a home of their own and going to college...which I can't afford but that's another issue all together..


That has happened to me too. I don't assume people are angry. I'm pretty mild mannered. I think it's more they think I'm uncool and boring.


This exactly how I feel and why I use to drink a lot. When I drank I found myself feeling more accepted but since I've been sober I'm starting to get that feeling again like I'm too boring. I guess it's one of those things I'll have to learn to accept but I think there's a lot of truth to that in myself.


The truth of the matter is, they bore me. I guess I was hanging out hoping someone would want to talk about something besides the usual back and forth of social banter. WP is the closest thing to a social life I've had in 10 years. I'm not complaining. :wink:



conundrum
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24 Aug 2010, 11:32 am

crocus wrote:
That sucks MissConstrue. I've been there. It could be a variety of things are going on.

1.) You have outgrown some of your friends in that you don't want to partake in the drinking to get along thing. That could have the effect on them as not seeing you as part of the group anymore and rejecting them. People are weird about sh** like that. It shouldn't make a difference, but unfortunately it often does. It could also make them project onto you that something is wrong with you because you don't want to do the same things they do (ie. get drunk), because they don't want to see anything wrong with any of their own behaviour.

2.) Random people getting angry at you for no logical or discernable reason could be "dumping" or "scapegoating." Angry projecting people have a way of honing in like a geiger counter on those that don't express anger and they use you like an unwitting toxic dump for their sh**. And that is exactly what it is. THEIR sh**. Not yours. Blow 'em off like they deserve :D


+100! Very well-said! :)


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marshall
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24 Aug 2010, 11:49 pm

MissConstrue wrote:
conundrum wrote:
MissConstrue wrote:
When I drank I found myself feeling more accepted but since I've been sober I'm starting to get that feeling again like I'm too boring. I guess it's one of those things I'll have to learn to accept but I think there's a lot of truth to that in myself.


So you had to drink to be "accepted" and not be seen as "boring."

No offense, but you were looking for acceptance from the wrong people.


It wasn't just that. When I drank I felt more relaxed and didn't feel so akward it also made me feel more sociable amongst other things. And yes I did attract the wrong kind of people but at the time it felt better than being alone.


Same here. I have to drink before I can feel relaxed enough to engage with people or even feel comfortable enough to hang out in a noisy/distracting environment. Otherwise I'm too bothered by my aching back, that bead of sweat rolling down my forehead, and the shrill laughter swelling from across the room. Without alcohol I'm just too uncomfortable to think at parties.

I think it's better to have friends that are into doing things, games, activities, etc... rather than partying all the time. That's the only real solution. When you're engaged in a joint activity you automatically feel socially engaged through the activity without having to perform any banter / chit-chat.



Last edited by marshall on 24 Aug 2010, 11:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

crocus
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24 Aug 2010, 11:52 pm

conundrum wrote:

+100! Very well-said! :)


thanks 8)



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25 Aug 2010, 1:20 am

marshall wrote:
Same here. I have to drink before I can feel relaxed enough to engage with people or even feel comfortable enough to hang out in a noisy/distracting environment. Otherwise I'm too bothered by my aching back, that bead of sweat rolling down my forehead, and the shrill laughter swelling from across the room. Without alcohol I'm just too uncomfortable to think at parties.


Which is why I never go to any.

marshall wrote:
I think it's better to have friends that are into doing things, games, activities, etc... rather than partying all the time. That's the only real solution. When you're engaged in a joint activity you automatically feel socially engaged through the activity without having to perform any banter / chit-chat.


I agree completely.

crocus wrote:
conundrum wrote:
+100! Very well-said! :)


thanks 8)


You're welcome.


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is barely known to those he leads.
He acts without unnecessary speech,
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'It happened of its own accord.' -Tao Te Ching, Verse 17


daspie
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25 Aug 2010, 2:56 pm

MissConstrue wrote:
Seems no matter what I do or say I get people angry at me for a reason that's never explained. I know one of my problems is answering right back to people. When I do it feels like it takes so much effort to explain myself coherently and often I find myself taken the wrong way or misconstrued. I feel like I have to isolate myself everyone or for some unexpected reason I invoked their wrath.

Does anyone else find themselves dealing with this problem?

I am teaching self learned language skills on love and dating section, thread is decipher that social interactions. Please be there, it may solve your problems regarding communication!



sickforapathyx
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27 Aug 2010, 1:48 am

Well, I think this is something that nobody realizes. I wont to into detail now but..

Part of having AS is social awkwardness and interovertion. People who are socially interoverted are seen by normal people as boring, annoying, or awkward to hang out with or be around. So what does happen sometimes is they wont invite you to hang out with friends of theirs because they are either embarrassed to be around you, or you would make the crazy fun that they would have less fun.

Another thing is people have a tendency to get angry easier at people who have a low self esteem, social awkwardness, etc. There is already an annoyance from the person being boring, or awkward to talk to/be around. A lot of the times we come across as stupid, or for saying stupid things a lot to normal people. So we already come off to them as annoying, and if we say/do something in particular that would seriously annoy them, upset, or anger them they do snap at you, lose interest, and dislike you a lot easier. Eventually what happens to me most of the time is that people will just say something of the like that they can't stand my personality and then will block me on IM, delete me from facebook, or say that they dont want talk anymore.



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27 Aug 2010, 3:17 am

sickforapathyx wrote:
Well, I think this is something that nobody realizes. I wont to into detail now but..

Part of having AS is social awkwardness and interovertion. People who are socially interoverted are seen by normal people as boring, annoying, or awkward to hang out with or be around. So what does happen sometimes is they wont invite you to hang out with friends of theirs because they are either embarrassed to be around you, or you would make the crazy fun that they would have less fun.

Another thing is people have a tendency to get angry easier at people who have a low self esteem, social awkwardness, etc. There is already an annoyance from the person being boring, or awkward to talk to/be around. A lot of the times we come across as stupid, or for saying stupid things a lot to normal people. So we already come off to them as annoying, and if we say/do something in particular that would seriously annoy them, upset, or anger them they do snap at you, lose interest, and dislike you a lot easier. Eventually what happens to me most of the time is that people will just say something of the like that they can't stand my personality and then will block me on IM, delete me from facebook, or say that they dont want talk anymore.

I completely agree with this. This is because asperger's reduces our social position. People tend to punish us even for small errors. Therefore i believe it is very important for us to be physically strong and because of this i have started doing work out.



sickforapathyx
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27 Aug 2010, 11:40 am

^
I don't know what to do about as*holes who have a tendency to stomp on people like that. Not everyone has to put up with someone like that, and they piss me off.

One of the best ways to reduce social awkwardness is having a higher self esteem. If you stand up for yourself, have confidence to talk to girls, etc you have more energy and wont be as afraid of approaching people and come off as having a higher social standing.



marshall
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27 Aug 2010, 7:11 pm

sickforapathyx wrote:
Another thing is people have a tendency to get angry easier at people who have a low self esteem, social awkwardness, etc.

It's because they think a person with low self-esteem won't retaliate. They feel too comfortable taking their anger out on someone who doesn't do anything back.

For me it seems like I've been damaged emotionally by this from past experiences to the degree that I've become an extremely angry and hateful person myself. I'll snap back extremely harshly at anyone when I sense an impatient or disrespectful tone directed towards me. This basically disqualifies me from any kind of job where I'd have to put up with crap from superiors. I also have to be very careful to avoid situations that might cause me to get physical with someone.



manBrain
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29 Aug 2010, 6:01 am

Hi.
Here is a new aspect to the angry reaction dynamic, and it sure is true for me:

the sound of my voice is fundamentally irritable.

this is because I constantly have a mega-processor load of sensory and social stuff.
And, because I have trouble controlling my voice pitch and volume.
Mostly, people assume that I am at a much higher state of arousal/grumpiness than I actually am.
This can spell disaster in social situations for sure, as all those NTs out there make significant judgements about a person by the tone of their voice.

Bumr.

I try to get around this by putting on funny voices, like Borat. Most people get the joke, and even join in. Unfortunately this tactic is not so appropriate for business meetings, or relationship discussions....



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29 Aug 2010, 9:05 am

manBrain wrote:
Hi.
Here is a new aspect to the angry reaction dynamic, and it sure is true for me:

the sound of my voice is fundamentally irritable.

this is because I constantly have a mega-processor load of sensory and social stuff.
And, because I have trouble controlling my voice pitch and volume.
Mostly, people assume that I am at a much higher state of arousal/grumpiness than I actually am.
This can spell disaster in social situations for sure, as all those NTs out there make significant judgements about a person by the tone of their voice.

Bumr.

I try to get around this by putting on funny voices, like Borat. Most people get the joke, and even join in. Unfortunately this tactic is not so appropriate for business meetings, or relationship discussions....

Try to sing classical music. I developed understanding of intonation and understanding of classical music, pitch, prosody etc....., at the same time. Therefore I believe they are connected. It may be of help :? .