hello everyone..my name is Vanessa and i am diagnosed with aspergers. i am also transgendered which just makes life that much more interesting than if i was just an aspie!! !
at this point i still present/live as male most of the time although if i had my druthers i'd be living as female full time and taking steps towards full transition including getting my genitals rearranged to look like those that most other women have. the main thing stopping me is that my spouse so far has not been very positive about the whole thing, and as we have a good relationship otherwise it is hard for me to even think too much about ending it so that i can become a full time woman.
"Goldman" is not my real current last name, i chose it in honor of Emma Goldman (and also made my middle femme name Emma in her honor). for those who are saying "Emma who?" she was an anarchist/socialist/feminist of the late 1800s and early 1900s in the USA. my social and political beliefs are similar to hers, so there you go.
anywhoo..as to Aspergers and me...i was diagnosed about 15 years ago after having some difficulty at the job i had at the time. the diagnosis seems to make sense to me and has helped me to understand myself better and to adjust my thinking and behavior enough to get along OK in the world.
It is still not always easy, though. i take Paxil for social anxiety and it seems to help. my job (university librarian) involves teaching library skills to groups of students and this used to be VERY anxiety provoking. i'd end up flashing back to when i had to do oral presentations in high school and college, when it always felt awkward and i was often made fun of for not being able to look "smooth" or "cool" or whatever. The paxil has, i think, helped take the edge off and now there is little or no anxiety and i even kind of enjoy being able to impart some knowledge to students and feel like i am making a difference in their lives.
social interaction is still often difficult and frustrating for me. i never know when it is ok to say something when a group of people are having a conversation, and i all too often get scolded for "interrupting" or otherwise butting into the conversation at the wrong time. so then i overcompensate for that by keeping quiet and waiting for a really obvious lull in the convo, which all too often does not happen and then i tend to get irritated because i feel left out of the conversation and am too afraid of the "interrupting" accusation to speak up. or i speak up relatively softly/quietly (again out of fear of being accused of interrupting or otherwise being rude) and simply get ignored while the other people just steamroll ahead with nonstop jibber jabber.
don't know how related to Asperger this is, but i have a VERY major aversion to any sort of conflict, argument, or otherwise tense encounter. this comes up at times with my spouse and i....for example, as regards my being transgender. we have tried talking about it, but she has seemed to be very hostile to me being trans and that just makes me not want to talk about it, even though we really need to talk about it to figure out how to balance my need to express my femininity/femaleness with her not really liking it at the moment, or do we need to break up because it is irreconcilable?? it just really freaks me out to think of all the bad vibes that are likely to get raised and so i just try to deal with not being able to be Vanessa as much as i'd like, and it kinda sorta basically works but on another level quite frankly it sucks.
anyway..that's some basics about me...i look forward to reading and posting more and getting to know others here
24 Aug 2010, 10:53 am
