I am at a loss - was it autism? Quirkiness? I need to know

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My son growing up has been really different from his peers. However I see him now - he's in 8th grade and he may not be the coolest kid in his class, but there is no rocking, he shows empathy and moments of not over-the-top teen angst.

So now I'm left wondering... Can anyone give me SOME idea of what was the deal with my son? He has a friend now - although granted, he seems to have some quirks himself.

I should just be happy my son is doing so great. But I am left with so many questions. I just want to know what was going on. This is more for me than my son, I fully realize.

Let me give you the short of it.

Growing up he was overwhelmed easily. Tended to throw himself into displays at stores, flopped at preschool into a dead weight, and did very odd semantic things. "I want to carry you me Daddy-her." His receptive language was VERY delayed. He had a high risk follow up where they expressed concerns at his delays. When he was slightly older - like 8 - if he wanted to play with someone he might get overly excited and throw say a shoe at them thinking they were having fun. He totally missed if a kid was making fun of him right to his face. He laughed giddily with him. And he talked rigidly like a professor. Physically he had a lot of delays - slow to ride a bike, slow to learn to walk, ran with his arms like flags behind him.

Fast forward to now - 8th grade. While he is not "cool" he is not considered a "weirdo" either. Kids make a point of saying hi to him. He is multiple sports and does about average to low average. He has a best friend now. He is doing pretty well managing his own schedule and getting to things he needs to get to. He is really good at empathy. I overheard a phone call with a friend who got water in his basement and he said "Man, that sucks." and things like that.

So I NEED to know (I don't care if you're doctors or not - I 'm not going to sue you! I JUST want an opinion. What is the deal? I don't understand??? My son who has always had a heart of gold seems to be flourishing. While I am SOOO happy about this, I feel like I don't understand. I want to know what happened. Did I imagine it??? Can kids with aspergers come to fit in normally? He was never diagnosed so do you think it was just normal extreme quirkiness? I mean he told a kid once around 9 who wanted to play with him "That would be great! Then I can burn your house down." (meaning that sounds wonderful). HELP!! ! on opinions!! ! No one is going to help me with ideas with a kid who is doing great in junior high, but I want to know.
THANKS
NL

Im not going to say wether or not he is but i have to say that maybe half of what you've stated applies to me and my psych thinks i have AS. Might want to get him checked out, just be careful as some professions are impossible if you have been diagnosed with anything.

I think if he ain't broke right now, don't fix him. As for the line "Now I can burn your house down" that's similar to the adult "Now I'll have to kill you" which is funny in context. Tests can ruin people. It sounds like he was a slow bloomer and now he's flourishing.

I don't think you imagined any of that. Kids can indeed develop coping skills as they grow, but still have the underlying neurology. If you can find a professional well versed in AS who can advise you, that might help.

He's also hitting puberty right now, which can and does change things and people can gain coping skills during it. It sounds like it might be an ASD, but it sounds like he no longer meets the diagnostic criteria.

It an go either way, the stress worsening symptoms or enough awareness to develop coping strategies.

But his history does sound an awful like autism. Does he have intense interests? Does he focus more on detail? If he were autistic he'd still view the world as autistic. Check out the Parenting Section of the forums, they can help with things if there are ever any problems.

This is certainly true. I became worse and had to re-learn almost all of my coping skills when I was NickyLynn's son's age.

Not sure I have answers, but the mere fact of having a friend as opposed to being Mr Marginal can make big differences - did for me and for #1 son .

I would incline to sitting back and watching developments - but then that is my norm.

It seems to me (I'm a woman in her 50's on the spectrum) that there are several types of people on the spectrum - I have noticed two specifically
those who have fairly severe challenges when quite young but improve considerably (even exponentially) as they get older
those who are fine or sometimes precocious when they are young but expereince major challenges as they get older (but don't mature appropriately) often from teenagehood onwards.

sounds to me as a total non-expert that your son is in the first category.

Oh, I was thinking about this last night. Have you ever thought just a general delay or a speech disorder would fit better? Especially if he does things like appropriate eye contact, no intense interests...

http://www.out-of-sync-child.com/
http://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/

Thanks for the ideas. We actually tried taking him to a counselor a few years ago when he was "worse" and they didn't seem to think he needed diagnosis because he seemed to be happy and doing fine. And while not all of life offers answers I would just really like to know.

His intense interests when younger (he would do the typical thing of going on and on whether people wanted to hear or not) included Pokemon and One Piece (Manga).

Until just very recently when there were no guests over he would have long drawn out conversations with himself. Having a friend seems to have mitigated that some.

Edel - that is what has made my son seem to NOT be on the spectrum. Everything I've read is it gets worse as they get older. His is better every year DEFINITELY. If your assessment is correct though, he is definitely in this improving category. I have a cousin who is in that category too. He was MUCH more extreme than my son (EXTREMELY RIGID and hyperlexic/photographic memory). He had a job in sports reporting and does well but is still odd and rigid and lives with parents.

I have no illusions that my son has NO problems now, but he's really fairly confident and seems better off sometimes even than "popular" kids I know in some areas in terms of simply being happy.

He still chooses the same clothing over and over and tends to follow any patterns I set for him. He has a hard time adjusting when a wrench gets thrown into the plan.

Do certain types of similar problems get better with age? PDD-NOS or whatever?

All kinds of autism, on average, get better with age.

There's this stereotype out there that "autistic" means "never grows, learns, or develops". But, as you can see from watching your son, that's the furthest thing from the truth! Autistic people do grow up, and do learn things, and as time goes on they become better and better at coping with this crazy world and making up for their own weaknesses.

It doesn't generally "get worse as they get older". Most of us on here will tell you, "Man, as a kid I was seriously weird," and then go on to explain all the things they've learned and all the things they are going to learn in the future. Sometimes, of course, there are regressions, i.e., skills lost (regressive autism accounts for approx. 3 in each 100 cases); and a few people have had total burnouts that created a great deal of disability. And there's the problem that what looks "cute" in a child might be considered unacceptable in an adult. But in general, autistic people learn things as they get older; and it gets better, not worse.

You mightn't know that if all you watched were "awareness" ads and "pity the poor autistic child and his poor burdened family" type coverage. They don't tend to admit that autistics grow and learn because a.) they're an advocacy organization and want to gather as much money as possibly by using pity/fear rhetoric, or b.) they're a news/entertainment organization and want the most dramatic case they can possibly find. In general, in the media you'll find either autistic people who never learn or grow and just stay the same (or get worse) as they get older, or else you'll see autistic people who go through magical cures because a movie wants a feel-good ending or somebody's trying to sell quackery to the viewers. You don't get much of the real picture--that is, that autistic people, given a good environment and good teachers, will steadily gain useful skills and become more independent.

Callista - this is useful stuff.

I always feel at the fringes of this AS stuff because even my mom who is a teacher basically says "Um you're crazy. Your son is normal and fine." It took my husband cringeing and watching my son interact with a friend through the window when he was about 5 to really make him realize, "Hmmm, yeah, apparently I am worried about my son socially." I've talked with a few teachers I trusted over the years about this and some have been shocked. A few thought he was gifted. I love my son, but he's not gifted - he's pretty normal. He's freaky good at spelling (competed in the state spelling bee and was 6th) and good at writing and poetry.

I can't complain - my son is sometimes more confident than my socially adept daughter. I just have always felt in this shadow land with everyone calling me crazy and even acted like I was a weird/bad parent. I know it sounds selfish that I care about this, but it's a weird place to be. I have my own generalized anxiety/depression issues so that doesn't help anything.