Do you WANT to be (physically) attractive?

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You just described several of my exes, my last crush and probably my next crush as well.

Except the fashion sense, but I've definitely known people who were very fashion conscientious but also couldn't make the elements work well (always wore fashionable clothing, but wore it poorly I guess you could say).

I've never had anyone comment positively on my looks. Not even previous boyfriends. Not pretty. Not even not bad.

I wish I could have appreciated my looks when I was about 27 but I was very mentally ill then.

Now I'm 43, I'm starting to fall apart. I'm getting wrinkles and the results of being pale and freckled. I've had the precursor of cancer cut out of my hand. And there's more where that came from.

The years where I could have been attractive are over.

Depends if I'm subject or object.

Average looking people who look 32 have more power in society than pretty looking people who look about 15.

They don't get hassled and they get treated with respect. Not major respect just the generic 'I will speak to you like a grown up' respect.

So it's an upgrade for me.

I never understand when women say they're doing their makeup for themselves. It's not like they get to see it - not unless they stand in front of a mirror all day long staring at themselves. It's for other people.

This would be about being treated the way which it's normal for someone of my age to get treated. Not getting hassled by potential creeps, not getting hit on by young boys, not being dismissed as young or stupid. And being left alone.

If someone's ugly they get stared at too so I wouldn't like to be ugly. And people feel the right to be rude to ugly people. Same as they feel the right to be rude to people who look young.

Sounds like my SPED teacher.
She looks late 20s. She's actually more or less 40.


She told me a lot of complaints about her clients and other people not taking her seriously because she looked young.
And she's a professional for good 15+ years.

Oh, and sometimes getting looks or remarks.
By guys that may or may not be old enough to be her kids. And she's married.


And then she told me; be representable.
It doesn't necessarily mean eye catching or pretty.
Be simply look amicable. Be as appropriate as possible...

I'd argue there's a level of respect that comes when people know you're over 17. Even maybe over 15. 18 is the adult age here for almost everything.

It's like being given a window into how good looking youngsters who are assumed to be girls are treated.

It's not good.

The creepy guys (even older than my actual age) aren't good. The patronising comments aren't good. The assumptions of stupidity aren't good.

It's why I insist on treating anyone (esp aspies or geeky/quiet/bullied kids) who's about 14-17 with respect and assume they're intelligent but just haven't been to uni/sixth form/sat exams yet. For all I know, I could be speaking to the more reserved equivalent of Greta Thunberg. Kids that age aren't all stupid and deserve to be treated with respect.

Personally, as a blonde woman I find the stereotype of the dumb blonde rather annoying. I know that as my hair became a dirty blonde rather than a light blonde attitudes started to shift. As a kid, I used to be the subject of dumb blonde jokes. I got used to it but I did find them minorly irritating. Nowadays I get more ginger jokes because my hair has shifted to a dark strawberry blonde colour.

Usually I don't have any issues, but sometimes when working with clients I do have people assume that I don't know what I'm doing. Typically it is not ill-intentioned, but I would prefer not to be asked if I really know how to use a computer and all that techno-jargon when I work with technology. I would sure hope so, what do you think I've been doing in my university course?

Or being asked if I'm only interested in the subject because it's more male-dominated and if I just want to impress guys, which makes me laugh considering I'm a lesbian. Growing up I used to think that you could only be smart or attractive. I was so preoccupied with not drawing attention to myself that I drew attention to myself in the process.

Further, my experiences with a stalker left me shaken. I became overly-cautious with how I appeared, almost blaming myself for what happened. Lately I've been experimenting with styles to find one that I feel more comfortable in. Even minor changes have been making a difference, such as altering my hair parting and tucking my shirts in. I feel more myself these days. More confident. I've found that by not tilting my head down, instead keeping my head level, I appear closer to my age.

When I come across as confident, at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging, I appear conventionally attractive. People have told me that I'm apparently a 7. I get catcalled sometimes, which is something I'll never understand. Why do people feel the need to do this? It's just uncomfortable.

Anyway, I think the main factors counting against me are my struggles with weight (getting caught up with work or oversleeping and as a result skipping out on calories I need, toeing the line of healthy and underweight) and not getting enough exercise. I think if I worked on my health more, I would feel better and probably appear more attractive.

There are some strange female beauty standards out there. I know I've been told to avoid heels because I'm already tall and apparently if I appeared any taller I might intimidate people. However, I avoid heels purely because I lack the balance and I hate how restrictive they feel.

as a man, i would say i am fairly open with regards to a woman's looks.
Although i have to admit i am mostly attracted to slim if not skinny woman.
I don't mind if woman do not have big breasts.

My first serious girl friend was flat chested, who i was madly in love with (and partly still am)
when i was 17. A dream that sadly will never be realised again. Just a dream that turned on me.

I also prefer woman to be shorter than me, i just think that man/woman fit better together that way.
As for looks, sure, i love beautiful woman, i see most woman as beautiful or at the very least very pretty.
I especially like natural beauties. Woman that look beautiful without make up. Some woman are really good at rocking that look.

Although as i grow older, i would say that a persons personality is as important as their looks.
I would also say that common interests are also really important too!

For example, i myself am really into recording / making / producing music.
So someone with an intense passion for music would be ideal for me, a creative.
And perhaps art. I have a bit of an arty streak in me too.

As for my own appearance, i have to say i am not particularly confident about my looks.
I am 47, and i guess i look like a thug. Not intentionally, but because i have a broken nose (from doing martial arts for many years of my life). I also now shave my head super short, as i am of the age that i will inevitably go bald in some places, so best to keep my hair short rather than have a comb over hair cut.

When i was younger, i used to be more attractive, and was more successful with woman.
I had long hair to my shoulders and wore kind of hippy clothes.

Now i look more of a thug, or building site person, even though my personality is completely different to a thug / builder (I am actually very bohemian and in some ways intellectual / spiritual / creative rather than thug-ish, apart from the martial art background).

I know i am not the ugliest man in the world, i am just not that attractive any more either, and with ASD as well
I kind of don't really get that noticed by woman any more, and even if i do, i am pretty useless at instigating any relationships anyway. which results in me either going without a partner (which for the most part is ok) or end up getting involved with pushy woman who bully me or abuse me in some way or another (such as trying to set me up to make me look like an abusive partner due to suffering from autism spectrum disorder) doh!

so yep, i think my life would be a great deal better if i was better looking, thinner, and richer.
But perhaps next life...

Pretty is still pretty, despite the problem of looking young.
I am sure you will grow into your age one day.
Wear high heels when you play tennis?
I think you said you are under 5 foot?

But you still get a lot of attention from age-appropriate people too, right?

Well, I don't get the respect I think I deserve, either, all too often, but it is the other person's problem, not mine.
I get pissed off, but it is rare these days.
Idiots are idiots.
As I said, it isn't *my* problem that they are idiots.

Does not being taken seriously adversely affect a person's job?
I suspect, mostly not, as long as one does what is needed.

I do hear this complaint mostly from attractive younger-looking women, though.
If it was me, I'd still rather be gorgeous than unattractive.

So, you think you would be given more respect if you were unattractive and still looked very young?

I have learnt that self-confidence and self-exteeme/respect are good defences against letting other people bring me down, emotionally.
I consider myself virtually emotionally bullet-proof these days.
Just because someone says something doesn't mean I have to be affected by what is said.

You got a type...?



All I can say she values her work.
The rest are assumptions in my part.



I may not have the same long experience, but I share the same sentiment.

If anyone, for any reason, doesn't take my words seriously...
Well, it's their choice. Whether they end up what they thought they want or end up digging their grave.

Just because I lack the appropriate looks, or didn't do well performing illusions through subtle signs and articulation.


Still, I'd rather enjoy my vague aged appearance even if it meant looking attractive.
Can look 15, 25, 35... If I figured how.
I prefer to walk the walk, but damn executive dysfunction brain fog not letting me be a full functioning adult.

Apparently. It seems I enjoy making the same mistakes over and over again.

You could have become a Goth, when you were younger, and dyed your hair black.
I knew a blonde goth that did that.


I keep my head tilted down, when walking the dogs, so I can avoid stepping on ants.



Self-confidence is attractive, yes.

No one has even "catcalled" me.
I don't know why.

I guess some guys catcall because they want to influence the person emotionally.
Some might erroneously think it is flattering.
Others may be "egged on" by their mates. <shrug>
I have never done it.

BTW, Do you mean "catcall" or "wolf-whistle"?

I do regret putting so much weight into the words of bullies and it did stunt me somewhat. Admittedly I considered it, but I was always hesitant to try anything new because I knew that if I did I'd be called numerous words suggesting that I look promiscuous. As a teenage girl, this was always framed as something terrible. Plus, as a kid I knew a woman who lost her hair, I thought that it was because she dyed her hair so much, but it was likely due to a terminal illness that I was oblivious to when I was a child. Then there was the internal conflict of if dying my hair meant I was caving to them, but I was caving to them anyway. I grew to like my blonde hair though. My 20's has become my time to try out new looks since I always felt too restrained to do that as a teenager. Consider it a slightly belated adolescence.



I have fairly good peripheral vision. However, I do not care much for ants. I prefer not to step on snails or dead birds or eggs though. Cuckoo birds steal the nests of other birds and throw out the eggs of the previous bird who owned that nest. They do this by hiding a cuckoo egg in an unsuspecting nest, which later hatches and that cuckoo takes over the nest and throws out the other eggs. So sometimes I come across small bird eggs on the ground, near nests, that have clearly been thrown out. Ugh, cuckoos. As for the dead birds, sometimes young not fully developed birds fall out of the nest and die or get pushed out to fly but fail miserably. Birds are cruel mothers but I suppose they have to learn somehow.

https://io9.gizmodo.com/nest-stealing-c ... koo%20eggs.



Personally I find it more scary than flattering. Especially if they are the type to follow you around. You don't know how they're going to handle possible rejection, so it's usually best to ignore, avoid eye contact, and possibly change your route. Travelling with a group (if you're out at night) is safer. I think my experiences probably fall under catcalling rather than wolf-whistling. No one has ever whistled at me on the street, which I'm glad of because I dislike whistling. Especially high-pitched types of whistling since it hurts my ears. Most of what I go through is harmless, but it can stray into concerning territory. Usually when people whistle to me it's people I know and they do it intentionally because they find it amusing seeing me wince ever so slightly. The Clangers (a children's TV show where the aliens seem to communicate through whistling) is absolutely horrible to my ears. I couldn't sit through two minutes of it without clutching my ears on the floor and yelling at people to turn it off. Apparently it was well liked though so I guess it's probably a pleasant show if you're not like me.

Last edited by Lost_dragon on 13 Oct 2020, 6:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

No.
I mean if I looked my age and was average looking I'd get left alone.
I don't want any attention. Or at least what an NT would think no attention was, just getting treated like a normal adult as I go about my business.
(For an aspie someone might think 'no attention = becoming invisible' lol)

I think that having ASD / anxiety and being with a partner that is very attractive and flirtatious can be a living nightmare.

As people who constantly flirt with everyone will make you get insecure and worry about infidelity.

Other people (many who have less strong morals) will also be doing all they can to undermine your relationship and steal away your partner, and care little as to whether you have a disability (ASD) or not.

Some less moral partners will also love this fact, and jump into bed with any better offers that come there way.

So choose your partner super carefully. In some ways, it pays to get a humble, kind, open and considerate partner who is hates cheating. But finding one of those is really hard i think, if not impossible for some.

That is one of the pitfalls for us ASD people in dating. NT's are not always completely honest or altruistic.