Page 1 of 3 [ 33 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Mahini
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 83
Location: Lost in a sea of lonley faces... (Australia)

06 Sep 2010, 9:41 am

My daughter was recently diagnosed AS and from this we have also discovered her father has AS and to top it all off our 2 sons have alot of the traits as well, we are waiting for testing on them, the kids are all at school ages are 10, 8 and 6, im exhausted every morning just trying to get them all ready for school, im at a loss as to what to do, my daughter just will not get ready at all, the boys are not to bad except for 8 year old and his sock problem, he will take his socks of many times and put them back on due to not liking the feel of the seam on them, i got a good tip tonight to put them on him inside out and will be doing that to see how we go, Its the fighting thats driving me insane, its constant, my daughter hits out at her brothers for the smallest things, maybe for touching the dog or sitting in front of the heater when she wants to be there, i have tried all types of things for punishment, taking things off her, time out in room nothing seems to work, any sugestions will be greatly appreciated. I have tried so hard to get them all into a routine and to stop the fighting but the more i try the more exhausted im getting, when i pick them up from school the fighting starts again...



Mutt
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 2 May 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

06 Sep 2010, 3:18 pm

Give them a schedule, and a time to play with each other, along with a set of rules. Give them a schedule for who is supposed to touch the dog, or be with the dog, and for who should sit in front of the heater, and when. For play time, give them rules, such as if you want this, ask nicely, or if you fight, play time gets removed. That worked for me and my brother.



OddFiction
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,090
Location: Ontario, Canada

06 Sep 2010, 9:16 pm

Takes a lot of extra work to deal with our particular quirks, I suppose. Certainly takes a lot of extra time - even dealing with myself takes more time than i think it ought to sometimes!
:nerdy:
The best advice I can give at the moment is this:
Never assume you understand why they do something. Your kids will have a completely unique perspective on every issue that they take to a 'conflict level'.

Ask your daughter why she thinks she is entitled to the heater spot.

Ask her why she thinks she can control the others' interaction with the dog.
- If she says "its my dog" don't contradict her, but ask her to explain why she thinks that. Go from there.
- If she says "because they don't do it right" ask her "don't you think the dog would show them it was wrong if it was?".

If inside out doesn't work, take the sock son to the store some day and try every brand until he finds one he likes.

* Note: Once an Aspie has a belief established, it is tough for them to accept it is incorrect. A direct 'you're wrong' will often precipitate conflict, and a longer delay than the 'ask questions & make them think' approach.



OddFiction
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,090
Location: Ontario, Canada

06 Sep 2010, 9:19 pm

As for hitting - if they are actually hitting each other, this is behaviour that cannot continue if they are to live in the human world. Whatever you do, don't take the path of letting them get away with it just 'because they're ASD' ... you'll be doing them a disservice.



bjtao
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 449

06 Sep 2010, 10:24 pm

I have not found any type of sock at all that my son can wear. They don't feel right and sometimes they hurt. Inside out, thick, thin, nylon, cotton, seamless, diabetic, etc...he cannot wear any. So now he does not wear socks and his feet and shoes smell like garbage all the time.

You have to get all the kids into the therapy they require in order to help them feel more at ease, relive anxiety, stress and sensory issues. You also need to learn how to effectively parent them based on their needs. Traditional parenting does not work with exceptional kids. Traditional discipline doesn't work on these kids either. You are beyond your knowledge and need to find outside advice and assistance from professionals.

I am in the same situation, BTW. Just figuring all this out. It is very difficult and stressful.



Mahini
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 83
Location: Lost in a sea of lonley faces... (Australia)

07 Sep 2010, 3:29 am

Thank you everyone! this is helping me very much ...odd fiction i had never thought of just asking her why she does these things have only ever asked her if it makes her feel good to upset her brothers, i realy have had no idea, i have so much to learn ...bjtao i definatly need to do something i just have no idea how to handle all this, once the boys have been tested (i already know what the outcome will be) ill be getting any help that i can that is out there for us. My 8 year old has a fixation with dates and use by dates he will take things out and check them and let me know how long they have left. They have so many things going on and i never stood back and took the time to ask myself why? but looking at it now, just surviving and getting through each day took all my energy... thanks again everyone i am so looking forward to learning all i can so i can help myself to help my beautiful kids...



momsparky
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,831

07 Sep 2010, 3:40 am

OddFiction wrote:
If inside out doesn't work, take the sock son to the store some day and try every brand until he finds one he likes.


This is what eventually worked for us: sometimes you can't try on packaged socks, so many packages of new socks got handed down to friends. Fortunately, they're cheap, and as soon as I found a brand that worked, I bought a lot of them.

Your exhaustion is not nothing; it deserves attention, too. If there is any way you can get someone to watch the kids so you can get a break, schedule it regularly. Another alternative - we have an early bedtime for my son which is not just for him, though he benefits from it.



OddFiction
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,090
Location: Ontario, Canada

07 Sep 2010, 9:12 am

Hmm. Idea triggered by Momsparky's post:

Have a scheduled 'alone' time in the middle of each afternoon.
Say between five and six (dinnertime?) everyone gets alone time scheduled in their rooms.

Teach the kids that it's to train them to relax from the world each day, and that many people do this in order to regain 'a sense of self" and to 'pursue personal goals and advancement" like reading, or pretending, or playing with stuffed toys, or lining up their figurines, or cleaning up.. or whatever.

Tell them it's to teach them how to schedule their own time effectively - something that they will need to learn for adult life.

At six, they come down for dinner, and then after dinner they go back up and clean any mess their pursuits left in their rooms.

this teaches them
- a time of peace is normal and good. being alone at times is normal and good.
- to create or pursue self-building inerests.
- to structure their time
- to create ways of play that don't mess (they will want to learn to not have to go back up after dinner)
- Provides a routine "away from activity" time which might eventually translate to "homework time"
*Most importantly, it will give YOU scheduled free time. Because you gave them a logical reason why they need/could use free time / Self time ("I'm doing this for you, kids... it's not a punishment, it's a self-building activity").

** Note: give them time to get used to the idea / present reasons and structure / a good deal of time before the actual implementation.



Kailuamom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 660

07 Sep 2010, 9:55 am

OddFiction wrote:
Hmm. Idea triggered by Momsparky's post:

Have a scheduled 'alone' time in the middle of each afternoon.
Say between five and six (dinnertime?) everyone gets alone time scheduled in their rooms.

Teach the kids that it's to train them to relax from the world each day, and that many people do this in order to regain 'a sense of self" and to 'pursue personal goals and advancement" like reading, or pretending, or playing with stuffed toys, or lining up their figurines, or cleaning up.. or whatever.

Tell them it's to teach them how to schedule their own time effectively - something that they will need to learn for adult life.

At six, they come down for dinner, and then after dinner they go back up and clean any mess their pursuits left in their rooms.

this teaches them
- a time of peace is normal and good. being alone at times is normal and good.
- to create or pursue self-building inerests.
- to structure their time
- to create ways of play that don't mess (they will want to learn to not have to go back up after dinner)
- Provides a routine "away from activity" time which might eventually translate to "homework time"
*Most importantly, it will give YOU scheduled free time. Because you gave them a logical reason why they need/could use free time / Self time ("I'm doing this for you, kids... it's not a punishment, it's a self-building activity").

** Note: give them time to get used to the idea / present reasons and structure / a good deal of time before the actual implementation.


I love the idea BUT as a mom that gets zero time alone, I have to ask...when and how does dinner get prepared, if they come out of their room for dinner? At least at my house, I come home from work, prepare dinner, eat dinner, clean up dinner (sometimes :wink: ) get the younger one ready for bed, lay down with him until he falls asleep (often I do too). There you go - all "free" time accounted for.



OddFiction
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,090
Location: Ontario, Canada

07 Sep 2010, 10:11 am

well.. 'free' as in you arent struggling with fights or worrying what they are doing to each other while you do something likee cook dinner. Sry, theory of mind - I never considered that other people don't find making dinner 'relaxing'. :lol:

Maybe have some days (since you'll have more dinner making privacy) make big batches and stick some into the freezer. Leftovers or pre-prepped dinners thawing in the oven could give you a few days a week where you can sit back and read (or whatever activity you enjoy) while dinner re-prepares itself.



Tracker
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,026
Location: Behind your mineral line

07 Sep 2010, 1:12 pm

I agree with Bjtao. You are trying to treat your children like they are normal children and punish the problems out of them. That doesn't work, and it only causes more problems for everybody involved.

Since you are new to the diagnosis, and confused about all this stuff then I would recommend doing some research into the field and learning more about how your children think, and why they act the way that they do. And then using that knowledge, you will be better able to work with them and fix the problems that you are having.

To that end, I would recommend starting with the recently published book available for download at http://www.ASDStuff.com
Its a free book, and it is a good source of information for people who are new to the diagnosis, and trying to understand how their child operates, and how to deal with the problems they are having. I could answer your question about how to deal with your daughter in this post, but it would wind up being 20 pages long, and it is already very nicely written up in that book.

Beyond that, you may also want to check out some books from your local library, although I would advise caution there. Often times the books available at the local library are written by people with fancy degrees and no common sense. But I would recommend the works of Tony Attwood. He has a good selection of materials to chose from.

I would also recommend browsing this forum and reading some of the other posts to see what information you can glean. And of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.


_________________
More information available at:
http://www.ASDstuff.com


buryuntime
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Dec 2008
Age: 81
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,662

07 Sep 2010, 5:42 pm

Going to also suggest you read some books, Tracker's and Tony Attwood's. You're not going to get anywhere expecting anything to come from punishing your kids for problems that are autistic in origin.



Countess
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jun 2010
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 288
Location: Emmet Otter's shack

07 Sep 2010, 6:17 pm

There are seamless socks out there, have you every tried those? It looks like K-mart sells some (online at least)...



angelbear
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Sep 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,219

07 Sep 2010, 9:36 pm

The only thing I can add is that your AS daughter may have difficulty getting organized and getting dressed by herself. You may need to help her out, which could reduce some of her anxiety.



Mahini
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 83
Location: Lost in a sea of lonley faces... (Australia)

07 Sep 2010, 10:39 pm

buryuntime wrote:
Going to also suggest you read some books, Tracker's and Tony Attwood's. You're not going to get anywhere expecting anything to come from punishing your kids for problems that are autistic in origin.


I know this now and have had horrible feelings of guilt, if i had have known my kids had AS from the beginning then things would have been totaly different, punnishments i was using were to send them to their rooms or to ban them from the computer or to take something they liked from them for a day or so. Im devistated over this, i keep having flashbacks about making my youngest sit there and eat certain foods cause i was so tired of cooking so many different meals every day. Since i joined here i have read so much and i notice alot of parents are ok with letting their child have a healthy bowl of cerial for dinner. This gave me a sense of total relief and ill not worry to much anymore about what types of "healthy" food they are having. I'll be definatly looking into the books that everyone has mentioned, i have so much to learn and am very hungry to get as much information as i can. ..... thank you!